BREXIT and sexual laws

 

With the impending referendum on whether Britain should withdraw from the European Union – the so-called “Brexit” – it seems everyone has an opinion.

Even US President Obama got in on the act and tried to influence the Brits how to vote. To be honest, I thought his words came across more as a threat to the effect the US won’t play with the Brits any more if they leave the EU. Sorry Mr President – butt out – it’s none of your business. You’d be better off spending your time making sure “the Donald (Trump)” doesn’t take over your job – for all our sakes!!

But back to the Brexit debate. As expected, everyone has a particular perspective on what withdrawal from the EU means for their area of interest – be it trade and commerce; scientific research; travel and holidays; higher education; agriculture; security and defence; the environment; sport and culture – my god, there’s even a debate on what withdrawal from the EU means for Britain’s role in the Eurovision Sing Contest!!

When it comes to politics, I admit I’m no expert. However, my loyal followers will know I’m an expert in and passionate about sex and relationships. So, I thought I’d look into what withdrawal from the EU might mean for sex.

The manner in which the EU regulates sex work is a reasonable indicator of its approach to the issue.

I had assumed a body like the EU would have a fairly well organised and consistent
approach to the issue of sex  – after all, sex ranks right up there with food as a fundamental want and need – just think Adam and Eve, who had two priorities – a quick bite & a shag!

Oh how wrong could I have been!! To my amazement, the Euro-pollies have really created a dog’s breakfast in terms of sex work regulation.

OMG, I had no idea Britain’s membership of the EU imposes so many rules and regulations on what we can and can’t do in the bedroom!

Whilst the detail below is a little dated, I think it makes fascinating reading and reflects the fact that the various members of the EU are far from united in their approach to sex work regulation.

To illustrate this, let’s look at the approach of some countries to the provision and procurement of sexual services for money and related issues.

Austria – Prostitution is legal.  Sex workers are required to be registered and have weekly medical tests to avoid sexually transmitted diseases. Procurement of sex for money is illegal.

Belgium – Prostitution is legal if it “does not disturb the public order” via openly providing sexual services. Oh, ok, that would be the “if you can’t see it, it can’t harm you” principle – kinda like cancer!! Procurement is illegal. Brothels are legal if the prostitutes do not make “abnormal profits”. What the f***???!!!

Seriously, what a compete shamozzel! Only the Belgians could come up with a system of sex work regulation like this. And, seeing as Brussels is the centre of the EU universe, is it any wonder the EU is completely rooted (pun completely intended!)

Denmark – Prostitution is legal. Curiously, it used to be legal “only as an extra income”, but now people can lawfully earn their entire income from prostitution. Prostitutes can register themselves as independent workers.  The advertisement of sexual services is very open. Procurement is illegal.

Finland – Prostitution is legal but prohibited in public areas. Local municipalities can prohibit street prostitution. Procurement is legal but a proposal to adopt the Swedish law that penalises clients is being considered.

France – “Active prostitution” is illegal. Not sure what that means – maybe its lawful if a prostitute just lies still!!! LoL In practice, prostitution is tolerated as long as it does not disturb public order and therefore is restricted to certain areas. It is also okay for disabled persons.

Greece – Prostitution is legal but only in state-licensed brothels, and is highly regulated. Brothels are not allowed within 200 metres of public buildings.

Germany – Prostitution is legal. Berlin has regulated certain areas where prostitution may not be exercised – close to schools and child care centres, for instance. Prostitutes can have social insurance, be on paid sick leave and receive a pension, if they are hired by a brothel.  “Foreign women” are not included by the law. Advertising is open.

Ireland – All kinds of prostitution is illegal. I guess we can thank the Catholic Church for Ireland’s less than enlightened view. Thank goodness they have a more liberal view on gay marriage!

Italy – Prostitution is legal but brothels and procurement are not. Prostitution is considered to be a problem of disturbing the public order. There is a proposal aimed at allowing brothels but not street prostitution.

Luxembourg – Prostitution is legal. Brothels and procurement are illegal.

The Netherlands – Prostitution is legal and considered a profession like any other. Prostitutes have the right to hygienic working conditions, security at the workplace and so on. They have to pay income tax. Brothels are legal and can advertise.

Portugal – Prostitution is legal. “Facilitating” prostitution and procurement are illegal. Curiously, the law doesn’t mention male prostitution, only female. So it’s all legal for men, I guess.

Spain – Prostitution and procurement are legal. It is illegal to force someone to work as a prostitute, to exploit someone’s weak position by making them work as a prostitute and to stop someone working as a prostitute. Brothels are illegal in some regions.

Sweden – It is illegal to buy or try to buy sexual services. Prostitution is considered to be gender related violence and an expression for unequal relations between women and men. The law prohibiting the purchase of sexual services is a part of the Womens Inviolable Rights Act (the catchily named “Kvinnofridslagstiftningen”) and includes laws on violence against women, sexual harassment, gender mutilation and so on.

United Kingdom – Prostitution is legal if the prostitute works independently without disturbing the public order. Men who are found several times in prostitution areas buying sex can be fined. It is illegal to advertise prostitution, run a brothel or recruit persons for prostitution. Members of the Scottish parliament have suggested “tolerance zones” in Scotland.

What the *** – I thought the EU was intended to make life simpler. Seriously, if you’re a working girl or a punter, you need a law degree just to give or get a shag in return for a few Euros!!

In all countries it is a criminal offence to buy sex from children under 18 – at least they got that one right!
Now we come to some silly stuff – the recent ban of face sitting in sex movies – banning face sitting – seriously!! Come on!!! This is one worth going to the barricades over and let the party police know we simply won’t stand – well, sit! – for them spoiling one of the most enjoyable positions we know. I can see it now – hundreds of activists protesting against these new laws by taking it in turns to sit on one another’s faces outside parliament and singing Monty Python’s “Sit on my face and tell me that you love me” or chanting “What do we want? Face-sitting! When do we want it? Now!

And this from politicians of all people. After all, their profession is very well represented in the list of perverse sexual preferences – trust me, I’ve known quite a few! In fact, I’m sure I saw one prominent MP at a fetish party I attended – jut before he donned a pig mask and bent over for a good spanking and shagging! And now the same MP is preaching that a vote to leave the EU is “immoral” – oh, really?! – more immoral than being spanked and shagged as a pig?!

Do you really think we should allow ourselves to be dictated to by such a bunch of hypocrites!

The bottom line in my view is that we should all vote, and we should do so on the basis of what staying in or leaving the EU means for issues we care about, not on what our MPs tell us to.

Oh and by the way – Brussels is a fantastic city, but it needs to stick at what it does best – beer and chocolate – and leave governing to those with the ability to do it well!!

Around the World in 80 lays (or less!)

 

Nearly every country competes at the Olympic Games. And they all spend a bundle in pursuit of gold and national glory in a host of athletic events.

Why – oh why – is sex not an Olympic event?

Surely, every country would want to have bragging rights as the nation of most satisfying lovers.

