The PA raw report

 

A PA’s LEMONADE

This week, Lianne’s on holiday with her family. I’ve had some time to reflect on the past 7 years since I moved from Germany and started working for Lianne in the UK. I’m sure it has everything to do with her returning to my life recently. There are several FB memories from 7 years ago that include Lianne, and then there were approximately 4 years where she and I weren’t connected at all. During that time she suffered major, life threatening surgies and I divorced and then subsequently, fell in love. That relationship ended up being soul threatening, as well. Professionally, I’m comfortable in a supportive role, but personally, I need some sort of equality and that’s where I was self-distructing. Exactly the way Lianne was being when I left her in the fall of 2009.  But as I previously stated, she’s come along way.

It’s the crazy times during that summer that I remember most. The emotional ups and downs and making, ‘lemonade out of lemons’ are what is engrained in my mind. Lianne’s fitness show had just launched and the future was bright. But then one day, she told me that she was going on holiday to Spain with her fiancé, his kids and his parents, as well as, her son and his mate.  I would have some time to focus on press releases, and other work, alone. I couldn’t wait to have a moment to just work and focus on me for a couple of days. That did not happen.  We are talking about Lianne, here. She called me the second day of the trip to tell me she had looked through her fiance’s phone and discovered he was very active in the online dating scene, claiming single. If you know Lianne, you know she went nuclear. The first thing she did was call me for help. I was sent an e-ticket and told an Aston Martin and her driver/body guard had been ordered to pick me up for the airport in 6 hours.

I was at first annoyed then instantly embrassed the situation for what it was. I was going to be flown to Spain to spend a week in a private villa right near the beach and support my friend. I instantly thought, “how is any of this bad?” So off I went. Lianne was in a state to say the least. She took her son and his mate and sorted out a private villa before I arrived. Once there, I constantly did and said stupid ‘American’ stuff which is how Lianne learned to embrasse the trip for what it was; a week in Spain with people who loved her. The only down side to the Spain trip was her ass licking driver had to be there with us. He needed more nurturing than Lianne and he was just the fucking driver! Lianne did fire him after that trip, thank God. We returned home to more madness, which included; locking the ex-fiance out of the house and of course, firing that retarded ass licker of a driver.  The emotional chaos ensued. I eventually left Twickenham for whatever reason and Lianne took work in Austrailia.

She and I came full circle in June of this year when she found herself in Thailand, without professional support. She called me. I was grateful to say the least. And considering my recent emotional ups and downs, I was proud of myself that I instantly reacted with a confident yes. I didn’t know if going to Thailand was best for me or her, what I knew is, it just felt right to go. And that is a trip I’ll never, ever forget. The assisting with certain writing and PR work was one thing, but to observe a ‘Ping Pong’ show and commentate on it, was another. I thought, “Lianne, you’ve really lost the plot now.!”

The show was odd at best and will haunt my dreams for a long time to come. I’m truly grateful for ‘Temple day’, playing with baby tigers and the peacefulness they brought on after such a culture shock of lady boys and ping pongs.  But the response from the Bangkok project has been overwhelmingly positive. I’m grateful to her demands at times, they are what I need without at first realizing. She and the entire trip was very enlightening in many ways and I look forward to making more ‘lemonade’ in the future.

Safe travels 

As I made clear in my earlier article titled ‘Politics of Fear’, the world has definitely changed since I was a kid running around the streets of Bristol. WTF, it has changed in just the last few weeks! 

The use of a motor vehicle as a means of unleashing terror in Nice a week or so ago has well and truly shifted the goal posts in the game of hide and seek with terrorists. The murdering of a priest too, it has no limits.

Hell, it was difficult enough to assess the risk of an attack before. But at least there used to be tell tail signs the authorities could latch onto like the money & equipment & recruitment trails that preceded an old fashioned terror bomb attack.

Hell, not any more. Now, it seems, all they do is throw some nutter the keys to a truck, tell him he’ll be ‘a martyr and one of the gang’ (as distinct from the lonely loser he has always been), and that he’ll have his pick of virgins in the after life, if he takes it for a spin down a crowded promenade! 

I must admit, I find the attraction to virgins in the after life thing is a bit curious. Hey, I’ve heard of the odd dud lay but a a dead lay? Mind you, on second thought, each to his own. And it has been said by others that I did have sex in a cemetery once … so each to their own …

Anyway, my point is that what happened in Nice can happen anywhere and anytime.

So, as we all jet, sail, drive, bus, walk or whatever away on our summer hols, as the fabulously well informed and insightful Contributing Editor for Military Affairs on the Australian Newspaper, David Kilcullen, reminds us – unfortunately, whilst the responses to these new and far broader threats evolve, it’s necessary  for us to consider some basic precautions.

Here is a summary of his suggestions from his recent article that I found thought provoking.

Avoid large public gatherings if you can, particularly crowded venues with limited exit points. And avoid crowded times in airports, shopping malls and train stations, if you can.

If you can’t avoid these, always try to identify where any alternative exit routes are located.

Try to keep an eye out for “hard cover” – ie. solid, immovable objects that can deflect a bomb blast, a bullet or a truck etc… and away from large panes of glass. A lot of the loss of life comes from the follow up explosions rather than the initial assault. Hard cover can save you from that second blast.

