Early menopause and sex

Why do they call it ‘menopause’ babe?“, my (now very much former partner) asked me one day.

I don’t know“, I replied.

Because ‘mad cow disease’ was already taken!“, he guffawed.

 Bastard!

But to be fair, he had a point. The effects of menopause, are many and varied! And they impact both you and your partner.

Trust me, I know. I went through menopause very early – at the age of 37.

Fortunately, I noticed the signs and I didn’t have to suffer the full intensity of all the effects for too long.

Nevertheless, I did experience many of them. And, when I think back, I have some sympathy for my then partner’s analogy of menopause with Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (aka mad cow disease).

 

My friends and family will attest I have been known to lose my temper a few (ok, many) times. But throwing the front counter of my local phone shop at a sales person was a first in terms of temper tantrums, even for me! As was my decision to pull a metal-frame bed through a wall rather than take apart and re-assemble it in the next room!!

And let’s not go near the emotional roller-coaster I was on, including the uncontrollable episodes of crying over Disney movies.

Sorry darling!

In fact, fortunately, I didn’t have a full-time partner when I went through menopause. So some poor sod was saved from the horrors associated with my hormone changes – yes, it was like a scene from the Omen movie.

The many “joys” of menopause

As I said, I went through premature menopause – technically, that’s when the final menstrual period occurs before a woman is aged 40.

This is associated with a number of factors, including physical (such as surgery) or emotional trauma, and smoking. And family history increases your chances of experiencing it my about 12%.

Of course, whatever age you go through menopause (the average is around 50), you will probably experience the same symptoms as I did – temper tantrums and crying. But there are a host of others you might get to “enjoy” also – irregular or absent periods, irritability, anxiety, bloating , breast soreness and, the all time fave, “hot flushes”.

I guess my circumstances were a little more complicated than most. I had been sterilised at 33 because I knew I did not want any more children. I had also undergone surgery for a number of health conditions around that time. And my immune system had crashed. All this resulted in my weight dropping to 47kg, and my periods stopped.

I am fully recovered. However, my periods never returned. The doctors had warned me after being so unwell that it could take up to a year before they did. Well, they didn’t – not that I’m complaining!

A year later, I was back fit as a fiddle and able to exercise and live my life to the full in every way, including sex thank heavens.

I knew something was wrong when I put on 7kg in a month.

And then I really knew something was wrong when my sex drive evaporated – and I mean literally – completely – zilch! I had also gone dry down below, which made it painful to even masturbate – a first for me.

So, not only was I acting completely bonkers, but my sex drive had disappeared. So I knew something was very wrong and I took action. I saw my doctor as soon as possible. She did some tests that revealed I had an under-active thyroid, and that I was in menopause. A scan also detected a benign growth in my uterus. I had the growth removed within 3 days and a coil fitted to keep the lining thin – I understand this reduces the risk of further growths developing.

But back to menopause and sex. Trust me when I say when Estrogen levels are reduced, it affects you sexually.

Sex drive and Hormone Replacement Therapy

As I mentioned, my libido practically disappeared. I know my sex drive very well indeed. I know it is higher than most, which is great. But when your libido goes from high to non-existent, you need to see your doctor as there is something going on. And I did.

The good news is that you don’t need to suffer. My doctor took fortnightly blood tests and put me on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).

Unlike the UK, HRT is commonly accepted practice in Australia. Fortunately, HRT has recently been re-introduced in the UK. I wear Estrogen patches, and I take Progestogen pills. And I can assure you, it’s fantastic! I have re-discovered the sex drive I had in my early 20s!!

A few words of warning. First, HRT is not a contraceptive. And, second, you need to be patient – it will take some time, and trial and error, to get the doses right for you. But trust me when I say it is the fountain of youth.

Relationships

Thank god I was not in a relationship when I went through menopause.

Women who experience menopause may experience issues that affect their relationship. One is the fact it seems to make communication difficult. And let’s face it, it’s hard to explain this stuff to men at the best of times!

Frankly, you need to prepare your partner for the reality that you are most likely going to put them through hell from the other side of the room. And you need to prepare yourself for the fact that they will just look at your strangely as if they don’t understand what the f*** is going on. And you know what, for the most part, they won’t – and that’s where they need your help – to help them help you.

Try to maintain a dialogue. Discuss what you are going through. Re-assure them it is not about them – if you can – since when do men think anything is about anything but them!

Seriously, partner attitudes to menopause are important to support you, and to sustain your relationship through this difficult phase of your lives. Having an informed, supportive partner can help enormously.

Suggest to your partner they should do their own research so they don’t take anything personally.

When you cry – trust me, you will – a lot – tell them you just need a hug, not the psychiatrist they have suggested!

It is very important to be able to discuss what you are experiencing openly and without argument or abuse. Having said that, you need to understand, and make clear to your partner, there will be times when things become heated and emotional. Again, re-assure each other it is not about the other person.

If you suffer emotionally – and trust me you will – talk to your doctor. Life’s for living. You do not need to suffer unnecessarily.

HRT certainly helped me in this and other ways.

If you don’t want to go on HRT, there are alternatives. A psychologist who specialises in couples counselling can be useful. You may only need one or two sessions. They should be able to help support you both in your communication, and in understanding the issues you are both going through and how to manage them as best you can.

If you are experiencing sexual problems within your relationship – and, again, you almost certainly will during this phase – it may be helpful to consider the extent to which they are due to the physical symptoms of menopause on the one hand, and other issues. You will probably find they are a combination of both. On these occasions, try to maintain a positive and constructive attitude – after all, obstacles are just opportunities in disguise! And don’t hesitate to seek the help you might need – whether it is medical, psychological, counselling etc… Knowledge is power in all things.