Of course, the Americans would claim to be the best – as they do at everything. However, in this department they are well off the pace. And that’s notwithstanding heroic sexual performances by at least two of their Presidents: first, JFK for his antics with Marilyn Monroe – yes, “Happy Birthday (indeed) Mr President, Happy Birthday to you!“; and second, Bill Clinton and his revealing sexual and tobacco appetite with Monica Lewinsky. So, as they might say, a good effort by the US – but “no cigar!

As it happens, we Brits beat the Yanks hands down – even although we still do have a long way to go to catch up with the rest of the field in the sex stakes!

Seriously, I do think sex deserves to be an Olympic event. I just checked the criteria – it’s all set out in a document not-so-sexily-called “The Evaluation Criteria for inclusion of Sports and Disciplines at the Olympics” – catchy, huh?! Incidentally, the Criteria run to 8 Themes, 39 Criteria and 74 Items!

Of these, sex ticks the box on most criteria, notably amongst which are  – Gender Equity (tick) – Youth Appeal (double tick) – Spectator Interest (absolutely) – Digital Component (really?!) – Athletes Health (ticko); and, my favourite for obvious reasons, Television Appeal (treble tick!).

Now, I’m sure there have been plenty of attempts to organise a Sex Olympiad. Unfortunately, it just seems not to have taken off. So, being the girl I am, I thought I’d hold my own. Here are the rankings.

Unsurprisingly, countries with more socially liberal views would do best in the Sex Olympics. 

In an attempt to bring some transparency to this exercise, I thought I’d approach the task of selecting the best and worst performers on just two criteria – an independent survey, combined with my personal experience!

First, the independent stuff. The results of a survey of “nationality sexual satisfaction”
published by “Digital Durex” (Hmmmm – again?!) are startling. Apparently, the survey measured the following criteria of selected countries, namely – “Mutual love and respect between partners” – “Freedom from stress” – “Ability to orgasm” – “Freedom from sexual dysfunction” – “Good mental and physical health” – and “Frequency of sex and foreplay”. Wow, what a survey.

Second, my unabashed and completely prejudiced views which are based solely on my own experiences. Trust me, I have plenty of dating experience under my belt (so to speak). Seriously, I have dated and had relationships with more nationalities than you could probably name – hence the title “Around the world in 80 lays“! 

So here goes!

After sorting through their mountains of data, Digital Durex has come up with a list of the best 12 performing countries in terms of sexual satisfaction rankings. My thoughts are included below.

Switzerland: They have licensed brothels and progressive views on prostitution, a liberal stance on pornography, and sex education begins at kindergarten. So, Switzerland is certainly progressive in sexual terms. 

Moreover, a massive percentage responded to say their sex lives are excellent, with 32% admitting to having engaged in sexual activity outdoors. 

Yet, even with this, they have one of the world’s lowest teen birth rates – now that is really coolWell done guys. A creditable performance.

So, if you are looking for a partner who is not just good on skis but also between the sheets (or on a mountain side), you know where to head. 

I’ve never had sex with a Swiss as far as I can remember – but I think I’ll take up skiing!

Spain: The Spanish have been voted the “best male lovers”. Yeah, I know, it all sounds too much of a cliché – after all, just ask them!! 

A quarter of Spaniards rate their sexual performance as excellent, and a whopping 90% of Spanish men and women said they were sexually satisfied, and that sex got better over time in their relationships.

It could be down to all those nudist beaches, and the social acceptance of gay marriage.

But let’s not forget their great accents, and the wonderful craziness that is the annual  Running with the Bulls. I don’t know.

Personally, again, I don’t think I have dated or had sex with a Spaniard. But I must confess I’m not in a hurry, as they seem a little too much in love with themselves! “Lo siento chicos!(Sorry guys!)“.


Italy:
 They were bound to make it to the top of the charts – again, just ask them and they’ll tell you what great lovers they are.

But seriously, the ambience of their food, their wine, their art, their language and so on. Seriously, it’s said seduction begins at the table – speaking of which, keep an eye out for my forthcoming writings – Cook and Hook

One survey of Italian women revealed they were extremely satisfied. However, a third responded they wished sex would last longer than the average 10 minutes. Haha – so much for the Italian Stallion. 

And I can vouch for that – I had an encounter with an Italian – it took 8 minutes, in fact!

Brazil: No  surprise to see the host of this year’s real Olympics near the top of the list. In fact, I’m surprised they didn’t finish higher. After all, they invented my favourite “hair cut”.

Brazilians were rated the world’s second best lovers behind the Spanish. It’s said 82% of Brazilians have sex at least once a week – wow! It’s also said they lose their virginity earlier than in any other country.

And yes, I have had a sexual encounter with a Brazilian. It was a little overwhelming to be honest – and not in a good way. They talked all the way through it – not to mention they all think they have the hand of god – like Diego Maradona!

Greece: It seems Greeks are very sexually satisfied because they are less uptight about discussing sex. 

I guess that’s not entirely surprising, as the Greeks have a long – very long – history of being able to talk expertly about anything – hey, just think Plato, Aristotle, Socrates – an impressive line up. 

And let’s not forget “Greek” – the term for anal sex – was coined here. Hard to imagine having anal sex and not saying anything, frankly!

However, according to the survey, although the Greeks are very open about sex, only 51% responded they were sexually satisfied.

Okay, yes, I confess – I’ve had anal sex – but not with a Greek!

The Netherlands: They are are known for being one of the World’s most sexually liberal countries – thanks largely to its famous red light district and open sex education policies – both of which I consider strongly the rest of the World should follow. 

And it seems they are quite a confident lot with 64% saying they are assertive in their sex lives.

Yes, yes and yes, I’ve had sex in Amsterdam, and been to the sex shows…. Who hasn’t?

Mexico: I have no idea how Mexico made it before the Brits – but I guess they’re kind of Spanish. But come on lads, you’re letting the side down now as you are seriously behind!

In fact, Mexico has been ranked one of the World’s horniest countries – and second as the most sexually satisfied.

It may have something to do with the fact that sex work is decriminalized and regulated in half the country’s states.

I admit to one count of drunken sexual behaviour under the influence of their national drink – Tequila! But it wasn’t with a Mexican.

India: Hey, I guess it’s no surprise that Indians are pretty good at the sex games. After all, they’re responsible for the Karma Sutra, and for Tantric Sex.

But did you know that Indians wait the longest of any nation to have sex for the first time, at an average age of 22! 

They are also ranked as one of the most sexually satisfied countries in the world. 

There are a couple of theories about why their performance is so high. One is that it’s because Indians prepare for a journey rather than the final destination – similarly, they take their time in the bedroom department. 

However, once they get to the sex part, it seems they don’t last very long with the average time span of 13 minutes for foreplay and sex! I suspect that means 12 minutes of foreplay and 1 minute of sex!

Yes I have dated an Indian man. 

Australia: Now, this is where I get in a little bit of trouble – particularly with my all time fave partner – but what can I say but – suck it up sweet-heart – literally!

