Say it as it is.. Tuesday

 

Lianne

My husband and I have been married for 20 years but have not had sex for the last 5 years. I am going out of my mind and I feel unattractive and unwanted. There is no response from my partner even when I try. I am 40 and he is 60 and we met when I was 20 when I thought the older man were amazing. We have two children aged 14 and 12.

I feel like my life is just weltering away and I am going to be stuck at home in this relationship with no happiness or satisfaction.  I have asked him what’s happening and he says nothing, he says he just does not desire it anymore. I don’t want to hurt the children but I don’t think I can stay for much longer. I’m scared I will have to start all over again, have no money and with place to live. I just don’t know what to do. What would be your suggestion?

Hayley

 

Hayley thanks for your email.

There is a common phrase I use called “school gate syndrome” where couples stay together until the kids leave home.

Five years is a long time to go without intimacy at any age, no wonder you have low self-esteem! You have tried your best to talk with him and he said he is not in the mood, what about you? What about your needs? Remind him there are two people in a relationship, not one.  

It sounds like you have no choice but to take control of this situation. Tell him you need to talk at time when you can be alone and use this time to explain that you’re not satisfied and are wanting to get the relationship back onto an intimate level to save your relationship. If he still says he is not interested ask if he will see a doctor with you, there maybe an underlying medical problem.  If it’s because he’s not in love anymore ask if you can work at it, if not then you have to accept it is over. I understand you are worried about the children and how separating will upset them, but you will be surprised how well children pick up on their parents not being happy. It may be that they want you to be happy and will understand.

What’s important is that you decide sooner rather than later so that the kids are not confused, they need stability, it’s important that no arguing or resentment is expressed by you or your partner in front of them. Think positive, you both have made two amazing children. You’re the one making the effort to mend the relationship, if he says it’s over accept it and concentrate on yours and the kids happiness. 

 

Lianne

I need your advice, my former partner had a huge penis and I have coped remarkably well but I seem  to be out of practice now and have recently started a sexual relationship with a new guy who has a surprisingly large one!  I have a good blow job technique but I have totally forgot how to deal with pleasuring a guy with a big one without gagging. It’s a problem as I enjoy doing it and want to do it again.

Emily

Ah your out of practice but you sex drive is high, this is great. I want to say ‘its like falling off a bike, you just need to climb back on’ , but its your mouth not penetration we are talking about. Sorry I just had to say that.

My advice is to remember it’s not because of the size, you have done it before and can do it again. Breathing through your nose well you pleasure him with your mouth is the answer. You need to use your swallow reflex well pleasing him,  this will automatically tell your nostrils to take over and breath.

The best position for doing this is to lie on your back with your head over the end of the bed, position your head so  your neck is supported. This will make it a perfect angle for your mouth and his penis to be in alignment. Ask him to enter your mouth slowly, when the head is at the back of your throat perform a swallowing motion so your throat grabs his penis. This will build up saliva which will make it more lubricated and easier to swallow him. Enjoy!

 

Lianne

My partner has cheated on me before and now he is going away on a lads week-end away. I’m so worried what he will get up to. We are both 25 and we have great sex, he’s really experienced, a lot more than me. Im really concerned and its eating me away and I cant sleep at night knowing that he will say nothing has happened,  but it most likely has. How do I make him not be unfaithful?

Beca

 

Beca, you have made your mind up he has cheated again before he has even gone! This is not healthy for you or right for your relationship. You say he cheated  on you before and you have moved on from then,  I dont think you have and you still don’t trust him. If this is the case you need to be honest about it. For a relationship to work you need trust and honesty. If you can’t trust him and he is not helping you to feel secure then you need to get out of the relationship. It takes two people working togeather to recover from adultery and its not easy, it also takes time. 

It’s unfair on both parties to stay in a relationship without trust as you both deserve to be happy and feel confident in your relationships. Relationships involve two whole people, not to halves so if your not whole then you cant ask someone else to fill the gaps. Hes hurt you and maybe you will not recover, many dont. What you cant do is repeatidly let it affect your life and keep reliving it, it will destory you.

Set up a plan of action with him, such as time he will call you and set boundaries for while he is away. If he breeches them, then you leave. If he does not then you have to respect it was a one off episode from a young man and work on moving forward. Trust is hard to rebuild so be honest and ak him to be the same. I hope this helps.

Good luck x

 

 

Fitness Fridays

 

FB_IMG_145801098375810 years ago I was overweight and unhealthy. Like nearly everyone, I found it easy to find an excuse not to exercise – “I don’t have time,” I have the kids”, “I have no gym kit”, “I’m tired”, “ I can’t afford it” and “I’m in pain” etc….  Yes, I’ve used all of them, and then some. I was working in media at the time and the world was my oyster – invitations to parties and events nearly every night, hangovers 3 times a week, poor diet and with no motivation to change.