Early menopause is no reason to abstain from sex. In fact, if you work at it constructively, you can get it sorted relatively quickly. In particular, choose a doctor you trust and with the right experience with these issues – someone you can talk to well. They will help you re-balance your hormones and get your sex life back on track. And you’ll be at it like rabbits in no time. Good luck ….. to you AND to your partner.

Oh, and remember – they’re not “hot flushes” – they’re POWER SURGES”!

 

Aphrodisiacs

Sometimes, even within the best relationships, one or other, or both, of you needs some help with raising sexual desire.

I’m not talking here about issues such as erectile dysfunction and so on, for which there are a number of drugs, including sildenafil. Viagra is the most well-known brand but there are other, new generation versions worthwhile considering and discussing with our doctor.

Today, I want to talk about forms of food and drink that are believed – rightly or wrongly – to assist in enhancing the libido.

The number of so-called aphrodisiacs is virtually endless – oysters, asparagus, bananas, ginseng, ginger, red wine, and so the list goes on.

Incidentally, it is often said the best aphrodisiac is power. And I agree. But it’s the power of knowledge that I have in mind – the knowledge to know what is best to keep the libido in tip-top shape. I admit that I have been, and can assure you I shall never again let myself become, involved in a relationship where there is a power imbalance. Power in that sense is certainly not an aphrodisiac for me. So, stay strong and equal, and enjoy the ride!

Meanwhile, back to aphrodisiacs you can eat or drink – what to take and how to take it to boost your sexual desire.

In my experience, yes, some foods and drinks can trigger highs and lows. And, yes, some raise the libido levels, enhancing the sex hormones testosterone and progesterone … in rats I might add … but I’m sure it’s the same for humans. Here are a few of my faves.

Chocolate

The good news is that most of us can’t resist chocolate. So, what a bonus that it also contains a neurotransmitter that stimulates the pleasure zone in our brains, phenylethylamine (PHE).

The bad news is that an average person would have to consume 11kg of the stuff to significantly stimulate their libido.

So, perhaps the best way to use chocolate in the context of sex is to surprise your partner with this treat. After all, whether or not chocolate is an aphrodisiac, it’s the thought that counts. A sweet surprise gift is almost certain to make your partner feel special and lead to more bedroom action. And what better way to burn off the calories!

Ginseng

Experiments with rats indicate ginseng improves the libido in both males and females. And some small studies have shown it may be helpful for erectile dysfunction.

So, whoever is in charge of the kitchen should start spicing up the cooking to boost performance in the bedroom – remember we both benefit.

Oysters

Commonly claimed as the ultimate natural libido booster, oysters contain zinc which helps raise testosterone levels. But you’d need to eat around 50 to have an impact on your sexual desire – making it a very expensive option.

So why not try natural supplements as an alternative. They are available from good health stores, and are a more cost-effective way of keeping up your zinc levels.

Having said that, oysters are delicious and a perfect accompaniment to champagne. So, why not give both the expensive and cheaper options a try?

Truffles

Truffles have an aroma similar to aldosterone – a male pheromone that boosts female arousal levels. We ladies are simple creatures. Treat us to truffles and our libidos will be sky-high –
especially if they are served with the perfect match of an excellent French sauterne. This is almost a guarantee of sex. See, we’re not that hard to please.

Ginger

I highly recommend this one. The aroma stimulates the arousal centre in the brain. Ginger is also available in the form of bath salts. I have tried this and it makes the blood rush to the labial and clitoral areas, making you so horny that you will want to rush to the bedroom! It also works for men by stimulating blood flow in the testicular area.

Just imagine – lights turned down low, a warm ginger infused bath, candles glowing, red wine, and chocolate – you’re on to a winner here.

Chilli

This amazing spice is like a chameleon. It mimics the effects of sexual arousal by increasing the heart rate, raising your body temperature and making you sweat.

Perhaps most importantly, it’s a very healthy ingredient and will give you more energy for the bedroom.

Cinnamon

Like chilli, cinnamon raises the body temperature and, in turn, raises your sexual desire.

It’s also an amazing anti-inflammitory – fortunately not to the areas that matter most!

Try sprinkling it over your morning porridge or stir it into your coffee, and start your day with a bang!

Asparagus

You have to give credit to this healthy little vegetable. Let’s face it, it already looks like a penis. So it is no surprise that it helps increase circulation in the genital area leading to an increase in sexual desire.

Red Wine

And finally, back to my former all time favourite – I’ve given up the booze, of course.

I most certainly agree that red wine helps in the sex stakes. Mind you, in my partying days, almost any alcohol would likely have led to sex. And, frankly, the more I imbibed, the more sex I wanted to have!

Red wine increases blood flow, relaxes you and lowers inhibitions. Obviously, you don’t want to overdo it and get smashed – after all you want to perform at your best and remember how good the sex was! But with a little moderation, it’s almost a sure-fire thing.

Having said that, a word of warning – the combination of alcohol and sex led to a number of awkward situations that I regret. Some even had the potential to result in dangerous outcomes. And, of course, alcohol is a depressant and can lead to lows as well as highs. So, at the risk of making this a “sermon on the mount” (haha), it’s important to adopt a safe approach to both alcohol and sex – in particular, only drink with someone you trust and, if you meet and move on with a stranger, make sure you let your friend know where you are going; and don’t drive etc…. Oh and, of course, always prepare for and practice safe sex.

And why go once when you can go twice?

If you find any of these work for you as an aphrodisiac and you put in a great performance, ask your partner to make you a coffee and add a pinch of cinnamon – you never know, you might get round two sooner than you think!