Seriously, don’t ask me how the Aussies made to the top 100, let alone the top 10!

I suspect it’s because 75% admit to having outdoor sex. And I assume that includes vehicles because they have this quaint mating (aka virginity removal) ritual called “Drive-ins”. These are outdoor cinemas you drive into & watch the movie sitting in your car. My fave partner told he lost his cherry at one of these – cool. 

A high percentage (27%) of female Australians fantasize about having a threesome. 


And surveys reveal that Australians are the most promiscuous daters, with a high average of 25 sex partners!

Trust me, the ranking and these stats blow me away – quite literally. I have lived in Western Australia for 6 years and still do for half the year. In my opinion, Aussie men  prefer hanging with their mates and surfing (or any sport) to just about anything else. Seriously, it’s very hard to get a look in, and when you do, you will find they are selfish lovers…… maybe that’s only the 25% I tried – lol

Nigeria: According to Durex, Nigeria is rated number one in the world for sexual satisfaction. 

I suspect the main reason is they take the longest time having sex – average of 24 minutes. 

It may also be down to the fact that Nigerian women are ranked the most unfaithful in the world – a staggering 62% admit to being unfaithful!

No, I haven’t had sex with a Nigerian. But I imagine (seriously) that they would go the distance with me, and rumour has it they are exceptionally well endowed.

Germany: They are ranked the World’s worst lovers. Well, thank god for that – at least we Brits mange to beat someone at something. And what an irony it’s the Germans we beat again – how does the song go – “Two World Wars and One World Cup, do da, do da…

A respectable figure (for a loser) of 32% admit to having one night stands, and 30% admit to having sex in public.

I suppose there is an up-side to being sexually up-tight – that is, they are rated the World’s lowest for sexually transmitted diseases.

Oh well, if they’re not good at sex, at least they play safe. A bit like their football, isn’t it.

Not surprisingly, Germans rate themselves as the best lovers. But hey, they always take themselves so damned seriously, that’s hardly surprising, is it?! After all, take a look at this not-so-light quote from one of that nations finest (finest bastards, that is) – “So she thoroughly taught him that one cannot take pleasure without giving pleasure, and that every gesture, every caress, every touch, every glance, every last bit of the body has its secret, which brings happiness to the person who knows how to wake it. She taught him that after a celebration of love the lovers should not part without admiring each other, without being conquered or having conquered, so that neither is bleak or glutted or has the bad feeling of being used or misused. – Herman Hesse. I bet that little “bon mot” had the girls queuing in the aisles for a night out with Hermy!

As for me – no comment necessary.

China: This has to be a wild card as China is one of the most conservative and repressive societies in the World. However, behind closed doors they’re having more sex weekly than most other nations. 

78% percent of the population is getting in on the action at least once a week. 

Of course, the big increase in disposable income available to the growing middle class due to China’s economic explosion has helped – in the past 10 years, on-line sex shop purchases have boomed in China, and it has become the centre for sex toy manufacturing.

Yes, I dated a Chinese man – he was 63 and pretty wild – he lived in HK. He was a nice guy. Just not my type. And yes, they are a little smaller in that department.

So there you have it. 

I must say, I found the fact that France did so poorly a little surprising – but not nearly as surprising as they found it, I’m sure! I suspect, like so many things, the French just “over-cooked” it! Just take a look at Albert Camus’ contribution to the sex debate – “The only deep emotion I occasionally felt in these affairs was gratitude, when all was going well and I was left, not only peace, but freedom to come and go — never kinder and gayer with one woman than when I had just left another’s bed, as if I extended to all others the debt I had just contracted toward one of them.” What the f*** does that mean?!

Hopefully , Britain will maintain the movement to promote sexual activity for all sorts of
good reasons, not least so we can climb the Sex Olympics rankings next time. The fact the British are ranked the second worst lovers in the World is a national disgrace. 

Oh, and special mention to the Welsh, who came in 7th worst and are described as too selfish; and to the Scots, who came in 8th and too loud! Presumably the English were still in the Pub, and the Irish were just too pissed to care. xxx All in fun, of course!

Why tantra will never replace porn

 

205886_257927834234008_100000503792787_1150766_1309260_nPeople often ask me whether Tantric sex could replace Pornography.

I must say, the first few times I was asked that question, I found it curious – simply because, at least on the face of it, Tantric sex and Adult Film are so different.

Generally speaking, whether you’re watching an Adult Film alone or with a partner, the objective is to achieve stimulation prior to masturbation or sexual activity. Fundamentally, it’s about a quick thrill. It’s not about taking the time for engaging and lasting love-making. In contrast, Tantric sex takes time. So, I have always responded to the question – “No, Tantric sex and Adult Film aren’t interchangeable.”

However, I have been asked the question so often that I gave it some further thought. Here are my observations.

Fantasy v reality

Incidentally, it’s really important to distinguish between the reality that is connected and engaged love-making on the one hand that is a feature of Tantric sex; and as I have made clear ion previous articles, the fantasy that is Pornography. Never, – I repeat never – see Adult Film as anything other than fantasy. There is no love, no connection – it is acting – pure and simple (okay, maybe not so pure sometimes!).

What is Pornography?

Pornography is a generic term for printed or visual material containing explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate sexual excitement. Of course, it includes pornographic movies – or Adult Film, as I prefer to call it – after all, it’s just a form of acting – as I have made clear in the past, Adult Film is about as far removed from reality as Donald Trump is (or should be) from the White House!!

What is Tantric sexuality?

Ancient Indian scriptures believe our energy levels are controlled by nine chakras (wheels) that pass along a vertical axis (straight line) through our body.

According to these scriptures, you can experience happiness, get rid of pain and emotions, or control and enhance any human emotion by activating and connecting with these chakras.

Whilst the precise means by which these chakras or energy centres work remain largely a mystery, modern studies have found evidence of the exist in the body.

Tantric sexuality is the art of activating and connecting with these nine chakras during the sexual activity, and by which you can experience sexual satisfaction on a higher level.

So, broadly speaking, you might compare Tantric sex as slow, connected ,love-making, and sex after reading or viewing Porn as a shag!

As many of my followers are aware, I used to appear in Adult Films about 15 years ago. So I am an expert in Pornography – at least in the film making side of it. And I am more about this subject than most about what it can do to enhance, as well as damage, your relationships and you personally.

Come on, let’s all admit it, we all have the desire to want someone and to be wanted by b5f497c84da40ddcb0e2b880a586cec2them – you know, really, deeply wanted. And sexual intimacy, particularly where the sexual connection is such that orgasm is achieved, is an incredibly effective way to express and fulfil that desire.

But how many of us actually can achieve an orgasm – whether every time or even occasionally? Don’t be concerned if you can’t – there is help available and plenty of techniques we can try – more of that in another article. For now, I want to explore what Tantric fans say is achievable – orgasm without physical sexual involvement with your partner.