Be aware not only of what may happen in the initial assault but also how the crowd will react. People have been crushed in attacks as the crowd rushed the exits at once. So think about where the crowd might move, and how to avoid the stampede as it moves away from the point of the first assault.

Carry a basic first aid kit and a small torch. At the risk of sounding like a train spotter, a headlamp is best as it enables you to work with two hands to free yourself or help others in the debris of an explosion.

If you are not in the immediate vicinity of, and therefore not at risk of harm by the initial assault, stay quiet and low, and make your non-combatant status as obvious as possible to police and security forces. There should be little doubt the security forces have ben directed to shoot first to eliminate the threat, even if this involves taking out a few innocents as collateral damage rather than allow a massive loss of life. So staying low is probably the most important thing, as arms fire will most likely be within a range of hip to head height.

Stay off your mobile phone unless absolutely necessary. Emergency services need to co-ordinate response and rescue efforts. Furthermore, terrorists have been known to use Twitter, text messages and other social media to find people hiding during attacks.

Beyond these direct precautions, there are also some great initiatives worth considering.

Some we might call ‘community led resilience’, such as “Cure Violence, are worthwhile supporting.

Also, given the apparent number of mentally disturbed, isolated and disaffected people who are used in these attacks, think about lobbying your local Parliamentary Member to support funding of mental health and social integration programs. 

And don’t forget, we can also take one very positive and defiant step. We can stand together as neighbours, friends and even strangers in the face of these extremist threats and say – no, we will not bend. We will not allow ourselves to be terrorised. We are strong. Remember, as JFK said all those years ago – “What unites us is far greater than what divides us.”

Oh, and have a great holiday

The emotional eater

TOXIC, MINDFUL FOOD

Food is so important. It carries with it not just nutrients we need to live and thrive; it feeds the soul and our emotions also. Hell, as Paul Simon of Simon & Garfunkel fame has observed – food can be inspirational. He said: “I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called ‘Mother and Child Reunion’. Turned out it was chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one!
But even good food can sometimes be dangerous. It’s not always obvious but how you feel and how you eat can reveal a lot about a person. This raises the issue of the emotional eater.

Just think, how often food goes into our mouths when we have felt emotion – when we’re  hungry, angry, frustrated, upset, excited – you get my drift. Nearly every time we feel emotion, we eat. I can recall many times I have eaten even when I’m not hungry, just because I was stressed or whatever!

So it has occurred to me that if we eat not simply to fuel our bodies but also to fuel or respond to our emotions and thoughts, that might be a problem in this age where food is so easily accessible 24 hours a day. I am concerned that our relationship with food has become an obsession of the mind. And it is much harder to control the mind than the body. 

If that’s the case, then it is even more important that we eat healthily. 

How are we supposed to eat well, when nearly every commercial is about fast food – in summer the ads are all about ice-cream and soft drinks; in winter they’re all about chocolate! Our brains are being overrun by images of foods on the screen or plastered over magazine covers.
And that’s not good for the body or the mind. It’s summer now, and at the same time as advertising ice creams, the media is telling us we have a bikini body ready in 4 weeks….. How the hell are we going to do this??? No chance. May as well abstain from glancing at any media and stay hidden inside, avoiding any sunshine and anyone who might have started earlier, eaten healthily and exercised to achieve the body you dream of!

Because that’s what it’s about. There is no quick fix. It’s about a longer term approach to a healthy mind, a healthy diet, a healthy lifestyle of exercise, and a healthy outlook on life and sex and relationships

Speaking of which, in a relationship with a partner it’s easy to remove their number and eliminate them from fast dial. But we can’t do this with food! We have become slaves to emotional eating and it’s not good! In fact, it’s bloody annoying! It’s even dangerous.

One wag to address emotional eating is to put in perspective why you are eating. Are you really hungry, our are you just eating because you are sad, happy, stressed, horny, whatever? Think about what is your emotional fixation with food. If your life is stressful it is most likely your diet will be stressed also.

Let’s look into the connection between emotions and food a little closer.
Skinny = healthy: Almost all of us judge ourselves harshly. Seriously, we are like food terrorists! Just because you think a full fat cafe latte is bad for you, swapping to a skinny is not going to make much of a difference. Beating yourself up is just going to lead you to replace it with something else. The key is moderation, and stopping beating yourself up and adding to the pressure. Going to war with your body over a few calories will not change your figure. Stop beating yourself up!

Breaking a habit: Weight loss is not going to fast track you to happiness. It needs groundwork – a longer term approach. For it to thrive, just like your relationships, you need to give it attention – you need to nurture it. Be warned this will involve work – both discipline and exercise. Just remember that if your aim of losing weight is to feel better, you may be disappointed. Weight loss does not get rid of emotional baggage. You need to identify and address the reasons for your unhappiness as well as your diet.

Be kind to your body: This may seem a no brainer but many people seem confused by this. Kindness, not hatred, is the answer to combating emotional eating habits. Don’t try to force yourself to be thin. If you force it, you are setting yourself up for emotional turmoil and, u;timely, failure. It will only make an emotional eating habit harder to be rid of – a vicious circle.

Numbing emotions:  I’m sure we can all remember when we watched a tear jerker movie, and headed to the chocolate biscuit tin or for glass of wine for comfort. Food is a part of your thought patterns – there is an association between emotions and food. Your will power needs to step up. So does your planning. According to studies undertaken at Cornell University, emotions that relate to sadness make us eat more. The study surveyed people who watched sad films and images and then fed them different foods. The results indicated a close association between the body’s reaction to sad emotions and the desire to eat something fatty! No more tragic love films ladies.