Fantasy v reality of sex education

Porn – fantasy v reality, and how to manage the two

In my earlier article on porno lingo, I made clear how important it is for people to realise that the sex they might see in adult films is not reality. I thought it might be helpful to explore this issue a little further.

I thought it might also be worthwhile exploring how porn ought to be better managed.

Fantasy v reality

As I’ve said, it’s important to realise the sex you see in adult films is not reality.

I’m not saying the sex isn’t real – it is – well, most of the time.

But the sex you see on film is very far removed from a genuine sexual relationship.

Everyone who watches porn – whether kids or adults – needs to understand what they are seeing is a fantasy world. In most respects it is not unlike anything that Walt Disney put out – does anyone out there really believe small elephants can fly?

I can assure you I did not appear in any adult movies where I was in love with the other performer. To me, they were nothing more than an object for me to use that day to make some money. It was invariably robotic – very mechanical. There was never any emotional connection.

And that is the key difference between sex in the virtual world of porn on the one hand, and sex in a real relationship on the other – whether it’s a long-term, committed and caring relationship or a passing casual affair – there is a connection – there is passion – and there is mutual respect (or at least, there should be).

Some might say they saw passion in some of my work. Fine. I’m glad I convinced you I was enjoying myself (in fact, for the most part, I was). But any hint of connection with or passion for my fellow performer that you might have gleaned from any of my movies was one thing, and one thing only – an act! I was an actor!! Don’t forget that.
It may be helpful to think of sex in the fantasy world of porn as just sex; and sexual activity in a relationship, even a casual one, as making love. Maybe that’s just semantics. But it might help you discern the difference between the fantasy of porn and reality.

The fact is there is nothing real, or loving about porn. And everyone who watches it needs to understand it is all fantasy. It is entirely different from real life.

It’s okay to enjoy diversity and experiment – but don’t take porn as your cue

Yes, sex may be about diversity and experimentation. If you and your partner are of legal age, and it is what you both want, then that’s reality – enjoy it. Hey, as I’ve said often, sex is as much, if not more, about recreation (ie. having a good time) as it is about procreation (ie. making babies).

In my view, the key is to have an open and honest relationship with  your partner so they feel they can come to you at any stage to discuss any issues, including sex. And that goes for the relationship with your kids also – believe or not, your kids are sexual beings too, with urges and desires (or at least they will be in time).

Body image – another aspect of the fantasy that is porn

Trust me, many people have concerns about their private parts. And, if you’ll pardon the pun, cock size (or the absence of it) is right up there with the most common of them.

Porn does nothing to attenuate these sorts of concerns. You need to accept that very few people have a penis the size of an adult film performer. And nor do they have the body of a porn star.

Children and young adults today have a tendency to compare themselves with others. And that includes comparing themselves with adult performers if they access porn. Believe me, this can lead to real insecurities as they tend to conclude they are somehow abnormal. Trust me, it’s far from normal to have a 10-14 inch penis; nor is it normal to have perfect, pert 30D cup boobs with a size 4 waist.

Performers in the adult film world spend serious money and many hours making themselves look their best, and that’s even before we have the on-set make-up artists do their stuff and turn us into Hollywood standard actors for the camera.

Is your sexuality and sex level normal? 

Again, there are real dangers in comparing your own sexuality and libido with those of professional adult film actors.

Just as you can’t control your sexual orientation, you can’t change your sex drive. If you have high sex drive, you have high sex drive – period. If you’re gay, you’re gay – period. It’s all in your DNA. And whatever it is, it’s totally normal.

So, by all means work on your sexual performance. Sexercise can help – take a look at my articles on this. But don’t get hung up thinking you have to do things you don’t feel comfortable doing. In particular, don’t measure yourself against what you see in adult films.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe strongly that sex is an essential part of life, especially of any loving and long-term relationship as an adult. I also believe that we need to make time to optimise our sex lives and enhance our happiness.

What I am saying is that there simply is no “normal” – whether you think orientation, enthusiasm, size, or willingness to experiment – there is no normal. There is just you and your partner and what you are both comfortable with. I always advocate – just make time for it and let it happen.

And if you’re happy with your sex life, then don’t change it. Sex does not have to be kinky, it just has to be enjoyable and satisfying.

And being able to perform like a porn star is far from normal. Trust me. I have seen and heard of horrendous injuries incurred on the set of adult movies. One in particular, someone I knew, was left with life-changing injuries through participation in anal sex far too often. They were torn inside very badly and required surgery. So don’t – repeat don’t – think that the sex you see on adult movies is normal; and don’t pressure anyone to perform like a “mattress actress”.

Who should watch porn and when?

It’s not a matter of whether people have seen or will ever see porn. It’s more a question of when they should do so.

It has been suggested that more than 90% of boys and 60% of girls will have visited a porn site on-line by the age of 16.

I’m not surprised by these statistics. In fact, I suspect the figures are most likely wrong and the age for both boys and girls is closer to 12. Hey, by age 16, most in the modern world have lost their virginity or had at least one sexual encounter.

And that is a worry in some respects. Because, for the reasons outlined above, porn is not the best source material on which kids should base their sexual understanding and development – if for no other reason than it can cause them to confuse fantasy and reality in terms of sexuality and sexual performance.

So, in that case, how can porn be better managed?

Proof of age

In order to perform in adult movies, we had to provide 2 forms of identification – at least one with a picture – to prove we were over the age of 18. We even had to hold them up to our face and smile sweetly for the camera.

Yet kids well below 18 years of age – some, I suspect, as young as 12, or even 9 – are accessing really hard core porn on-line.