I have to confess I’ve never have fully understood Tantric – hey, I’m a busy girl! But I’m pretty sure I’d been close to what I think the Tantrists are talking about. Seriously, I was so closely connected a few times with one great sexual partner that I would nearly achieve orgasm during foreplay – through kissing and touching – even by giving him head! Amazing!!

However, as I understand Tantric, kissing and foreplay are out-of-bounds. So, how do I explain my connection with my partner – is it simply that I find him a turn on?

I remember one time I met a female Tantric teacher. I was doubtful when she told me she would be able to make my partner achieve an orgasm without touching him. I think she was a little surprised when I took her up on the offer. She probably didn’t realise I am a highly sexualised person who has lived a life of plenty and knows pretty much everything there is to know about sexual performance. I just wanted to see how Tantric worked.

So I booked in my partner for what I described as an early birthday present. Off he went, and I arranged to meet him afterwards. I just couldn’t wait for a full down-load, so to speak! Seriously, I wanted to know every little detail.

I had no issue buying him this sort of gift – why should I – it’s not actually love-making – it doesn’t even involve sex in the physical way we know – surely, it’s no different to him watching an Adult Film – or is it?

I met my partner afterwards and he looked at me a little strangely. He said he was a little surprised that I had actually sent him somewhere to achieve an orgasm – and with someone else! So I explained,hey, he knows I’m a little different in my attitudes to sex, and I really I wanted to know if Tantric actually worked. He said he didn’t even get an erection, let alone an orgasm. He added that he really tried to get into but that it just did nothing for him. So, for him, it was a no-go

img_0209Another Tantric teacher I met was quite fascinating. She was bit wild sexually. And she told me she swore by Tantric. She added that she holds classes regularly. I asked her to explain it, and why it hadn’t worked for my partner. She told me it’s all in the mind – about relaxation and being in touch with yourself and your partner. She outlined some of the techniques she uses – setting up the room – setting the mood etc… I must admit that’s when she lost me. I’m just too damned excited and turned on to stop and say right at the critical time – hold on a bit honey, I just have to set the room up right – oh, and sorry to spoil the moment but can you take a relaxing bath before we do the business! GIOd, we’d both be asleep by the time he had finished!

But sex is important, and I’m an open-minded girl, so I decided to persevere and look into Tantric further.

So what is involved in Tantric sex – well, it’s complicated

Tantra is a set of techniques used all over the world to deepen intimacy and increase passion and communication in a more open and authentic way, it also said to provide a spiritual engagement.

It is believed it goes back 5000 years ago, and views sex and orgasm as heightening spiritual awareness.

Apparently, you need to use breathing techniques to relax and clear your mind to be able to achieve that heightened state of awareness, after which you can achieve orgasm. Hell, if that’s all it takes, I’ll give it a go”

So I’ve tried all this. But I just can’t get sexual images out my mind when I’m horny so I’m at a loss for sure.

Damn, if only I could concentrate on my breathing when I’m horny, then I would be able to spread the so-called orgasmic energy you’re supposed to feel all over my body, including to my erogenous zones. Damn, if I could only do that, I’d bottle and sell it for a fortune!

How about Porn sex – hell, it’s simple

Porn has been around thousands of years.

Just as many women and men use Pornography to enhance their sex lives.

I assume this is because they can learn some techniques from it. I guess they can also be stimulated quicker and that helps them achieve orgasm.

It’s also about be able to see it rather than feel it. Watching is easier than running a bath and setting the room. With Porn you’re watching it because you’re in the mood and because you are relaxed enough with your partner to do so.

No need for setting up rooms – no need for hot baths – just switch on the TV and throw in a disc – watch the stars do their stuff – get horny – jump into bed (or wherever) – bingo!!

The Tantric O – dear

Apparently, the orgasm is a fringe benefit in Tantric, but it isn’t everything.

Hell, this is starting to sound like one of those cheap TV ads – I thought Tantric promoted itself as the sure-fire way to the too-good-for-words orgasm.

So I read on.

It seems Tantric is also supposed to deliver smaller, quicker orgasms for women. Sounds good – what’s next?

Well, there’s a set of guidelines you need to follow. Here goes…

IMG_4230-2First, you’re supposed to create a sacred place for love-making and awaken your senses with oils and flowers or scented candles. You can also include sensual fabrics like silk. Fine. Tick that one-off the list!

Then, after this is all set up, you have to shake yourself alive, put on your favourite music and stand with legs hip width apart, relaxing your body and breathing in and out all the way to your belly button – just like with yoga. Shake all your limbs for at least a minute. Lie down and invite your partner into the bedroom. By now, you should have opened up all the channels that have been holding tension … oh yeah – there’d be loads of tension if I had stopped my partner just as he was getting horny to say go stand outside the room while I shake myself off like a wet dog!

Next up is more breathing while sitting on the floor or bed with your partner. The female on the male’s lap is an option – it seems.

Then close your eyes and use your imagination to follow your breathing. Start rocking like , moving forward as you inhale and back as you exhale. Then look into your partner’s eyes lovingly gaze, and rock together. Sorry, I think they’ve already invented this – it’s called dancing!

Sorry, back to the guidelines! Apparently, this will lead to a deep connection that will blow your mind… or maybe blow your back if you’re not careful….

Finally, you can have the Tantric kiss – thank god – you’ve scored at last! Oh dear, there’s more. Whilst in the same position, you start rocking together as you inhale and he exhales. As he breaths out you will or should discover your breathing each other’s breath deeply down into your body, including your sex organs……

Then you can kiss and share your breath together as one, and you don’t need intercourse as you will feel that you have merged as one.

Hmmmm. So, where’s the O?

In all honesty, if my partner and I had to breathe into each others’ mouths and sit like that for more than about 30 seconds, we’d both say bugger this & go from rocking to shagging.

The Porn O

As a retired Adult Film star, trust me when I say I find it impossible to watch porn now.

I just don’t see it the same way as I did before I entered the movie business. Yes it was 15 years ago, but once you know all the facts behind it, then you kind of do start using your mind a lot more.

shutterstock_74563099No, not in tantric terms although I am very present in the moment when having sex with my partner. I don’t think about that new pair of shoes I want to buy like I used to whilst I was performing for the camera. Making an Adult Film takes far longer than Tantra let me tell you!

Orgasms are easier and quicker to achieve watching Porn.

You can also pretend to be a different character whilst enjoying sex.

The end of virtually every Adult Film ends with an orgasm – so you already know where this is going – unlike Tantric.

The very best thing about watching Adult Films with your partner is just that – the fact you have a strong enough bond that you watch it together at all. Well, okay, the second best thing after the orgasm – after all why do you think it’s nicknamed Porn-O

Achieving orgasm through porn is different from Tantric. It’s much easier to achieve orgasm through physical sex – something most sexual beings desire – and whether or not you achieve orgasm.

I don’t think Tantric will ever replace sex. But there can be no harm in giving it a try – pretty much anything you and your partner (or you alone) experiment with makes your sexual relationship stronger time when you have the time.