By grabbing food to combat an emotion, we are doing little else than feeding a habit, and the habit needs to be broken. Food is only a middle man. So, whatever is causing you to over eat needs to be addressed. Just feeling bad about over eating will not address the overeating itself. In fact, feeling bad will fuel the desire to eat more.

Breaking the habit: Explore your emotions by asking yourself questions – like, what made you crave a particular food? If the answer is stress, then explore why are you stressed. And then, ask yourself what strategies you can adopt to address the stress. Maybe consider drinking a glass of water instead to see if this can realign the problem.

All food contains calories. It’s important to understand why we eat and re-programme our minds. eating itself is often not the problem. It is the symptom. We do not need a large dinner plate for meal times. We do not need 3 large meals per day. In fact, six small amounts are better. Our minds have been emotionally programmed that we are supposed to feel hungry at certain times of the day. Only eat when your hungry, and don’t eat until you’re full. Eat until you’re not hungry that’s all.

This will help you achieve the healthy diet you need. Then you can get back get back to thinking how you can improve your life by adopting a longer term approach to achieving the healthy mind, healthy lifestyle of exercise, and healthy outlook on life and sex and relationships you need to lead a satisfying life.

Say it as it is

 

FB_IMG_1458011156433Lianne, what are your thoughts on the apparent rise in the levels of skin cancer in the UK, which is somewhat surprising given the UK’s high latitude and limited sun? And who’s fault is it that there has been  a rise in skin cancer?  

 

Greetings from Portugal, where I am certainly wearing sun cream and covering up. I take it very seriously. The sun can cause severe skin damage, even from limited exposure. Unfortunately, unlike southern European countries, the UK does not have high levels of sunshine. Therefore, when the sun comes out in the UK, people tend to rush out to get as much as they can and develop a health glow. Of course, there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, there is plenty of evidence that it does us some good – specifically, people benefit from increased in-take of vitamin D in the sunshine. But, as with everything, it’s a case of moderation. As they say, too much of a good thing can …

I reside in Australia half the year. There, we are repeatedly reminded of the damage the sun can cause. And there is plenty of reason why. The statistics on melanoma in Australia are shocking – skin cancers account for around 80% of all newly diagnosed cancers; between 95 and 99% of skin cancers are caused by exposure to the sun; GPs have over 1 million patient consultations per year for skin cancer; and the incidence of skin cancer is one of the highest in the world, two to three times the rates in Canada, the US and the UK.

And we follow the advice, in particular, we are educated to “slop on a shirt, slap on a hat, and slop on some sunscreen” all of the time.

Melanomas are caused by UV (ultraviolet) rays. The rays can damage the DNA in skin cells. Sometimes this damage affects certain genes that control how skin cells grow and divide. If these genes no longer work properly, the affected cells may become cancer cells. Most UV rays come from sunlight, but some can come from man-made sources such as tanning beds.

Even though most moles never turn to melanoma, unfortunately some do. Usually it’s not clear exactly when the DNA damage from UV exposure occurs. Some of the damage may take place in the few years before the cancer appears. But much of it is from exposures that happened many years earlier. Some melanomas can also occur in parts of the body that are rarely exposed to sunlight. These melanomas often have different cell changes to those in melanomas that develop in sun-exposed areas. When melanomas run in families, changes (mutations) that greatly increase the risk of melanoma are often passed from one generation to the next.

Sunbeds and a history of sun burn can cause serious issues even years down the track. New figures produced by The British Association of Dermatologists suggest that 8 out of 10 people are worried about skin cancer. However, it seems people are not taking the advice seriously, over 72% having been sun burnt in the last year!

With more and more of us pale skinned Brits taking holidays in warmer climes, we need to take the matter more seriously.  Sun care needs to be covered in the academic curriculum. Certainly, I never received any education on sun care at school beyond the odd mention to  use sunscreen. Maybe like sex education – they assumed we knew what we were doing!

Plenty of information is available from the medical system but I sense that it and the media could do more to make the population aware of the risks involved and the strategies available to address them. 

Ultimately, however, people need to take on board the advice and responsibility for themselves. In this day and age, ignorance is absolutely no excuse.  

 

I don’t like my mother very much, because she’s kind of an ass.  Huh! Oddly enough, that’s exactly what my oldest daughter thinks of me. My youngest still loves me unconditionally. I like her, but what should I do?

 

This strikes a chord with me. I once never spoke to my  mother for eight years! At the time I felt it was justified. Now we get on really well.

You call you mother an “ass” but you have not said why. Therefore, I don’t have much to go on! I assume it’s some kind of personality clash. It may even be that you are both very similar in ways. If it is something more serious than it could be down to that.

Mothers and daughter have expectations of one another. Mothers want the sugar and spice and all things nice daughter, whilst the daughter wants freedom, a social life and independence. Of course, these two different mindsets are going to have issues from time to time

For instance,did your mother expect you to be different from who you are? Did you go against something she believed in, such as religion, men, drugs, career etc…?

As a daughter, did you expect your mum to be at home all the time to support you; or more grounded; or a non drinker etc? These types of issues often give rise to expectations, rejection and disappointment.

Unfortunately, you have to accept that not everyone gets on all of the time, especially family.