I believe website owners and operators must start taking more responsibility in this area. They should start by making it mandatory that x-rated material can only be accessed after the user provides proof of identification with at least one picture to prove they are over 18 years of age – just as the performers are required to. No proof, no access. 

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you will know that whilst trying to limit internet use by applying filters or blockers is a first step to minimising exposure to porn, the fact is that it is not really all that effective. Your kids can almost certainly out-tech you. And if they can’t, their friends can.

I know boys aged 9 who have typed the word “boob” into the google search bar and come up with adult material, simply clicked on “I agree”, and had access to very explicit porn sites.

How the money works

Now, I have always made clear that I went into adult movies for the money.  And I am not stupid enough to think that I was the one making the most money. I understood clearly from day one that once we made the movie and signed the release, that was it – no royalties; no percentage of sales; it was just a one-off payment for my contribution to the vision, and that was it

And I had no gripe with that at all. Well, no huge gripe!

But I do believe strongly that it should be made clear at the outset on porn sites precisely what the requirements are to view the films (eg. over 18 years); and how much it is going to cost – whether it is text, mobile or whatever access per minute.

I have heard of children aged 12 clocking up mobile phone bills over one thousand pounds in one week!

It needs to be clear and in bold print before anything is downloaded what the cost will be. And I don’t  mean in the small print. I mean like the shopping cart check-out you get on most on-line shopping sites. Even when watching it via streaming.

And don’t get me started on the banks!  The sites accept Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, Amex and most other kinds of card for payment. And these financial institutions make significant profits for providing this payment platform.

Excuse me for thinking these banks – so-called pillars of society – have a social contract not to allow their platforms to be used to exploit kids in accessing porn. Yet, where are their controls?

So, I think the site owners and banks need to be more responsible when it comes to allowing or facilitating access to porn sites.  

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Male grooming, do women prefer it?

My partner at the time told me he felt a little apprehensive the moment I said “It doesn’t hurt all that much”.

He added that he was “happy to have it done” if I wanted him to.

He said he felt a little nervous when he strode bravely into the guys grooming salon and was offered a full “BS&C” (“back, sack & crack”, as it’s known in the industry).

He added he was a little relieved when he was led by the female groomer to the back room and discovered a full-on bachelor pad complete with signed sports paraphernalia, bar and a wide screen tv, and was offered a beer whilst he waited his turn. “How cool is this” he thought!

“Ok, come through with me” he heard her say in due course – just as he had got his nerves under control. “Oh God” he thought, here we go. There’s no backing out now”.

And there wasn’t.

The groomer was clearly very experienced and the consummate professional. She opened with the welcoming line – “So, why are you here?”.

“My partner suggested it would be really good for our sex life”, he responded, before asking “So, why do most people get this done?”

“Mostly for the same reason – better sex, but sometimes for  a bet”, she answered. She went on to recount her recent experience with 4 guys out on a stag night who made a bet – the winner gets a massage and the 3 losers have a BS&C.

That’s when my partner got cold feet. Well, perhaps, a chill in another part of his anatomy. But you get my drift.

“So, does it hurt”, he asked.

“Not as much as you might expect”, she responded – Oh dear! – before adding “In fact, it only really hurts around the shaft and the sides of the sack” – Oh good Lordy me!

What the hell, I thought. What was my partner on about?! For decades, we women have been making sure our lady parts (or the garden, as some call it) is well tended. Whether it’s shaving, waxing, IPL laser removal or hair removal cream, most women have had it done.

After all, how unattractive is pubic hair hanging out the sides of our bikinis, let alone our sexy and expensive lingerie.

Let’s face it, the fresh, clean look makes us feel pretty damned sexy.

And let’s not forget about our men, who universally seem to love a neatly tended garden.

Whether it’s a “landing strip”or  a “bald eagle”, both parties seem to love it.

But back to the men!

So why are men not so keen to even cut the grass, let alone trim the hedges. And why are they happy to leave we girls using their pubic hair as dental floss when it comes to bedroom oral action?

Happily, it’s more common now for men to frequent the male only grooming studios that seem to be popping up everywhere.

And as my partner discovered to his delight, not only is the job done professionally and (relatively) painlessly. It’s done with all (well most!) of the extras men are looking for in life – beer, sports, tv, men’s magazines and relaxation areas etc… everything they need to make them feel comfortable and confident. And, of course, no women (other than the groomers) are allowed past the reception area.

Trust me, I am sure Heineken invented male grooming … women don’t get spoilt to anywhere near this extent!

Seriously, it’s great that men are, at long last, moving away from the hairy-chested, so-called masculine look and attitude. It’s more hygienic; it looks better ; and as I can attest, it is just amazing for the sex life, making the area far more sensitive, far more attractive, and far more accessible for play!

I definitely recommend waxing. I know full well how uncomfortable shaving and hair removal cream can be, and how much these make you itch as the hair grows back. 

Here are some thoughts one the topic that might help .

The Manzilian

Like anything, how far you go is a personal call at the end of the day.

And the choice of garden is all your’s. Some women prefer the garden neatly tended; and some are just no good at gardening or couldn’t be bothered to garden at all, so prefer the bare patio look – I’m a patio girl myself.

As for the men, again, it’s a personal decision. The groomer told my partner – “losing it all may make you think you look pre-pubescent, but it’s worth it!”

Some men may choose to leave just a little hair above the penis. Most go for the full on removal – including the rectal waxing.

I don’t really agree with the pre-pubescent look comment, quite frankly. In fact, waxing it all makes the penis look larger, in my view – bonus!