Just keep it real guys, and don’t for moment confuse Porn sex with love-making!

The promiscuous dater

The Promiscuous dater
Promiscuous? A curious word, isn’t it? Sounds like an old Greek guy who was condemned by the gods to push a rock up a hill for eternity to repent for some sin or other. Oh, sorry, that was Prometheus – or maybe Sissyphus – I can’t recall.

Anyway, my point is that social attitudes on promiscuity haven’t progressed all that far since old Promy’s day.

Literally, “promiscuous” describes a person having or characterized by many transient sexual relationships – someone who demonstrates or implies an indiscriminate or casual approach to sex.

In a dating context, I guess that means a person of any gender who sleeps with different partners frequently. This is commonly known as having a one night-stand or regular flings.

Now, I’ve got to admit this is one article that you might want to take with a grain of salt – after all, I am the ultimate single girl – and as one anonymous whiz so astutely observed – “Single girls taking advice from a single girl is like Ray Charles giving Stevie Wonder driving directions“.

Anyway, so much for the health warning – here we go!

It’s also known as “sleeping around”. Another curious expression, don’t you think -‘cos there’s not a lot of sleeping going on in this context as far as I can tell!

And, my personal view is that it’s a good thing. Hell, I’ve been sleeping around – or a promiscuous dater, if you prefer – on and off for many years.

Why? Well, for me, I just prefer choice and variety; and I am fortunate enough to have had both. So why not enjoy it. After all, as Mae West commented wryly – “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

But seriously, how boring would life be if it wasn’t for choice and variety – in every respect, including sex.?

Just think about the variety of ice creams available. Where there’s variety, there is the opportunity to choose. And, surely, we want to try them all – at least before we decide which one is our favourite. And don’t even go near the question of which toppings you can add – oh, how my mind wonders…

Why should sex be treated any differently from any other aspect of life? Surely you want to try a range of partners, if only to find the one that’s right for you?!

And that’s even before you get to the many different kinds of relationships that are available these days – both within the traditional boundaries of man and woman – gay, lesbian and so on – all of which are far more socially acceptable these days.

So, why is promiscuous dating frowned upon? Especially if all we are doing is trying before we buy!
I’ve heard it said that a promiscuous dater is someone who is afraid of being hurt? And I guess I understand the argument – you know, along the lines that if there is no commitment, then there is no breach of trust or promise etc…. But, frankly, I don’t agree with the proposition. Why can’t it just be accepted that some people don’t want to settle down?

Hell, is the choice really between settling down with the wrong person who makes your life miserable on the one hand, and having no sexual relationship at all on the other? Surely that can’t be right.

I know for a fact that it just is not right. At a young age (18), I settled down with my first partner, and we had a child. It was my first real relationship. I thought he would be the love of my life and we’d be together forever. Then I realised he was not who I wanted to be with, so I left him. My God, the reaction from people was extraordinary – think of your son – you can’t leave and be a single parent with nothing else in life – blah, blah, blah …. I must admit I found the comments very hurtful at the time.

Stupidly, rather than ignore the comments and pursue my own path, I took them to heart and jumped straight into another relationship. And I had a child with him also. After all, what choice did I have back then (20+ years ago)? Society was incredibly harsh and, frankly, unrealistic. No one spoke of one-night stands or just getting your needs met – not in my provincial British town anyway. It’s just what society expected of young girls in those days. And again, of course, the relationship didn’t work out. In fact, it was a disaster. I remember before making the decision to leave him and take on society yet again as a single mum, I went to visit an Aunt who gave me some simple but really sound advice – she simply asked me – “in a year’s time, do you want to feel the same?” Of course, the answer was no. To this, she responded “well only you can change that”.

With this advice ringing in my ears, I returned home and told my partner it was over. He was, of course, shocked. And he hit out in every way he could to make my life hell – which, of course, completely vindicated my decision. The point is, I had every right to be happy.

Moreover, in fact, I really needed to find out who I was without the pressure of another full on relationship. I was so young and had been in two failed relationships. OMG, I hadn’t even experienced my first orgasm by then! How the hell was I supposed to have any idea of who I was and what I wanted from life.

And again, of course, I received the full judgement of society as it was then. I was looked down upon by people who judged me in total disregard of the facts – in complete ignorance of the physical and mental abuse I had been subjected to. I was again condemned as a promiscuous person (to use the politest of the terms used about me!)

So, why is promiscuity so looked down on. After all, as I have explained in an earlier article, it is so much a part of our DNA.
OMG, I can’t believe people still think they should wait until about the 3rd or 4th date before moving things to the bedroom. Can you imagine waiting for 4 dates and THEN finding out your date and you are not compatible in the bedroom. Seriously? What a waste of everyone’s time! My God, you could be still waiting and single at 90 waiting for Mr or Mrs Right! I am a very strong advocate of society accepting our desire for Mr (or Mrs) Right Now!

And, of course, despite what the various hypocritical churches preach to us – and notwithstanding what the even more hypocritical politicians prescribe for us – society isn’t like that at all.

One US university study of international promiscuity in 2008 – it measured one-night stands, attitudes to casual sex, and number of sexual partners – found that Finns have had the largest number of sexual partners in the world, with Britain bringing up the rear (if you’ll pardon the expression!).

Speaking of Britain – in 2014, a nationwide survey named Liverpool the most promiscuous city in the UK. For what it’s worth, I’m sure this has changed now that Bristol is ranked the number one UK city for single people! Yes, you guessed it, I’m a Bristol girl! Thank heavens – now I can go back to the UK and be socially accepted for being me!

Not that I ever gave a damn what people said about me anyway! Haha. Seriously, I’ve never given two hoots about what people thought of my life choices – especially as they were not living my life or paying my bills.

And they sure said things about me! I remember working as a consultant on the Jeremy Kyle show. On one occasion, I was giving advice about the real Adult industry and made clear my views that I was not against it; and I was explaining to a model how it really works. OMG, so many people left such dreadful comments about me on various websites. And all for just taking a stand on what my honest beliefs were.

The comments included very personal attacks. And yes, sure, they hurt. But only until I realised these people who were attacking me so viciously were sitting in their boring little living rooms, in their boring little houses, with nothing better to do in their boring little lives than watch TV and listen to my advice!

Speaking of which, one thing I do find funny – in the sense of strange rather than humorous – is the unequal treatment of women and men when it comes to promiscuity. Seriously, the double standard is breathtaking!

Just think about it for a moment. A promiscuous man is almost affectionately described as a “stud”, “player”, “womanizer”, “rake” etc … God, they are not just seen as socially acceptable. They are almost lionised and seen as heroes for their bedroom antics.

On the other hand, a woman who sleeps around is almost invariably described in very negative terms such as “slut”, “harlot”, “tart”, “whore” etc…

Let’s look at some facts.

Male promiscuity

A study of the number of sexual partners in an average man’s lifetime found 20% of heterosexual men had only one partner; 55% had between two to 20 partners; and 25% had more than 20 partners.
Another study found homosexual men were more likely to have significantly larger numbers of sexual partners.