I always suggest talking about how you feel and why you feel the way you do in a calm way is best. This can be difficult but it’s worthwhile persevering. Try to find a good time to sit down or go for a walk together – don’t just spring the discussion on your mum when she’s in the middle of making dinner or on your daughter when she’s doing her homework. Tye timing and setting can be critical to a positive discussions and outcomes.

You need to be calm and assertive. You also  need to be willing to listen and not talk over one another.

It’s also very important to set your own limits of what you are willing and not willing to accept as a parent form your daughter, and vice versa, if things become tense. Sometimes it’s just as wise to take your own advice and walk away as the bigger person until the other cools down.

Time is a great healer. As a parent, just be there when she is ready. As a daughter, try to look for ways to keep the channels of communication open. Often, entrenched positions can become very hard t break down over time. Learn to give a little.

 

Have you gotten over the ‘ping-pong’ show yet; or are you still having vivid nightmares, like me? The tuk-tuk driver’s words in Pattaya, Thailand echo in my head like I’m on some kind of acid trip on Willy Wonka’s boat – “you wa see ping-pong girls?” Not a pretty image at all. Like all possible mishaps with the razor blades or needles being pulled out, they slice through me still. How are you holding up?

 

Hilarious! This is my lovely assistant, Tomera, I take it. I am holding up very well thank you!

Did the experience really damage you? Vivid nightmares? No way. I found the experience entertaining and eye-opening, albeit, yes, a little shocking at times. I have left it where we saw it – in Pattaya. I experienced a ping-pong show, and now I don’t have to go do it again. I must admit I found the razor blades were a little bit too much – so much so that I have treated myself to a new electric razor! I really don’t fancy any more razor cuts….

The “Willy Wonka” comment makes me smile. For some reason, it reminds me of the wonderful third gender “ladyboys” we got to meet and spend time with. I found that experience very touching and enlightening.

I am a true believer in seeing everyone as an equal.Therefore, the way they choose to live (if not harming others) and the ways they choose to make money and support their families, is fine by me.
By reflecting on this more positive experience, I have no echos going round in my head of the ping-pong women – except maybe that one performance of the James Blunt song “You’re beautiful”.

 

Every Tuesday, Lianne at ‘House of Ardent’  will be cover subjects she has been asked over her many years as a sex, relationships and life adviser and mentor. ‘Truthful Tuesdays’ is an opportunity to address any questions you may have about sex, relationships, drugs – anything to do with life, really!

Pussy Galore

lap-dancing-largeSurely, everyone knows that lap dancers and the clubs in which they operate are just after your cash. Really, does anyone out there really think otherwise? Yet the Sun last week published an article about how men are being conned by a London lap dancing club, ‘Spearmint Rhino’. Seriously, how can this be such a big story? It happens every day, and it has been for years. Lap dancing is one of the oldest tricks in the book of cons.

And lap dancing isn’t about to end any time soon just because a rag like the Sun publishes an article that questions the integrity of these sorts of establishments and its workers. Yeah, that’s right. The chances of lap dancing being stopped are about the same level of the IQ of the drunken idiots who get taken for a ride by these clubs and girls – very low indeed!

Having said that, unfortunately, it seems there are any number of men out there who have no idea how much of their hard-earned they will part with in a single encounter with a lap dancer – or, more accurately, they either just don’t care or are thinking with the wrong part of their anatomy – their dick, not their brain!! My advice is to get hold of the bank statement before the wife does! Especially if they end up with a £7,500 bill turning up on it like the poor bastard at Spearmint Rhino!

You may be surprised to learn that I wouldn’t have a problem with my partner visiting a lap dancer, but only if he’d told me about it first and invited me along. Seriously, I have no issue with it, provided it’s all honest and above-board. Having said that, if he was my man in the Spearmint Rhino case, I’d have killed him for spending so much money without me being a part of it!

But back to lap dancers. Seriously, this industry is renowned for targeting weak individuals who fall for the affection a half-naked women. Hey, we all know women have been using their bodies for centuries to get what they want. I don’t have a problem with that at all. Again, provided it is an open transaction between consenting, competent adults.

What makes this particular story interesting is that one punter has successfully sued Spearmint Rhino and achieved an out-of-court-settlement after alleging he was “taken advantage of during his drunken state”.

maxresdefaultAre you serious?! Let me get this straight! A guy gets pissed and horny in a lap dancing bar, has a session with one of the girls he went to see there in the first place, spends a load of dough on said girl, and THEN claims he was taken advantage of!!! Seriously! WTF! It looks like the UK is getting as bad as the US when it comes to ridiculous law suits being brought by idiots who cannot or will not take responsibility for the consequences of their own actions. In this case, we are now seeing that people can sue for their drunken behaviour. Where will it all end? I can see lots of claims such as for allowing one to buy porn over the internet, webcam bills, credit card charges for visiting an escort and so on.

In fact, that reminds me, a few years ago, the Speaker of the Australian House of Representatives actually charged his visits to escorts to his Parliamentary credit card account and then fought vigorously to justify them as legitimate expenses! I suspect he claimed the pressures of his work in Parliament led to him need some form of stress relief!! A classic case of not taking responsibility for one’s own actions.

Trying to claim damages from an establishment when you are drunk and thinking with your cock rather than your head is just as ridiculous. What a load of bullshit. This should never be allowed. Men know exactly what happens in these places and should take everything that follows after entering them at their own expense. If you can’t control yourself and don’t want to pay the piper, don’t go into a lap dancing bar!