Myths

There are many myths about men going to grooming salons and wanting or getting more than what’s on the menu. This could not be farther from the truth. The groomers are utterly professional. As a case in point, my partner told me there was a sign on the door of the salon he went to that read – “If you’re looking for a happy ending, rent a Disney movie!”

Keep calm and carry on

Believe it or not, some men are terrified of getting an erection during the process. Just imagine the silence, and as Freud (or whoever) told us, men think about sex every seven seconds (!) – so, it only takes around 7 seconds for a man’s mind to wander when a female groomer is on task in his nether regions.

So, if you’re trying to persuade your man to go along and get some gardening done, encourage him to just talk as normally as possible – oh, and remember his life is in the waxer’s hands….lol

Seriously, female groomers of males estimate nearly half of the men they wax get a hard -on at some point, and it is just part of the job. They simply cover it with a towel and carry on. No need for a cold spoon. And no embarrassment at all.

The pain factor

This girl’s view – It’s not all that painful and it’s worth it – trust me, waxing down below is so beneficial for the sex life, it’s hair free and carefree. 

His view – yeah, it hurt. It really hurt. In fact, it hurt like all hell, especially where the groomer said it would – shaft and sack. But yeah, it was definitely worth it in the sex stakes!

Bottom line – it would be a double standard for men to expect women to tend their gardens and not reciprocate. Sure, it’s not pain free. But it’s over quickly and no more painful than a flu-shot (well, not all that much more!). And anyway, men are supposed to be tougher than women – so toughen up boys! 

Benefits of the Manzilian

First up, hair-free oral sex is mind-blowing – literally. Your erogenous zones are going to be so much more sensitive. And trust me, your partner is going to be a lot more adventurous if she doesn’t have to munch her way through a hairy jungle! Just imagine her going past the penis to the scrotum then on to the anus, it’s going to be heaven.

It’s also going to be more airy down below and make you feel a lot more fresh and free.

Maintenance

I promise, it does get easier after the first time. Then it’s only about maintenance every 4-6 weeks.

You may experience a little redness, and maybe the odd raised bumpy/rash as your body gets used to it. But this should only last 24/48 hours. During this time, have luke warm showers; don’t over-exert yourself; and I think you’re supposed to abstain from sex for 24 hours – but rules are made to be broken!

If you get an ingrown hair, ask a female for advice as we are so used to them. If this isn’t an option, just call the salon and they will tell you what to do.

Have some patience … trust me, once you’ve waxed, you’ll never wane!

So guys, go the wax, and go the back, sack and crack – oh, and don’t forget the shaft!

 

 

The real A-Z of porno Lingo

I am asked more than most to help people understand the language used by the adult film industry. And I can understand why – it really is a different language, and the language of a fantasy world at that!

Seriously, my former career of more than 15 years ago is as far removed as you can be from my reality now.

It may surprise you to learn that I do not watch porn. Why? To be honest, because I am so critical of my former career, and of myself. I can tell you, if a scene is set up wrong, or the shot angle isnt right, or the editing is bad – I just cant help myself from becoming frustrated and expressing my opinion. I am a virgo woman after all!

And can you just imagine me watching porn with my partner I would be interrupting the whole film, telling him whats going to happen next. Seriously, one second the guy would have a boner and the next it would be as if I have popped a balloon. Poor bugger.

However, and with due modesty, I must admit I am fantastic at the talk. I am also the best at giving sex instructions. Just like most men would never consider giving up the driving seat, Im in charge between the sheets!

Having said that, I dont chat, or say the things I did on film. Can you imagine the look of horror on my partners his face if I suddenly started shouting Quicker babe, lets try an ATM, and you can see my gaper …”. No, thats not my way at all.

Because, of course, as you will understand, making love/sex/whatever you want to call it on the one hand, and porn on the other, are entirely different things. Porn has absolutely nothing to do with any of my serious relationships. And I dont think I have it in me to behave as I did when having sex on film Oh, ok, maybe I do!

So here you go, welcome to the porn lexicon – in alphabetical order, of course.

ATM: Ass to mouth. A mans dick comes out of your arse and straight into your mouth. Most people think this is dirty, but women in the industry always have an enema before an anal scene so its actually quite clean. If I saw even a speck of anything suspicious on a post-anal cock I wouldnt let it anywhere near my mouth.

Bukkake: In Japan this means splash. In the porn world it means a big group of guys jerking off on to a girls face. I always avoided this.

Champagne shower: Where a woman carefully removes the cork from a champagne bottle (any fizzy drink will do) and places the top end inside her at a fast pace so the champagne bubbles up inside her. When you remove the bottle it sprays like a fountain!

DP: Double penetration. This involves having sex with two men at the same time. While one has his cock in your vagina, the other has his in your arse. This can be agony if it isnt done in synch if one is going in as the others coming out, it can have a see-saw effect and it feels like being sawn in half. Id often shout Ooh, UGH!during DP to disguise the pain.

DPP: Double pussy penetration. This is where the woman is penetrated by 2 cocks in her vagina at the same time. Most male performers were not happy with this. Can be known as double vag, abbreviated from double vagina penetration

Enema: It is obviously really important to clean your bottom out before an anal scene. An enema is how to do so the most effectively. We used to use very diluted betadine with it so we knew we were completely disinfected.

Fisting: Inserting a whole hand into a womans vagina. This is illegal in porn. Youre allowed to insert four fingers at a time, but not the thumb.