Female promiscuity

The same study estimated that 45% to 55% of married heterosexual women had engaged in
sexual relationships outside their marriage.

Wow!

And yet so many of the people who criticised me as promiscuous simply for expressing my views on the Adult industry on TV were women. What a bunch of hypocrites!

Hey, I have absolutely no problem with people who prefer having one partner; nor do I have a problem with people who want to have sex only in a committed relationship – that’s fine – good for you. But please – I repeat, please – don’t try to shove your views down my and others’ throats (so to speak) as being some socially accepted norm – because the facts show that is simply not the case!

And, instead of using your limited energy to attack women like me who enjoy a healthy sex life, you may want to use it to engage with your partner – because it appears a lot of them are playing away these days. So and you might want to offer your man a little action and do it damned soon – if only to keep them on the porch (as Hillary Clinton might say!).
They need to do a survey on how much sex is practised after marriage and for how long. Now that would be illuminating!

Seriously, whatever your preference, make sure you choose the right date, and make sure he or she is the real deal before wasting your time hanging around too long without sex. Sex is good for us. Trust me. It has been great for me – and it still is.

Oh, and a final word – as they say – “the best thing about being single is that you can sleep around – God, you can sleep all over the bed – left, right, middle, wherever!” (Anon).

Cook and Hook

“[She felt] pure deepening whirlpools of sensations swirling through her tissue and consciousness, til she was one prefect concentric fluid feeling.” Lady Chatterley’s Lover.
Ok, ok – maybe it’s just me. But when I read those words from D. H. Lawrence’s masterpiece, I just couldn’t for the life of me stop thinking about chocolate!! I just couldn’t rid myself of those flowing, swirly, brown and white images you see on cooking shows with Nigella or Jamie or any one of the other master/mistress chefs sensuously caressing a mixture of cacao, warm milk and butter to create a triple layered chocolate whatever masterpiece.

How the hell was I to know Lawrence was describing an orgasm – after all, I didn’t have one ’til I was 24 – and I ain’t talking about chocolates!!

Which brings me conveniently to two of my fave topics – food and sex.

We’ve all heard it said that – “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Well, you won’t be surprised to learn I have a couple of strongly held views on that saying.

First, it may be a way to his heart – but I’m damned sure I know a few faster routes that will have him begging for more of you!

Second, this is the 21st century. It has been decades since the kitchen was the exclusive domain of we girls. Just take a look at any list of top chefs and you’ll see men have well and truly made their mark in the culinary arts.

Having said that, and putting aside the gender bias issue for now, the point I want to make is that in terms of opportunity to show your wares as a potential partner, the kitchen is to the 21st century, what the gym was to the 20th!

Trust me, there is a lot to be said for preparing a meal for your date. Quite apart from avoiding the expense of dining out, and the hassle of deciding where to eat etc..; and not to mention the benefits of proximity to the bedroom; the fact is there are few better ways to impress your date than to cook for them.

Hey, let’s start with the basics – when Adam and Eve first wandered into the garden, it is
undeniable they were thinking about only two things – food and sex. Unfortunately, as the story goes, Eve was more hungry than horny; ate the forbidden fruit; and, as a consequence, she and Adam and the rest of us were, so we are told, cast to eternal damnation – or something like that. All because of one poor choice made on a date in an apple orchard, for God’s sake!

The point is that food and sex have been close bed fellows since time began. Just think in evolutionary terms – the guy who could catch and provide the most or best food around the camp fire in the cave was much more likely to be seen by the girls as the alpha-male and therefore get the gravy – so to speak – and the chance to ensure his genes stayed in the pool.

Take it from me, and I’ve been on more dates in search of Mr. Right than I’ve had hot dinners. And trust me, I have experienced the whole gamut of dinners – from wonderful three starred Michelin restaurants, to ‘The Ivy’ in LA and ‘Mr.Chows’ and so on; right down to a rest-a while cafe!

Yes, you heard me right – one of my dates actually took me to a greasy spoon cafe.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a restaurant snob – not by any means. I am quite happy to have a chat with the best of them over a bacon butty in a rest-a-while cafe – but maybe on the 20th date, not the first! Honestly, what was he thinking?! And can you imagine what he must have thought when he asked how I liked my eggs, and I replied “I’d prefer black pudding and a long black”? Of course, I could have used the old line about “preferring my eggs scrambled” – but as there was no way this date was going to a second round, why plant the seed?

Yes, I’ve been dated and plated at the best and not-so-best of establishments. And to tell you the absolute truth, if a man offers to cook for me, I jump at the chance. And if he proves his culinary skills, he could well move from cook-up to hook-up.

As it happens, one of my all time favourite partners loved cooking for me. On reflection, that was one reason he made my all time favourite list. Anyway, he once quoted the US civil rights activist, Cesar Chavez, who said – “If you really want to make a friend, go to someone’s house to eat … the people who give you their food will give you their heart.

Now, I have a confession to make. Having extolled the virtues of a cook to hook, I must admit that I cannot cook to save my life. Just ask my aforementioned all time fave partner!

In fact, my first attempt was at the ripe old age of 19. I offered to cook for my then partner, who wanted steak, garlic butter and the trimmings. “How hard can it be” I asked myself?! So, off I went to the butcher and the grocer, and set about preparing the meal. That’s when I had my first stumble – at what temperature should I cook a steak, and for how long? I had no idea. None. Naturally, I did what any self-respecting girl would do in these circumstances – I called my Mum for help!

Mum’s advice was to brown the steak in a pan on a high(ish) heat for a minute each side and then pop it in a pre-heated 180 degree celsius oven for 4 minutes for rare, 6 for medium and 8 for well done, and then remove and rest it covered for 5 minutes before serving.

Unfortunately, and not for the first or last time, I ignored Mum’s sound advice and put the steak in a hot oven for 30 minutes. By then, it was practically on fire, as heavy and hard as a rock, and completely inedible!

Unsurprisingly, the dinner turned out as disastrously as my relationship. And I have been pretty much a no-kitchen-kinda-girl ever since – except for the odd sideline in chilli con carne.

Fortunately, so I’m told by friends who cook for me, these days the well trodden culinary path to your partner’s heart is a much easier route. Any number of chefs provide on-line recipes and detailed instructions on how to prepare all sorts of meals – ranging from simple coq au vin to slow cooked lamb shoulder or linguine alla vongole.

Oh, whilst I’m at it – my cooking friends asked me to give a huge plug to Jamie Oliver for his incredible generosity in providing his recipes on-line. The instructions are amazingly easy to find and follow – and they’re virtually fool-proof. He doesn’t need to do it. He does it because he just loves encouraging people to cook, especially if they use local and seasonal produce. All credit to you Jamie.

But hey, let’s get back to cook and hook – apron first, seduction later – Yeah, I admit it, Jamie’s lush.