In a previous life, I worked behind the scenes at the opening of the first lap dancing bar in Bristol, “Club Creame”. I helped with the PR, recruitment and management of the dancers. Even if I say so myself, I was brilliant at my job. I knew the laws. I knew the rules of lap dancing clubs. And I knew how to keep girls in line. I took on the role with all guns blazing. I just couldn’t wait until we opened; nor could the ladies who had auditioned from all over the country to be part of the new South West of England club.

On the opening night, I had everything sorted right down to the well-managed guest list and music tracks; not to mention the champagne sponsor who had kindly donated cases of the stuff for the evening. I was right in my element. The club opened bang on time, guests arrived on queue, and the red-roped-off VIP section looked fantastic. And, of course, the curtained-off area for the more intimate dances were all sorted.

In fact, everything was running smoothly up until I decided it was time that I could relax and share a champagne or twenty with some of my friends I had invited along. Once again, alcohol and me made for a poor mix. In no time I was hammered and decided I wanted to get naked. I wanted to be the centre of attention. Unfortunately for the girls, I was happy to do so for nothing. Needless to say the owner of the club was not impressed and fired me that night!

My next experience of lap dancing was more positive. I stayed clear of the drink and focussed on making money. I was never suited to lap dancing. I was definitely more of an action girl. I could act on camera doing the adult movies. However, lap dancing left me sexually frustrated. The rule about not touching was there to protect the punter from me, not the other way around!  My opening line to punters was always – “do you want a £1o dance or a £20  dance? When asked what was better (told you men were stupid in lap dancing clubs), I responded the £20 pound one, of course, in so many ways. The £10 pound dance got you 3 minutes of one track song with me dancing about 2 ft away and not really covering too much; whilst the £20 dance had me dancing over you and talking filth in your ear while doing so – a guaranteed erection pleaser! Men just couldn’t resist a woman dancing on them and talking dirty filth at the same time. I made a packet! When the other girls complained that punters only wanted lap dances from me, he took it upon himself to find out why. Afterwards, he simply shook my hand and said well done, “that’s the best dance I have ever had”. That’s how easy it is to make money from lap dancing. Although I only danced for a couple of weeks as I was more an action kind of woman as mentioned above. I found teasing someone else far too frustrating!

I have also been on the receiving end of a lap dance! Personally, I love lap dancing clubs. I think they are great entertainment. I haven’t asked him, but I suspect my present partner hasn’t even been to one. So, I can feel the naughty Lianne may need to come out soon and drag him along for some excitement. Although I’d better check with him first – maybe he has more experience than I sometimes give him credit for. I must admit, sometimes he does very pleasantly surprise me!!!!  In any event, I will certainly treat him better than a previous companion treated me in this context.

Tao-Las-Vegas-Vip-Passes-and-packages-girl-on-girl-lap-dance-500On that occasion, I was shattered after a flight from London to New York to meet someone who owned a school for “squirting” – yes, I mean the vaginal kind! I was there to learn how it worked. I had tried many times in porn movies but had never achieved it. My companion had been trying for ages to convince me that I could do it. On this visit, he was right, it worked! He had also told me he had to fly back to California the next day….so I was to be left alone in New York for a few days…. bastard…

I was over the moon he had finally taught me the technique that had eluded me for so long, and I was in a mood to celebrate. His leaving me on my own was rather disappointing. So, the night before he left, I told him I wanted to go out that evening. He adored women and suggested a lap dancing club. Hell yeah, I was game. I was also happy to help girls make money from him since he used to boast about how much he made.

In the club, I made it clear to a couple of girls that I was happy for them to touch me. Of course, I knew I touching them was out the question. I told them the guy I was with was happy to spend as much money as they wanted to charge him. They suggested we take a private room. Of course, I agreed. The room with two girls cost $2,000. Of course, they also ordered fine champagne by the bottle at a further cost of $10,000. In the course of dancing, they would ‘accidentally’ get their knickers wet from spilled champagne, and that added $100 a time. I’m sure they had around 5 pairs each, so that totalled another  $800 to the bill. And, of course, continuous dances for the pair of us for 2 hours added another $3000. I think the whole bill came to around $16,000! He had to pay it, of course. And it served him right for saying he wanted to go to a lap dancing bar and entertain me no matter what the cost! Leaving me alone in New York cost him dearly.

My point is, everyone knows the rules about lap dancing bars. They are about the girls and the establishment making money. And they will use every means possible. So if you do visit a lap dancing bar, don’t complain afterwards about the cost! Seriously, it’s like Brexit all over again – you know, asking the country to vote at a referendum whether or not to stay in the EU, and then asking them to vote again when you don’t get the answer you want! Seriously guys, toughen the fuck up, accept the situation, have a drink and get over it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The PA weekly report from Tee!

Having been Lianne Young’s PA, both past and present, there is not much I don’t know about this lady.

Seven years ago,  Lianne left behind the cloudy skies of the UK  and headed for the sunny climes and golden shores of Western Australia to pursue more business opportunities. I knew our lives would take different paths for a time.

Out of the blue, she called me in the first week of June to report she had established her own business and brand, known as “House of Ardent”. It was doing well and she had great plans for it. If there is one thing I have learned working alongside Lianne, it is that if she has a plan, she makes it work!