Facial: Where the male performer ejaculates over the female performers face. So many men seem to desire this

Fluffer: A girl on set whos there to make sure the guys dicks stay hard during breaks in filming. An easy job because the guys always tell them exactly what they want. Fluffers are usually paid £150 a day I know, because I did this in between jobs, and its not on camera

Gaper: After around five seconds of anal sex, a producer might ask to see a gaper. By this time, a girls butt has opened quite a lot, so if the man withdraws, the butt hole is still quite open and the camera can see right into her arse. A big turn on for many, apparently. I hated it.

Gang bang: Where there are more than 4 people involved in a sex scene. I never took part in gang bangs. More than 2 is a waste.

Girlongirl: A lesbian scene. Im not gay. But I am openminded sexually, and I expect to have as good sex with a girl as I would a man on film. It really annoyed me when women used to just play act during girlongirl scenes because they come across false and, frankly, boring. You should give it your all during sex, any kind of sex.

Golden shower: Where either party urinates on the other. I found it near impossible to pee on camera. I dont know why.

Hardcore: Porn that shows deep penetration. And yes, we are really screwing on film. No camera trickery in the world can fake those shots, honey.

Hard sports: Some guys like girls to shit on them, or want to shit on girls. Hey, each to their own but its not for me. This is one of the things I always refused to do.

Inter-racial: Sex between a black man and a white woman. Some female performers refused to do this because they felt intimidated by the size of the cocks involved. They say this is a myth but believe me, Ive seen more than most and I can tell you its not. In the industry, black mens dicks are MASSIVE.

Jack off: When a man masturbates. Of course, this term is used in normal everyday life.

Kiss: The

obvious

Lianne: The name inevitably shouted loudly by the performer participating in a scene with me!

Money shot: When a man shoots his load at the end of the film.

Natural: Natural sex – sex without a condom. A minority of producers only produce films in which performers wear condoms. 99% of adult films are produced natural.

OMF: Open mouthed facial. When the male talent cums on the females face and she either swallows or blows bubbles with it.

Pop shot: Aka, the money shot. Basically when a man comes on-screen.

Pinky: When the shot shows the pussy lips open and you can see the pink of the vagina

Queen or Queenie: Often used to describe the actors in gay porn

Rimming: Licking a man or womans arse hole. Never a problem in the industry as the men keep themselves super clean. It’s actually ok with your partner just make sure its fresh out the shower.

Soft shot: Porn filmed without showing any penetration so it can be shown on satellite TV. BORING to perform, but as soon as youve shot soft you go on to shoot hard, and thats when I started to enjoy it.

Solo scene: A girl on her own filmed masturbating, often with sex toys. You have to have a fertile imagination to do this well because theres only so much you can do by yourself and convey via film. I got so bored doing it that I used to look around the room for any old objects to insert inside myself I cant even remember half of them now. It was important to learn how to look into the camera as if youre having sex with the person behind it and talk to them – like –I can feel you inside my warm, wet pussy right now. I wish you were here watching me fuck myself.That kinda stuff.

Stunt cock: Like having a dog and it’s not barking … another performer has to come in and take over. If there is no stunt cock available the usual fall back was castor sugar mixed with water and squeezed on set via a squeezy bottle.

Tromboning: Licking a mans butt hole and wanking him off at the same time.

Threesome: 3 people having sex.

Upskirt: When the camera is used as a peep show and the female is supposed to be caught in the act.

Vag Shot: Close up shot of the vagina for the viewer. Used in most films.

Water sports: Some guys love being urinated on by a girl. I did this on film but its more prevalent in escorting. Being paid to wee? That really is taking the piss.

X-rated: Used to make it obvious its a sex film. However, it could include a lot of todays regular tv now.

Yanking: Another word for male masturbation-wanking

Zero: Another word for the anus.

So, there you have it. I hope you enjoyed learning some porno language – if for no other reason than to help you understand how porn is nothing but fantasy – even if its a fantasy you might want to try with your partner some time and see who could be the better at it (go on, trust me, its hilarious

Single parent dating

 

Today, single parent dating is easier than it was for me 20 years ago. I’ve just taken a quick glance on-line and realised there are literally hundreds of sites dedicated to single parents.

Let me tell you, 20 years ago life was very different – both socially and practically. As a single parent of two back then, I should know.

The judgemental and negative attitudes of other (inevitably partnered) parents to my desire to actually seek out a life and the company of adults was breathtaking.

 

Communication was very limited. Mobile phones weren’t available to everyone as they are now. It was either the telephone box or you were left chatting to yourself or to the kids. And there was no Internet.

So, I spent every waking hour listening to ‘Barney the Purple Dinosaur’ or ‘the Teletubbies’ theme tunes. I can still remember the words. Even as I write, I find myself singing, ‘tinky winky, lala and poo….’. It would have been impossible to date anyone seriously. They would have thought I had escaped from the funny farm.

Opportunities to meet potential new partners in my day were very limited also. If you were lucky, you had brothers with single friends you could meet. I tried this approach a few times. It didn’t work out for me. It was different if they wanted to date my friends.

Occasionally, a single father might be up for a chat at the school gates. Remember the Hugh Grant movie – ‘About a Boy’ – where he borrowed a child so he could to look like a single parent and join ‘single parent groups” and go on visits to the park, all in an attempt to meet women. That might have worked for the guys. But it was not that easy for a single parent woman back in my time.

Of course, shared-parenting arrangements help. They do today, and they did back then. For me, the weekends were my own and I could go out with the girls while the children were with their father. OMG, you could actually get out of the funny farm that was your home, interact with adults; listen to some more age-appropriate and fashionable music; and, if you were lucky, you might even meet someone who gave you a phone number – a land-line of course, which had at most 6 digits, making it easy to remember; and that might even have led to a date, and even a kiss!

