Around the World in 80 lays (or less!)


Nearly every country competes at the Olympic Games. And they all spend a bundle in pursuit of gold and national glory in a host of athletic events.

Why – oh why – is sex not an Olympic event?

Surely, every country would want to have bragging rights as the nation of most satisfying lovers.

Of course, the Americans would claim to be the best – as they do at everything. However, in this department they are well off the pace. And that’s notwithstanding heroic sexual performances by at least two of their Presidents: first, JFK for his antics with Marilyn Monroe – yes, “Happy Birthday (indeed) Mr President, Happy Birthday to you!“; and second, Bill Clinton and his revealing sexual and tobacco appetite with Monica Lewinsky. So, as they might say, a good effort by the US – but “no cigar!

As it happens, we Brits beat the Yanks hands down – even although we still do have a long way to go to catch up with the rest of the field in the sex stakes!

Seriously, I do think sex deserves to be an Olympic event. I just checked the criteria – it’s all set out in a document not-so-sexily-called “The Evaluation Criteria for inclusion of Sports and Disciplines at the Olympics” – catchy, huh?! Incidentally, the Criteria run to 8 Themes, 39 Criteria and 74 Items!

Of these, sex ticks the box on most criteria, notably amongst which are  – Gender Equity (tick) – Youth Appeal (double tick) – Spectator Interest (absolutely) – Digital Component (really?!) – Athletes Health (ticko); and, my favourite for obvious reasons, Television Appeal (treble tick!).

Now, I’m sure there have been plenty of attempts to organise a Sex Olympiad. Unfortunately, it just seems not to have taken off. So, being the girl I am, I thought I’d hold my own. Here are the rankings.

Unsurprisingly, countries with more socially liberal views would do best in the Sex Olympics. 

In an attempt to bring some transparency to this exercise, I thought I’d approach the task of selecting the best and worst performers on just two criteria – an independent survey, combined with my personal experience!

First, the independent stuff. The results of a survey of “nationality sexual satisfaction”
published by “Digital Durex” (Hmmmm – again?!) are startling. Apparently, the survey measured the following criteria of selected countries, namely – “Mutual love and respect between partners” – “Freedom from stress” – “Ability to orgasm” – “Freedom from sexual dysfunction” – “Good mental and physical health” – and “Frequency of sex and foreplay”. Wow, what a survey.

Second, my unabashed and completely prejudiced views which are based solely on my own experiences. Trust me, I have plenty of dating experience under my belt (so to speak). Seriously, I have dated and had relationships with more nationalities than you could probably name – hence the title “Around the world in 80 lays“! 

So here goes!

After sorting through their mountains of data, Digital Durex has come up with a list of the best 12 performing countries in terms of sexual satisfaction rankings. My thoughts are included below.

Switzerland: They have licensed brothels and progressive views on prostitution, a liberal stance on pornography, and sex education begins at kindergarten. So, Switzerland is certainly progressive in sexual terms. 

Moreover, a massive percentage responded to say their sex lives are excellent, with 32% admitting to having engaged in sexual activity outdoors. 

Yet, even with this, they have one of the world’s lowest teen birth rates – now that is really coolWell done guys. A creditable performance.

So, if you are looking for a partner who is not just good on skis but also between the sheets (or on a mountain side), you know where to head. 

I’ve never had sex with a Swiss as far as I can remember – but I think I’ll take up skiing!

Spain: The Spanish have been voted the “best male lovers”. Yeah, I know, it all sounds too much of a cliché – after all, just ask them!! 

A quarter of Spaniards rate their sexual performance as excellent, and a whopping 90% of Spanish men and women said they were sexually satisfied, and that sex got better over time in their relationships.

It could be down to all those nudist beaches, and the social acceptance of gay marriage.

But let’s not forget their great accents, and the wonderful craziness that is the annual  Running with the Bulls. I don’t know.

Personally, again, I don’t think I have dated or had sex with a Spaniard. But I must confess I’m not in a hurry, as they seem a little too much in love with themselves! “Lo siento chicos!(Sorry guys!)“.

 They were bound to make it to the top of the charts – again, just ask them and they’ll tell you what great lovers they are.

But seriously, the ambience of their food, their wine, their art, their language and so on. Seriously, it’s said seduction begins at the table – speaking of which, keep an eye out for my forthcoming writings – Cook and Hook

One survey of Italian women revealed they were extremely satisfied. However, a third responded they wished sex would last longer than the average 10 minutes. Haha – so much for the Italian Stallion. 

And I can vouch for that – I had an encounter with an Italian – it took 8 minutes, in fact!

Brazil: No  surprise to see the host of this year’s real Olympics near the top of the list. In fact, I’m surprised they didn’t finish higher. After all, they invented my favourite “hair cut”.

Brazilians were rated the world’s second best lovers behind the Spanish. It’s said 82% of Brazilians have sex at least once a week – wow! It’s also said they lose their virginity earlier than in any other country.

And yes, I have had a sexual encounter with a Brazilian. It was a little overwhelming to be honest – and not in a good way. They talked all the way through it – not to mention they all think they have the hand of god – like Diego Maradona!

Greece: It seems Greeks are very sexually satisfied because they are less uptight about discussing sex. 

I guess that’s not entirely surprising, as the Greeks have a long – very long – history of being able to talk expertly about anything – hey, just think Plato, Aristotle, Socrates – an impressive line up. 

And let’s not forget “Greek” – the term for anal sex – was coined here. Hard to imagine having anal sex and not saying anything, frankly!

However, according to the survey, although the Greeks are very open about sex, only 51% responded they were sexually satisfied.

Okay, yes, I confess – I’ve had anal sex – but not with a Greek!