It was not long before I was proved right. She said she would be in Thailand at the end of June to film and blog about the underground (and not so underground) sex industry in that fascinating country, and the weird and wacky lives of some people living there (ex-pat Simon Cripps included..)

Lianne was very excited about her plans for House of Ardent. In particular, she wanted to use it as a vehicle to ensure people understand the difference between fantasy and  fiction, particularly in the areas of sex and relationships. And overall, she wanted to use it as a platform to educate and inspire people in her areas of expertise, particularly the young.

In that context, she also wanted to promote someone else and help them develop their skill, whilst she pursued House of Ardent’s primary objectives. A bit like work experience. Unfortunately, Lianne has not always been protective of who she is and has allowed herself to be exposed to unfair criticism. She has also allowed her kind nature to be exploited.

A very good example was her early decision to offer the above opportunity to a gay guy whose ego was far beyond his ability. As it happens, this guy was so unprofessional, emotionally immature or exploitative (I’m not are which – maybe all three!) that he pulled out of the project at the last minute, after all his costs of the trip had been committed and were unrecoverable. He tried to excuse his lack of professionalism by saying that his dog had died and he would be grieving for 2 weeks. Co-icidentally, he managed to put on a brave face to appear on Big Brothers Bit on the Side, during which he was hoopin’ and hollerin’ like some kind of crack-head winning the lottery. I was disgusted to watch that idiot get so caught out. I was even more disgusted it was the same guy Lianne had seen fit to trust.

Ok. Sure. Sometimes, she makes some expedient decisions that come back to bite her. Maybe sometimes she doesn’t think things through as well as she should – because apparently, that’s my job! Seriously, I have no idea what she was thinking when she hooked up with that stereo-typical, over-flamboyant gay guy who didn’t care who he lied to, or who he damaged in the process to get what he wanted. What an exploitative and insincere jerk.

Anyway, one dick’s loss is this babe’s gain. I was pleasantly surprised to receive a call from Lianne a week later asking if I could join her in Thailand to assist her with the project. Hey, Lianne certainly didn’t have to ask me twice. I was on it and on my way to Thailand in a flash. Real friends and supporters do that.

Watching her at work in overdrive is one of the funniest and most admirable things I have seen. Her work ethic is amazing. Of course, we all know that Lianne needs to be the one in the spot light – the centre of attention – stars are like that! But hey, that’s part of the package.

I recalled my time with Lianne in Twickenham years ago. And how out of the spotlight I was happy to be. I feel I am good at promoting others; I’m good at the behind the scenes support. But Lianne is not one to let anyone around her take a back seat for long. No armchair ride for me. She pushed the boundaries of any normal PA by sending me on crazy errands. Some of these were hysterical. Some were just scary. Like when she asked me to help her lock out her then boyfriend; deal with the crazy-assed dudes she would attract; collect valium scripts on her behalf; and run interference against some of her nut-job fans. If one guy wasn’t milking her bank account, one was stealing her soul.

Well now it’s different. She is so focused on her and House of Ardent’s goals. She has become a completely different person – so professional, but this time for her and her team at House of Ardent’s account. She is fitter, happier, healthier and more confident than I’ve ever known her. She’s not running around trying to score anything except a happy contented life with a balance of work, friends and family. I am looking out for her now. None of that previous crap will happen on my watch. Of course, Lianne will always be Lianne. She is so driven, she forgets she’s human sometimes. And I’m here to remind her. I’m here to support her all the way.

My first order of business was to give her the stats for her website and Facebook page. Little did I know she had stopped smoking cold turkey and was on patches. Nor did I realise she was on a caffeine rage. She clearly thought the overdose of nicotine via patches and an additional 6 cups of double shot coffees were a good idea. Surprise, surprise – she’s been as crazy as a shit house rat! It got to the point where I wasn’t sure whether to send her reports or just text her to say “yeah, all good” instead!

Since she got her first stats, she’s emailed everyone and their uncle with press releases etc…. It’s like she’s been let out of a cage. We, and especially I, always knew things would start rolling. But that little bit of information has given her even more confidence in the direction she has taken. It has sent her full speed ahead. I’d like to say she’ll be taking a break. But I doubt that will happen any time soon.

I look forward to the new madness I’m about to embark on with someone I am very proud of and want to see fulfilled. Watch this space, there’s loads about to happen!

How to deal with summer insecurities.

264788Oh dear, summer’s here!

We pray for summer to arrive. We can’t wait for the sun’s first warm rays to burn off the long, low, grey winter skies we have laboured under for what seems an eternity. We promise ourselves this year we will do the summer dance. We even live vicariously and ask those travelling to warmer climes to bring back some sunshine with them. It’s all so positive. It’s a fresh new start. So why the hell do so many females dread the summer?

To me, the answer is simple – summer brings out our insecurities!

Seriously, so many females become anxious at summer. The anxieties are borne of various things. Obviously, a prime cause is the dreaded tendency of women to compare themselves with others. Worse still, we tend to compare the worst aspect of us with the best part of someone else. Just think about it for a moment: – if we have crooked teeth, we always notice what a wonderful smile some young beauty has; if we have a small bust, we will admire some buxom young goddess; and we always notice others wearing summer clothes, short tops, tight shorts, bikinis so well, and in a care free fashion; and so the tendency to compare goes on, fuelling our insecurities.