Let’s fast-forward 20 years to the here-and-now. The world is a whole new place, in every way possible.

Single parents are no-where near as locked down as they were. Social attitudes are far more positive and liberal. It seems there is far less stigma now if you’re a single parent who is out there dating. In fact, you are almost classed as a hero.

And hooking up is a breeze. You can literally swipe your mobile phone left or right, hand over the kids, and be making out within an hour! I’ve even heard of single parents who are single parents thanks to Tinder! Its simply amazing how much more available dating is.

Now, it may be easier today for single parents to date. However, a number of simple and sensible rules still apply, including the need to date safely – both for your sake, and for the sakes of the children.

Here are some pointers I recommend you keep in mind when you’re considering whether, who, when, where, what and how to date as a single parent.

When is the right time to date after becoming a single parent

Remind yourself why you are a single parent – why didn’t the relationship work out with the father/mother in the first place. If you are angry and disrespectful (say, of men in general, or of a man in particular) after the break up, it’s definitely not time to be dating.

However, if you are happy with your decisions and circumstances and you have moved on, then the time is right.

Becoming a single parent does not make you any different from any other single person out there. You’re still human, and it’s natural to want to find sex, friendship, love, or whatever it is you are looking for.

Well, I guess that’s mostly true – sometimes anyway. But it’s not easy having time for you, let alone making time for a date.

My advice is to be confident and get out there; make the time for yourself; and remember you are not just a mother, a housekeeper, a provider, a baby holder/sitter, taxi and body-guard. You are a human being and deserve just the same opportunity as everyone else to find love.

So, if you find you are not resentful, you have the confidence, and you can make the time, then go for it, whether it’s 3 months or 3 years, it’s about when the time is right for you.

How to find a date as a single parent

As I have said, it has never been easier than it is today. Just select the criteria you are looking for – height, shoe size, eye colour, hairstyle, whatever – and you’re going to find a date. No problem. Trust me, in this day and age, you have so much access to on-line sites and events where you can meet people it’s down to you. There is no excuse these days. If you want to date, you can. You can even find one whilst sitting at home in the comfort of your own living room and in your pyjamas! Take a look at my earlier article – ‘Best on-line dating sites’, where I covered all kinds of dating sites that may be helpful.

If it’s casual dating you’re after, then make sure you are mentally prepared to deal with it. Embarking on casual, one-night stands is very different from seeking love. It’s important to know exactly what you’re looking for before you start looking. Maybe try putting a toe in the water first. Just google some dating sites for single parents. Trust me, there are masses to choose from. And you’re guaranteed a result – hey, you might even meet your very own Hugh Grant.

Choosing who you date as a single parent

Always be honest with yourself and with your date.

If you don’t want more children then don’t date someone who says he is looking to settle down and have his own. If you want more kids and he says he doesn’t, then stay well away.

Know what you want and don’t lie about it just because his profile picture looks fab. Trust me, I was a single parent at 23 and knew I did not want any more children. Trying to find a date who did not want kids was difficult 20 years ago; it was easier to find a guy who wanted kids. I suspect it is the reverse today.

If you’re happy to take on other people’s kids say so. If not, say so. If you’re happy to have more, then again, say so.

If they don’t want children but are happy to date someone who already has children that’s great. Just don’t lie about it. It will just come back to haunt you in the end.

How or when to introduce the kids

This is a decision for you, and perhaps also for your date. Here are some thoughts that may be helpful.

At all costs, avoid the ‘revolving door’ syndrome. Children deserve all the love, security, stability and respect you can provide. They are highly impressionable. Never forget your role as a parent takes precedence over anything else you may want to do. So, don’t, repeat don’t, subject your kids to the ‘revolving door’ syndrome where they meet a series of new dates, week after week. It is just not fair on the children. Period.

Don’t introduce them to your children on the first date. God no. That is so wrong in so many ways. Leave it until you know you are both committed to the relationship. Frankly, until you’re sure about your new partner – very sure – I’d be inclined to hold off introducing them until you are.

Never lie to children. If it’s a new love interest, then tell them the truth. Never introduce a new partner to the children by referring to them as uncle (or aunty). Years ago, children were introduced to new partners in this way. It’s dishonest and it’s wrong.

I always suggest bringing a new partner into a conversation with your children in a low-key way so they are aware of the name and there are minimal expectations – no point telling them you’re dating Santa Clause and then introducing them to Eddie the Eagle! We all feel happier when we are able to put a face to a name we have heard, and who we know something about. Children are no different

Where to go for dates with and without the kids

Let me get this straight from the start – you are not the only one building a relationship with your new partner. So are your children. And they are being required to adapt.

So, always keep in mind when you are thinking about going out on dates, that some dates should be just you and your partner; and others may be family dates. These are two separate events, and should be planned and treated accordingly.

When you have an intimate date in mind, go without the kids. Go somewhere that suits you both as a couple. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that (assuming the kids are safe and looked after at home or with family or friends, of course). You deserve it.

On the other hand, if you’re planning to help develop the relationship between the children and your partner, then by all means consider a family date. I’d usually think a Saturday, and try to include some activities that help everyone get to know each other –  a day in the park with a picnic; a boat trip on the river, etc…

Maybe not a movie at this stage, as not a lot of “getting to know you” happens in a darkened theatre – at least not of the sort we’re talking about here!

My point is that different dates have different purposes.

Depending on the age of your kids and the sort of relationship you enjoy with them, you might even want to explain the difference between intimacy and unconditional love. I believe this is a fantastic conversation to have with children of any age. Enjoy.

Can I have sex as a single parent

Yes. Yes. And oh yes! I would have gone insane if I had been forced to abstain from sex – whether I was a single parent or single without kids.