Looking in the mirror one day, I realised I had to do something about what I saw, and fast. So, I decided to turn my back on my wild escapades. I got into fitness. In no time, I was a much slimmer size 10. It was not easy to begin with but it changed my life for the better, and forever. I became the happier and healthier me.

There is no excuse not to look after yourself these days. There is a fitness regime to suit everyone. The only person stopping you getting fit is you. If you want a healthier and longer life, you have to accept it’s not going to fall into your lap. You have to work for it. I am true believer that fitness is one of the best ways to improve your overall life, in particular your confidence, sex life, moods and long-term mobility. I also understand how hard it is to get motivated and find the energy to work out. But I can assure you that if you do, you will feel amazing. Exercise is better than anti-depressant or pain killers.

Below are some tips on ways you can work out despite pain, lack of money and with babies.

PAIN AND EXERCISE

Our natural response to pain is to do as little as possible. What people need to understand is that exercise can help manage pain and help you recover. Pain comes in different forms. Acute pain tends to be short-term and associated with injury to the body such as a sprain, bruising and swelling. It will usually settle once healed and can take anything up to 3 months. As the term suggests, Persistent pain lasts longer and is often unrelated to a specific injury. This type of pain is often more to do with the central nervous system and not an injury.

Tackling pain problems with exercise needs to be done in conjunction with a professional such as a physiotherapist. It also requires a balanced approach to rest and exercise. Physiotherapy is of great benefit with most pain, in particular back, joint and muscular pain. Professionally guided, balanced exercise will help you sort out your problem in most cases. If you do have an injury, whether either acute or persistent, the worst thing to do is to stop being active completely.

Walking can be used to burn calories as well as provide general conditioning to your cardiovascular system. If walking hurts, try a cross trainer or swimming. 

Swimming is excellent exercise when you are otherwise impaired by pain because it has no impact on the joints and limbs, allowing you to keep working on your cardiovascular fitness whilst managing or recovering from the cause of your pain. Pool walking is also an excellent alternative if you can’t swim, as it also has reduced impact whilst providing  resistance.

Weight training also helps with pain management. However, it needs to be done at the correct intensity and with appropriate professional guidance. Weight exercises help keep joints and muscles healthy, and promote healing in soft tissue including muscles, ligaments and tendons.

Pilates and Yoga are great for stretching and flexibility. They are best done under instruction from a qualified instructor. There will be plenty of classes available near you. Make sure you introduce yourself to your instructor as a new member when you first go to a class, and let them know if you have any injuries or pain

If you are in pain, don’t stop exercising unless you have been told to by a qualified professional. If you are recovering from an injury, then clearly, intense and contact sports like football, rugby, sprinting and tennis are not good choices. Try low impact training until you are recovered.

FREE TRAINING 

Achieving the health benefits available from exercise is easier than you might think, and it need not cost an arm and a leg. Just 150 minutes of physical activity a week is enough to keep you feeling fit and healthy. If the gym is not your thing, there are many low-cost activities you can do on your own and that can get you in shape.

Walking is one of the best forms of exercise. It’s cheap and accessible to everyone. Increasing the distance you walk is easier than you may think. You can make it a social affair by walking with a friend or joining a local walking group. The average person can burn up to 400 calories by walking 10,000 steps in a single day.

Home exercises are simple to do and get you into shape. They can help you burn fat from your abdominal section, hips and bum. And they don’t need to burn a hole in your wallet. Invest in a skipping rope. Skipping is how boxers train and is fantastic for overall fitness and fat loss. Try 10 sets of skipping x 2 minutes each, with rests of 1 minute in between each set.

There are many free apps available to download such as Myfitnesspal and Bodyspace. They have thousands of free workout routines for beginner, intermediate and advanced levels. The Bodyspace app can also help motivate you with weekly email, discounts and supplements information.The app even records your workouts, so you can challenge yourself. Add me and I will help you stay focused!

Running and jogging makes more demands on your body than walking, so if you’re just starting out you should build up the speed and duration of your runs gradually. If you’re thinking of taking up running for the first time, or if you have been inactive for a while, make sure you invest in the right running shoes for your weight and foot shape, and be sure to warm up before you run and stretch after.

Cycling is an aerobic exercise, and works your lower body and cardiovascular system. If you plan to cycle regularly, make sure your bike is the right size for you, and that the saddle and handlebars are adjusted to suit your height.  As with jogging or walking, you can make it a social activity by riding in group.

Swimming is the third most popular type of exercise after walking and running. Swimming exercises the whole body, and is a great way to tone up and get trim. Doing even a few lengths involves most of the muscle groups. If you increase the pace, you’ll get an aerobic workout, too. Swimming can also help you lose weight if you swim at a steady and continuous pace throughout the session. You could join a swimming club or sign up for pool workout sessions, such as aqua aerobics. If you are on low-income or any kind of benefit you can claim a free pass for your local council swimming facilities if you produce a doctor’s note. A quick trip to the doctors saying you want to get fit can get you free access to exercise.