Naturally, the media doesn’t help. For example, when the Daily Mail releases an article suggesting that men – even older men – prefer women in their 20s.  This sort of so-called journalism is a load of bollocks. The survey is based on one dating website. Clearly, that is hardly an empirical analysis that ought to be accepted, let alone relied upon. Let me reassure you based on my years of studying the lovely world of sex and relationships. I have I heard this sort of rubbish before. But I have also heard the exact opposite far more often. I have absolutely no doubt men prefer mature, well adapted women with experience! The 20-year-old younger model is simply a fantasy and not the reality of what they prefer to have as a long-term partner.

Nevertheless, this sort of bad journalism undoubtedly has an effect. It has a serious effect. It exacerbates the problems that abound in summer – because it combines the tendency for us to compare ourselves with others on the one hand, with threats to our relationships on the other. And that is a sure-fire recipe for insecurities to just flood to the surface.

When it comes to relationships, especially relationships that are new, or that have had recent issues such as infidelity, the last thing you need is misleading representations such as the results of some oddball survey. Let me give you an example. I had a friend who used to drive herself mad just before summer. She claimed she could not deal with her partner because he would fall victim to the scantily dressed women baring their white skin to the sun and was unfaithful every summer without fail. How much truth there was to what my friend claimed, I don’t know. All that I do know for sure, is that I never witnessed any bad behaviour on her partner’s part. Quite honestly, I think this was all down to her own insecurities, not his lack of fidelity.

Speaking of which, I would never have stayed with a partner who was unfaithful at all, let alone every summer. If I had a partner who strayed, he would be shown the door no matter what season it was. Relationships are about trust, loyalty and honesty. Without them, a relationship cannot work.  Even when a partner was serial dating behind my back I was able to say thank you for the good times but goodbye, I will do fine without you.

In my younger days, after I had survived some terribly damaging relationships, I suffered from anxiety to the extent I was on – maybe even over – the edge of a breakdown. It was  terrifying. Trust me, you need to nip these situations in the bud and deal with them.

A very useful technique I was given in rehab and therapy was to look at the flame of a candle as it burns. Think only about the flame. It refocuses your mind and eliminates negative thoughts f. It’s an excellent way to calm your mind and open it to positive thoughts.

Unfortunately, the insecurities that arise from fear of infidelity can be as damaging as actual infidelity itself. If insecurity arises in your relationship it can drive a wedge between you and your partner. And the inevitable mistrust and related arguments can get to the point where one of you cannot stay in the relationship and leaves.

Moreover, unless they are dealt with properly, the insecurities that arise from the mistrust and arguments can also lead to clinical mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression. Trust me, I know from personal experience. Feeling insecure is hell, and can be seriously damaging to you and your relationships unless dealt with.

barbie-targetIn the course of preparing this article, I did some research to try to find out how extensive insecurity is. OMG, I was astounded to learn that so many high-profile, successful people struggle with insecurity. The list was virtually endless, including, to name just a few – Chloe Sevigny (actress); Philip Seymour Hoffman (actor), Princess Diana; Don Rickles (actor/comedian); Madonna (singer-song writer). Seriously, the list goes on and on. What I found particularly interesting is that most, admittedly not all, of the successful people I researched had both acknowledged the existence of their insecurities, and had also made at least some effort to deal with the root causes and effects of that insecurity. Here are some examples:

Sevigny – “I have the insecurities of everyone, certainly of every actress, I suppose of any woman. Even the  most beautiful ones feel unhappy. Look at Bardot: she was suicidal. But I like to [deal with them] by playing to the camera. I like to ham it up.

Hoffman – “I had insecurities and fears like everybody does. But I was interested in the parts of me that struggled with those things“.

Diana –  “I want my boys to have an understanding of people’s emotions, their insecurities, people’s distress, and their hopes and dreams.

Rickles – “I make fun of everybody and exaggerate both their and my insecurities.

Madonna – “I think my biggest flaw is my insecurity. I’m terribly insecure. I’m plagued with insecurities 24/7.”

So, there you go. You and your insecurities – in fact, all of us and our insecurities – are not alone!

What’s important is to deal with them.

Dealing with insecurity

The first step is to identify where they are coming from. Often, they appear to come from your relationships but are, in fact, not caused by the relationship at all. They are within you. They are your own insecurities that just manifest themselves in stressful situations such as in the  context of a relationship.

Many things lead to insecurities in relationships. Often, the insecurity is caused by features from previous relationships – whether your’s or your partner’s or both. For example, you might assume that because your partner was unfaithful with his former partner when he hooked up with you, that means he cannot be trusted not to do the same to you. This is a very common situation – after all, more than 50% of marriages end in divorce, and a good chunk of those will have ended because of sex and fidelity issues. And the insecurities that arise from assumptions and fears around fidelity, particularly where one or both partners have left previous relationships, are understandable. But this also is essentially a fundamentally negative and self-defeating mindset that is borne of generalisations and, as I said, assumptions. There there are many, many factors that lead to a partner moving on, such as sexual incompatibility, the fact that the previous relationship had just run its course and it’s time to move on, or maybe the simple fact that your partner met and fell in love with you and wants to spend their life with you… whatever … you get my drift.