Here are my tips – from the perspective of a girl being cooked and hooked, I hasten to add.
First, show your partner you are a progressive. Set aside traditional thinking about food and how it’s prepared, served and eaten. For example, think about an imaginative dinner setting – perhaps prepare a plate to share, and sit beside one another on cushions on the floor beside a low table – just think, then it’s only a roll away from the rug in front of the fire!

Set some low mood lighting and candles, and turn on some music you know she likes.

When she arrives, welcome her with a smile and kiss her softly on the cheek (or lingeringly on the lips if this is a subsequent date). Take her coat and bag and invite her to sit and relax.

It’s best to arrange things so she can sit near you as you work – maybe on a kitchen bench chair rather than on the other side of the room. Connection and proximity are so important.

Offer her a drink – you can never go wrong with champagne – unless they don’t drink alcohol or they are driving, of course, in which case make sure you have some interesting alcohol-free options such as high quality sparkling fruit drink etc…

Trust me, your date will be very impressed as you cook and wait on them. It’s a fantastic time to have a casual conversation also – very intimate and engaging as they watch you work.

If they offer to help, politely decline the offer and say that tonight is about them, and that they should relax and enjoy it.

Second, be sure you know what they like to eat – or can eat in this age of allergies! Preparing a beautiful meal of foods your date adores is a sure way to her heart. It’s also a sure way to say you’re a great listener and have taken on board their dietary needs and food preferences. There is nothing better than a good listener. Being a pretty cool chef is a bonus.

On the topic of food choices, remember to include some of those libido-raising foods I talked about in my article on aphrodisiacs. Chocolate is always a sure bet – after all, as Comedian Jo Brand quips – “Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate.
As you prepare the meal, consider teasing your partner by asking them to taste morsels off the spoon to see if they taste ok. That way, you are sharing the sensuousness of the experience of dealing with food and inviting your partner to work with you as a team.

In this context, remember also that many foods are not only aphrodisiacs – they are also incredibly suggestive and a great teaser – almost foreplay – think asparagus, cucumber, mangoes etc… all brimming over with sexual innuendo.

Better still, if this is a 2nd or subsequent date, consider inviting them to join you in buying the produce. There are many fresh food farmers markets around, and it is a very bonding and sensual experience to walk through them collecting what you need, maybe holding hands. And the smell of the fresh produce is second to none in turning on the senses.

Inviting a date to your place for dinner is a subtle and non-threatening way of asking them to your place, and of saying you are really interested in them. However, it’s also true that some women may think a man would only invite them to their place for sex. There are some ways to allay this concern. For example, perhaps ask your date when you invite her whether she would like you to also invite someone else along – perhaps another couple. That way, she has the opportunity to say yes if she is concerned. Alternatively, if she responds she would prefer it to be just the two of you – your chances of sex just went through the roof!!

Either way, the conversation helps build trust and shows your date that you are happy to invite them to your home as you wish to get to know them better and do not just see them as a casual fling.

Dining at home makes for a more quiet and intimate experience than a crowded restaurant. It is much more personal. This, in turn, creates the opportunity to really find out whether you are compatible. It also avoids awkward silences as you always have tasks to do when preparing, serving or clearing up after meals.

Preparation is very important – never leave anything to the last-minute. Give yourself plenty of time in case something goes wrong – like forgetting a critical ingredient.

Cook in advance if possible – for example, half boil potatoes or use a slow cooker. This helps you remain relaxed. It also takes the leg-work out so that when your date arrives you can spend time chatting while dinner is cooking.

Don’t try to over-impress. Keep the menu simple. Remember, the objectives are cook and hook, not burn and learn!

Don’t be over-generous with portions. It’s better to play with caution and serve up modest quantities.

Set the table in advance, add scented candles and flowers.

Wash up as you go, so there is no mess left behind. It always impresses if you can show the ability to multi-task.

Oh, and if all else fails, here are my final tips that really tap into my two fave topics of food and sex.

First, there’s always take-away. Demonstrating your culinary skills is not the only play – seduction is waiting on the bench. If sharing food is the ultimate foreplay – “There is no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.” (Kevin James).

Second, don’t forget to include some really sensuous appetisers – oysters are always good – and it’s a fantastic way to size up your date’s “shucking, sucking and swallowing” skills – speaking of which, let’s move on to seduction – oh, time’s up!

Behind the scenes of a sex party

 

Trust me, I’ve been to a lot of sex parties, and they are no place for the faint of heart. For starters, you will be invited to have sex with people you don’t know.

53a0e3181d6a3_-_cos-01-jlo-orgy-deWhich reminds me of the words of Laura Kightlinger to the effect that she “had a rule at these events, and that was to never look at somebody’s face while having sex; because, number one, what if she knew the guy”!

Sex parties are becoming increasingly fashionable these days. You only have to google “sex party” and you’re almost certain to find one in your area.

Adult Works provides detailed information about where sex parties are held, what type of people attend, and what are the rules.

Fever and Killing Kittens has brought the sex party to the mainstream media. This has in turn made them far more socially acceptable. They really are VIP events these days. They are usually held in plush surroundings such as beautiful English country manor houses; they are attended by the hoi-polloi; and they feature the very best champagne and canapes to set people up before the action begins.

I have attended many very high-end sex parties all over the world.

My first was in Los Angeles in the early 2000s and was called “After Midnight”. Guests were invited after applying on-line. Everyone was aged over 18. We had to leave our cars in a private car park, where a limousine would ferry us to a secret location where the party was to be held.la-after-midnight-01-web,xlarge.1416224907

At the time I was working as an adult performer with some of the top names in the business. They had encouraged me to join the party and had assured me I would be fine. Nevertheless, I was very nervous, and really had no idea what to expect. All I was told was the dress code – cocktail dress and heels, with no exceptions.

I was overwhelmed by the limo; let alone by the massive house and property in the Hollywood hills where the party was held. The $150 entry fee was well worth the price.

I remained nervous throughout most of the night, and I abstained from participating. However, I had an absolute blast in my new-found role as an observer – especially as the party list included some of the most attractive men and women I had ever seen, dressed sumptuously in glamorous cocktail dresses and tuxedos whilst sipping champagne. I recall being somewhat surprised there were no masks being worn, as I had imagined after watching the movie Eyes Wide Shut.

After about an hour of socialising, a bell rang and there was immediate silence. Our host took centre stage to welcome everyone and explain the rules of the evening, including – condoms are provided in every room; don’t touch anyone without being invited; which sections of the house can be used; and what each section caters for – fetish, lesbian, gay or straight etc… couples only.

It was clear the rules would be very strictly enforced. It was also clear that the party was very professionally managed – there were cleaners working continuously throughout the night, and health and hygiene were clearly top priorities.

Finally, our host declared the sex party open.

Almost immediately, guests started to partner up and move to their preferred section of the house.

Each room was furnished decadently with insanely massive beds, silk sheets, fresh flowers and candles; all of which was accentuated by dim lighting.