Sex is entirely natural. We are born with a desire for sex. You should never feel just because you’re a single parent you are somehow less human and you must abstain “for the sake of the children” or for any reason.

In fact, there is a case worthwhile arguing that single parenthood is a damned fine time to up your sex life – to make the most of your spare time, relieve any pent-up frustration from being a single parent in the first place, and feel as good as you can.

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But, and it’s a big one, for obvious reasons, if it’s casual dating that you are into, then keep it as far away from the children as possible. That includes keeping it away from your family home where your children have the right to feel safe and secure. Wait until the weekend or exchange babysitting with a friend; or pay for your own, so you can get out. Trust me, there are plenty of better places than your own bed to have great sex. Hey, if he (or you) can’t afford a nice hotel, you can always try being a teenager again – mercy, there are so many great places out there to experiment in!

 

What if I get caught by the children having sex

Years ago, children (myself included) were given sex education in a 30 minute class that went something like – you meet the love of your life; get married; have sex; buy a house; and then have children and live happily ever after. This included a 15 minute black and white film that was so grainy that we kids couldn’t see anything anyway.

Thank god that has changed. Today, it is so different. Perhaps most importantly, children are now taught sex is a natural part of life – okay, so they’re probably not taught the whole truth, including the joyful diversity of sexual preference available to us humans; or even the fact that when they grow up sex might be more about recreation (ie. fun) than procreation (ie. having babies); or more about action than love; or even that it’s more exciting as you get older. But sex education is certainly better than it was.

Unfortunately, a number of faults remain.

One of my pet hates about modern sex education is that, for some reason, children are taught about sex separately from their parents. How ironic, bordering on bizarre, is that? Kids are taught about the process by which they were created in the absence of the couple that were responsible for their creation in the first place!

If you get caught by your kids in the act, which I’m sure you will at least once in your life, the children are going to be just as embarrassed as you are. Don’t panic. Just reassure them that no one was getting hurt and you were sharing an intimate experience. And let the kids tell you what they saw. Then try to talk your way out of the most embarrassing situation of your life! Ha!!

And a word of advice – make sure baby monitors are turned on one-way from the kids room, not the other way around!

Oh, and don’t even get me started about the ridiculousness of not teaching about same-sex relationships and so on.

When should my ex introduce a new partner to the children

It will come as no surprise that it takes 2 people to make a child. So, in a perfect world, both parents should be involved in these sorts of decisions.

If you are on friendly terms with your ex, I suggest having a chat about it before new partners are introduced so you both adopt a consistent approach. There is nothing worse than the ex arriving to pick up the children one weekend with a new partner in tow that you know nothing about. It’s not fair on you and it’s not fair on the children. And it’s just plain wrong for the reasons mentioned earlier.

 

If your ex has a new partner on the scene, I would insist on meeting her or him before agreeing to them being introduced to the children.

Of course, the same guidelines apply if you wish to introduce a new partner.

If you’re on less reasonable terms with your ex, and they won’t agree to this approach, ask them if they would ever leave the kids with a stranger – they wouldn’t. So address the children’s’ safety immediately.

It does not matter how well your ex knows their new partner, you don’t and therefore you need to be sure in order to reassure your children.

Further recommendations

I am qualified via the Family Planning Association in the United Kingdom in sex education, teenage pregnancies, sex education for boys, and sex, law and policy.

The FPA offers short courses on how to educate children on sex. You can attend these course alone, or arrange for your school or a group to get together and arrange a day course.

Based on my experiences, it will arm you with all the information you need to help your children develop an understanding of, and healthy approach to, sex, dating and relationships, whether their own or others’. It will also prepare you to answer the many questions your children will raise now and in the future on these topics.

There is plenty of free information available on-line from the FPA  at http://www.fpa.org.uk/

 

 

 

What is ‘sexercise’

Sexercise involves regular forms of exercise that seek to enhance health and sexual performance. While sexercise is usually performed with a partner, solitary masturbation might be considered sexercise if done athletically for health and fitness.

Exercise generally, and sexercise in particular, is known to improve and quicken the flow of oxygenated blood, in higher and consistent amounts, along with other beneficial chemical compounds, particularly to the genitalia, which is important for fertility and important during intercourse.

Common sexercise programs range from weight training to aerobic and cardiovascular routines. Sexercise also enhances flexibility which is important to enable and enhance the performance of certain sexual positions – most often, spreading the legs during missionary and arching the back for doggy style – not unlike a number of the poses practised in other forms of exercise such as yoga.

We all know its much more fun to romp between the sheets than go to the gym. But if we combine the two – sex and the gym – an explosion or two … or even more, is guaranteed!

Trust me I know…

I once presented a show on the Health and Fitness Channel titled the ‘domestic gym’, in which we sought to make household chores look sexy and inviting. Now, I have to admit, if I was offered sex to burn the calories instead of housework, I’d take up the offer in a heart-beat!

 

It’s common knowledge that the better you feel in yourself, the more sex you want … and need. One of the benefits of exercise is it makes you want to have sex more, which in turn means more sex you need – and so the happy cycle continues.

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And with all the extra energy and endorphins flowing around there’s no better way to use them up than by having sex. Let’s also not forget sex and exercise are both natural anti-depressants.

So why not jump into bed and make someone  (and yourself) happy today … say I told you so!

 

 

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In future articles, I will provide advice for women and men on how to improve your sex life, so stay tuned..

I am qualified in yoga, pilates, advanced personal training, motivation and adherence, healthy eating and planning, certified through YMCA governing body, United Kingdom.