The bottom line is that if you are in love and want your current relationship to work – if you really want it to work – you cannot judge your present partner and how he or she will act in the context of your current relationship on what they did in the past. There are so many factors within any relationship such that one cannot be used to measure how the next relationship will work out. If you do, your relationship is compromised from the outset.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t be mindful of history. As the old saying goes – “Those who ignore history are destined to repeat it!” By all means, you should talk to your partner about any issues that are on your mind. Ask him why he left his old relationship – what was good about it & what was bad. You will certainly learn something about him that may help your relationship going forward. You might even learn a thing or two about yourself. The ability to communicate openly is a fundamental feature of a positive relationship. It is right up there with the ability to trust one another. But seeing or assuming problems that are not really there is one of the biggest causes for relationships going wrong.

And assuming problems that aren’t really there is not only bad from your relationship, it’s bad for your health. The insecurities this causes can lead to mental health conditions, including anxiety and depression. When we become anxious things appear that are not really there. We constantly look for something that may give us a sign and prove us right. And 9 times out of 10, we will find something, even if is not really there! It’s absolutely exhausting and, again, negative and self-defeating. Ultimately, if you love someone, either buy into the relationship or don’t. It’s your call.

The main thing to do is stop confusing your insecurities and anxiety with reality. Remember this is your issue and not your partner’s.

Having said that, inevitably, relationships will have many highs and lows. It is absolutely essential that you should feel comfortable and secure enough in your relationship to talk openly with your partner about any issues of concern you may have. If you can’t talk to your partner satisfactorily about these sorts of issues, the concerns will lead to insecurity. So talk to him. If it is a good relationships, he will listen to you and want to work out a solution to address your concerns.

A good idea that has worked for me is to go away together – whether for a night, a weekend or a week – whatever. Just get away from the routine environment and spend time with each other. Doing this away from the stresses and strains of everyday life – work, studies, kids, cooking meals, parents, friends, walking the days, whatever – getting away will enable you to talk when the mood is right for both of you.

When you are on a get-away like this, don’t try to force the issues. There will be natural opportunities during the trip to discuss the issues that are on your mind. Often, you will find that many of your concerns are not issues at all. They are just your old insecurities coming back. Identifying and sharing with your partner the fact that they exist is very cathartic, soothing and calming. Most importantly perhaps, it will allow you to express how you are feeling and explore why. That will also help your partner understand that you are feeling that way, why you are, and that it is not due to something they have done wrong etc…

Furthermore, sharing theses issues of concern and related insecurities gives the  opportunity to discuss and agree a strategy to deal with any legitimate issues of concern – to agree to take specific actions to address them. Either way, you will either find out what the real issues are and whether and how they can be addressed; or you will know whether it is time to call an end to the relationship if you cannot agree on the existence, and how to address the issues. These sorts of formalities of a relationship in themselves provide security and closeness.

Whatever you do, don’t be dogmatic or dictatorial in these sorts of discussions. Don’t go into them with pre-conceived ideas of how the issues must be addressed. That sort of closed thinking will just lead to impasse in agreeing how to address any real issues that exist. Don’t try to control the situation to create something that meets your own image of what the relationship must look like in order to make you feel safe and secure. Relationships should offer safety and security naturally.  Controlling the relationship can be very damaging to both you and your partner. A good example is those relationships where partners can never be apart. You should never need to keep your partner by your side at all times to feel secure. This only builds tension. Either for both of you will feel the other is too needy, and this can drive one or both of you away in an effort to find some space.

Instead invest in yourself for the benefit of your relationship. The more confident you are and self-esteem you have, the easier it is to have positive relationships. Start challenging yourself, get into fitness or join some other activity. The more happy you are in yourself the happier you will be with others.

 

16948832_s-400x270Another strategy is to give yourself, and those around you, time to breathe. Balance is the hallmark of all positive relationships – partners – work – family – self. Each one has to be balanced. Becoming comfortable in your own company will help ease anxiety and move the focus of wanting to be with your partner rather than needing to be with your partner.There was a time when I found it impossible to be in my own company. I took drastic measures to address that situation. I contacted my doctor and asked for help. I knew alcohol was part of my problem and I used it as emotional scaffolding, when in fact alcohol made my insecurities much worse. As soon as I took a break from alcohol and addressed my own insecurities, which happened to be from a past relationships, I suffered less anxiety.

Stop over analysing your partner. This is a serious issue in our 24/7 world where everyone is so connected by technology. The worst aspect of this is trying to sense from a text message what his mood was when writing it. Trying to second guest your partner’s emotions on the basis of a text or email is a recipe for disaster. If this sort of communication makes you feel insecure, let him know, and suggest you need to actually speak on the phone or skype instead. This is something I ask for in all relationships. I cannot abide text message or email relationships. If you can type you can talk as far as I am concerned. Skype, Viber, face time whatever they all work. And they are so much better to avoid and address misunderstandings.

Incidentally, I am not just talking about intimate relationships here. Discovering  what is making or has made you insecure will help you in all your relationships, not just your intimate ones. Relationships of all kind are affected by insecurities – friendships, family and even work relationships can become affected. Insecurities can have a ripple effect where you trust no one. Therefore, if you do feel insecure in any of your relationships, be sure to address the underlying issues.

And a final word from a real star – Aimee Mullins – American athlete, actress and fashion model – oh, and double (lower leg) amputee!: “People presume my disability has to do with being an amputee, but that’s not the case; our insecurities are our disabilities, and I struggle with those as does everyone.

What an absolute star and role model. And what an absolutely normal person at that!

Stay positive,think positive nd attract positive x