At this point I decided to explore. In the first room I visited there were 3 couples entangled on a bed. They were all naked and had perfect bodies. They were all kissing passionately – which I found surprising for some reason. I was impressed by the fact that everyone appeared to be comfortable and at ease with what they were doing.

138In the next room there was a massive double bed made of solid iron, to which were attached handcuffs and chains. Whips, riding crops and eye masks hung from the wall. In the corner was a “sex horse” – which is like an old school gym vault – that is used to bend someone over and spank or cane them. This bondage room was occupied by a man wearing a mask and who was chained to the wall. Attached to his penis was a suction device being operated by a woman who was also insulting him. I stood and watched amazed until I saw the device enlarging his penis, which also had a ball baring inserted in it – at that, I could not watch any further.

Other rooms were filled with a couple of women and a large number of men. The women were being encouraged by their partners to take each of the men. I was surprised to see women encouraging their partners to participate.

I wondered around the various sections of the house and was intrigued by what I saw. I had to work the next day, so I only stayed for a few hours before the limousine took me back to my car.

The next day, I reflected on what I had seen. I’m not shy of sex, as you know. And I realised I had not been shocked by the party. To the contrary, I had found this consensual expression of a diverse range of sexual adventure and tastes exciting and interesting in equal measure. I also realised the party was not at all seedy, as I had half expected. In fact, it was more glamorous than even the parties I had attended at the Playboy mansion. Most of the guests were aged between early 20s and late 50s. They were all in great shape. They were very polite. No-one appeared to be affected by alcohol or drugs. In fact, I realised I had enjoyed the experience and looked forward to the next one I could attend.
Since then, I have attended many sex parties in Amsterdam, Belgium, London and the US. You can read about my adventures at these and much more in my Biography to be published in the near future.

Surviving a blind date

tips-for-a-blind-date

I have been told by many friends that blind dates can be really, really good.

Danielle Esplin described the feeling perfectly when she wrote “There’s an undeniable thrill about meeting a stranger and spending a few hours together, indulging in each other’s lives. It’s that spurt of saying whatever you want and leaving it behind with someone who’ll never look at you and think of it again.”

However, the feelings I most recall from blind dates I’ve had are more along the lines of nerve-wracking, cringe worthy, intimidating … You get my drift! Yes, I’m much more in the camp of Josh Stern who brilliantly quipped that he “always splashes on cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear!”

Alleluia! Never again will I allow my friends to take over my love life!!

Having said that, I have heard of some terrific blind dates. Some people just love them, particularly when they go on a date with someone their friends consider their perfect match.

My very good friend Jay Kamiraz (aka Mr.Fabulous) is a dating advisor on the BBC Asian network. He also appeared on the UK version of Blind Dates. Jay is openly gay and really is fabulous. He says his blind date gave him a fuzzy feeling inside, and was very relaxing and FB_IMG_1458086475316open. Unfortunately, his date was just not right for him. But he added that he would not rule out blind dating in the future.

So, if you’re brave enough to take on a blind date – good on you. Here are some survival tips I’ve picked up from my experiences.

Tips on how to survive a Blind date

First, obviously, you will never have met your blind date – that would kind of defeat the purpose, I guess! So, you might want to do some preparation.

At the risk of coming across like a latter-day Glenn Close – you know, the bunny-boiler from the movie, Fatal Attraction – look on-line and see what you can find out about your date. Any of the usual tools will be fine – google, facebook, twitter feeds etc…. I must confess I do this with every date. Honesty is a really big deal for me in relationships and I want to know from day one that my potential partner is actually who and what he or my friends say he is.

But remember, anything on-line is history. So don’t judge your date harshly. Give him (or her) the benefit of any doubt.

Oh, and at least try to act surprised when they start telling you things you have already discovered through your “due diligence”!

It’s also a good idea to break the ice before you actual date. You’ll have their number in case you are delayed etc.., so why not make a call before hand and say hi; or even send them a flirty text… to spice things up a little. Who knows, you may actually like him or her.

Give some thought to what you are going to talk about. There is nothing worse – I repeat, nothing worse – than going on a date where one of you has to do all the talking whilst the other just sits there like a lemon.

Actually, there is one thing worse – that’s where just one of you dominates the conversation – you know, they just talk, and talk, and talk – on and on and on…

So, share the load and both initiate and contribute to the conversation.

It’s good to get your date talking about themselves. Try asking what interests they may have, or what is the most adventurous thing they have ever done…. that sort of thing. You don’t need to ask for their entire life story. But it is good to probe a few key topics, if only to keep the conversation flowing and avoid awkward silences.

Of course, this also helps you get to know whether they really are compatible with you.

And offer some of your story too. Let them know what you’re interested in, and what are the most exciting things you have done in your life.

stock-footage-bored-sad-young-couple-during-romantic-date-at-homeBut again, just as you don’t need or necessarily want to know his entire life story, he doesn’t need or want to hear your’s either. So keep the stories short – it’s a date, not a lecture, after all!

Oh, and don’t go into too much detail! Trust me, I have toned down my life experience stories on many dates, let alone a blind date!

Never just talk about yourself. Remember, we have 2 ears and one mouth. Use them – even if you’re bored.

Avoid constantly checking your phone. It’s just plain rude. And don’t put it on the table either. It can cause a negative, distracted vibe. In fact, it’s better to keep your phone in your bag or jacket and, if you’re comfortable, kept on silent.

If you do need to check your phone, do so when your date goes to the bathroom. Otherwise, explain why you have to check it – to touch base with the babysitter, for example – even if you are, in fact, texting that friend you’ve lined up to call with your bail-out excuse – another key strategy for surviving any date!

Try to mirror his or her body language. This establishes a connection and promotes a real sense of engagement. It also shows your date that you’re interested in them without having to say straight out that you like them.

It’s funny, I actually only recently became aware of how important for relationships little things like body-posture juxtaposition are. Another little but important thing is simple touching – like just putting a hand on his shoulder when you’re both in a lift, or placing your hand in the small of her back as she steps into a taxi…

Trust me, those sorts of little things go a long, long way in relationships. Seriously, one of my all time favourite partners was really into things like that. He’d always open car doors for me; and he would always – literally always – reach over to touch my hand when we jay-gatsbywere sitting opposite one another at a restaurant table. He’d also make sure we held hands when we walked. It was quite strange for me because I had never been one for demonstrative affection before I met him. Now, I love and just can’t get enough of it!

Similarly, try to use the same tone of voice and pace of conversation as they use. These things show that you are in sync with each other, and that you are genuinely interested in each other.

Oh, and it’s really important to make eye contact. Of course, don’t over do it. Otherwise, it can come across a little creepy; or, worse, mistakenly give them the “come to bed eyes”. Unless, of course, you really connect and want to have sex with them. In that case, eye contact is absolutely essential – both in the lead up to, and of course during, the bedroom action!

Oh, and whatever you do, try to remember their name. Yes I’ve forgotten some on a few dates I’ve been on – and even once or twice in the bedroom – now, that was embarrassing!