The Netherlands: They are are known for being one of the World’s most sexually liberal countries – thanks largely to its famous red light district and open sex education policies – both of which I consider strongly the rest of the World should follow. 

And it seems they are quite a confident lot with 64% saying they are assertive in their sex lives.

Yes, yes and yes, I’ve had sex in Amsterdam, and been to the sex shows…. Who hasn’t?

Mexico: I have no idea how Mexico made it before the Brits – but I guess they’re kind of Spanish. But come on lads, you’re letting the side down now as you are seriously behind!

In fact, Mexico has been ranked one of the World’s horniest countries – and second as the most sexually satisfied.

It may have something to do with the fact that sex work is decriminalized and regulated in half the country’s states.

I admit to one count of drunken sexual behaviour under the influence of their national drink – Tequila! But it wasn’t with a Mexican.

India: Hey, I guess it’s no surprise that Indians are pretty good at the sex games. After all, they’re responsible for the Karma Sutra, and for Tantric Sex.

But did you know that Indians wait the longest of any nation to have sex for the first time, at an average age of 22! 

They are also ranked as one of the most sexually satisfied countries in the world. 

There are a couple of theories about why their performance is so high. One is that it’s because Indians prepare for a journey rather than the final destination – similarly, they take their time in the bedroom department. 

However, once they get to the sex part, it seems they don’t last very long with the average time span of 13 minutes for foreplay and sex! I suspect that means 12 minutes of foreplay and 1 minute of sex!

Yes I have dated an Indian man. 

Australia: Now, this is where I get in a little bit of trouble – particularly with my all time fave partner – but what can I say but – suck it up sweet-heart – literally!

Seriously, don’t ask me how the Aussies made to the top 100, let alone the top 10!

I suspect it’s because 75% admit to having outdoor sex. And I assume that includes vehicles because they have this quaint mating (aka virginity removal) ritual called “Drive-ins”. These are outdoor cinemas you drive into & watch the movie sitting in your car. My fave partner told he lost his cherry at one of these – cool. 

A high percentage (27%) of female Australians fantasize about having a threesome. 

And surveys reveal that Australians are the most promiscuous daters, with a high average of 25 sex partners!

Trust me, the ranking and these stats blow me away – quite literally. I have lived in Western Australia for 6 years and still do for half the year. In my opinion, Aussie men  prefer hanging with their mates and surfing (or any sport) to just about anything else. Seriously, it’s very hard to get a look in, and when you do, you will find they are selfish lovers…… maybe that’s only the 25% I tried – lol

Nigeria: According to Durex, Nigeria is rated number one in the world for sexual satisfaction. 

I suspect the main reason is they take the longest time having sex – average of 24 minutes. 

It may also be down to the fact that Nigerian women are ranked the most unfaithful in the world – a staggering 62% admit to being unfaithful!

No, I haven’t had sex with a Nigerian. But I imagine (seriously) that they would go the distance with me, and rumour has it they are exceptionally well endowed.

Germany: They are ranked the World’s worst lovers. Well, thank god for that – at least we Brits mange to beat someone at something. And what an irony it’s the Germans we beat again – how does the song go – “Two World Wars and One World Cup, do da, do da…

A respectable figure (for a loser) of 32% admit to having one night stands, and 30% admit to having sex in public.

I suppose there is an up-side to being sexually up-tight – that is, they are rated the World’s lowest for sexually transmitted diseases.

Oh well, if they’re not good at sex, at least they play safe. A bit like their football, isn’t it.

Not surprisingly, Germans rate themselves as the best lovers. But hey, they always take themselves so damned seriously, that’s hardly surprising, is it?! After all, take a look at this not-so-light quote from one of that nations finest (finest bastards, that is) – “So she thoroughly taught him that one cannot take pleasure without giving pleasure, and that every gesture, every caress, every touch, every glance, every last bit of the body has its secret, which brings happiness to the person who knows how to wake it. She taught him that after a celebration of love the lovers should not part without admiring each other, without being conquered or having conquered, so that neither is bleak or glutted or has the bad feeling of being used or misused. – Herman Hesse. I bet that little “bon mot” had the girls queuing in the aisles for a night out with Hermy!

As for me – no comment necessary.

China: This has to be a wild card as China is one of the most conservative and repressive societies in the World. However, behind closed doors they’re having more sex weekly than most other nations. 

78% percent of the population is getting in on the action at least once a week. 

Of course, the big increase in disposable income available to the growing middle class due to China’s economic explosion has helped – in the past 10 years, on-line sex shop purchases have boomed in China, and it has become the centre for sex toy manufacturing.

Yes, I dated a Chinese man – he was 63 and pretty wild – he lived in HK. He was a nice guy. Just not my type. And yes, they are a little smaller in that department.

So there you have it. 

I must say, I found the fact that France did so poorly a little surprising – but not nearly as surprising as they found it, I’m sure! I suspect, like so many things, the French just “over-cooked” it! Just take a look at Albert Camus’ contribution to the sex debate – “The only deep emotion I occasionally felt in these affairs was gratitude, when all was going well and I was left, not only peace, but freedom to come and go — never kinder and gayer with one woman than when I had just left another’s bed, as if I extended to all others the debt I had just contracted toward one of them.” What the f*** does that mean?!

Hopefully , Britain will maintain the movement to promote sexual activity for all sorts of
good reasons, not least so we can climb the Sex Olympics rankings next time. The fact the British are ranked the second worst lovers in the World is a national disgrace. 

Oh, and special mention to the Welsh, who came in 7th worst and are described as too selfish; and to the Scots, who came in 8th and too loud! Presumably the English were still in the Pub, and the Irish were just too pissed to care. xxx All in fun, of course!

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