For free and cheap gym deals go to:

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/deals/cheap-gym-membership#free

Exercise doesn’t need to cost an arm and a leg.

EXERCISE WITH BABIES

Finding time to exercise when you have young children is a challenge but not impossible. Exercising may be the last thing you want to do if you lack time and have children. But you should and can make it a part of both your and their lives. Exercising with your children makes you a good role model for them. If you build the foundations early, there is a better chance fitness will become a part of your children’s lives.

Many new mothers complain of being too tired and stressed to exercise. To the contrary, you need to understand that exercising will give you more energy and feel less tired and stressed.  There are many ways of training with a pusher and is a great way to socialise with other mums.  Why not form or join a group with other mums in the same situation as you.

Schedule a workout time in your local park where you can take the pram with you and include the children. Their body weight is ideal for doing squats and lunges whilst making it fun for both of you. Jogging with the buggy is a fantastic way to keep your child entertained and get yourself fit at the same time. Exercise gear like skipping ropes, balls and hand and leg weights can also be carried under the buggy.

You only need to 30-60 minutes to exercise effectively. All you really need is the will to get fitter, refreshments and a changing bag, and you are set to go. Even walking uphill with the buggy is a fantastic workout for cardiovascular and muscle endurance training. It works the biggest muscles in the body, the quads and hamstrings.

If you can’t find 30-60 minutes to exercise in one go, then try splitting it up over the day. For example, you could do 3 sets of 20 lunges every hour; or run up and down the stairs 20 times.

There are so many full body workouts that can be done at home. And lots of advice and contacts can be found online by simply typing mothers outdoor training groups.

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August 27th is ‘I am team GB’ in some areas. It’s a day to try out a new fitness class or attend a gym for free. Brought to you by The National Lottery and ITV, you should have a gym near you. Check out ‘I am Team GB’ on facebook and online.

 

 

 

Say it as it is

 

 

I have recently started exploring the world of BDSM and in particular CBT. I like to be dominated by a strong woman and I want to tell my partner. However I am 99% sure she will freak out, knowing her the way I do

Is BDSM something you are experienced in? Is there anyway of getting this to a win/win outcome, or do you think I should keep my fetish to myself.

Shane

 

Yes Shane, I do have experience in CBT (cock and ball torture) which is covered under BDSM (Bondage, Discipline,Sadism and masochism). Castration is also a name some readers will associate with.

There is right way and a wrong way for opening up to your partner about any fetish you may have, particularly anything considered kinky. One thing  I do NOT recommend is hiding your sexual desires, this can put risk on the relationship and form a significant lack of your own sexual fulfillment. It’s also not healthy to have a lack of communication in a relationship.

One thing I have discovered over the years is that few people really understand the world of BDSM and any of its sub-categories such as CBT.  I suggest starting the conversation asking her if there is anything new she wants to try in the bedroom. Make the conversation about her.

Whatever you do avoid rushing to reveal the graphic details involved with CBT and do NOT think about asking your partner to participate or start experimenting the first time you talk about it. You have to remain calm and explain to her that your happy in the relationship. Start the conversation with something related to something that’s happened previously during sex such as: “That night we had sex and I never came really tuned me on”, this way you can suggest asking her to try it again.

(If you have have not been in this situation, it may be good sitation to play out, this way you could see her true reaction).

Explain that CBT is perfectly safe and is about mental, not sexual satisfaction. Reassure her that she does not need to try it right now but you would like her to consider it at a later date well informing her its about her being in control.

Choose a time and setting with no distractions. If she is negative it could be nerves and you need to understand she is hearing something out of the ordinary, try not to be put off. If her reaction is non responsive maybe follow-up with a conversation at a later date then use this as your opportunity to ask her what she thinks.

Remember, its her choice to be able to choose and you have to remain positive and leave it alone if she asks you to. Whatever you do make her feel comfortable and under no pressure, you can return back to the conversation at a later date if she is not willing to hear it right now. You have to respect her wishes.

Sexual desires can not just be shoved aside and put to the back of a drawer, so you need to have the conversation. Based on her answers you can make a decision of how you fulfil your needs.  You may be surprised that she also has fantasies of her own she may want to try.

 

Lianne, I have been really stupid and having been been caught messaging men on line behind my partners back. He broke into my Facebook account and found sexually suggestive messages between me and a couple of guys and he has gone mental. He has accused me of being unfaithful and has started calling me a slag and worse names. I was only messing around on line and it never meant anything. I have never met any of the guys and have it has only been through messages. I have never said I wold meet them. How do I convince my partner I am not being unfaithful?

Emma

 

Emma, have you considered that the messages have really hurt your partners feelings? Relationships are built on honesty and trust, how can you think messaging strangers online is not betraying you partner in any way. Online infidelity hurts just as much as physical infidelity. You say your partner broke into your Facebook account which suggest to me that he has a reason for feeling you were up to something. However, this still gives him no right to enter your personal account.

Trust issues have been broken in a big way from both sides.Your partner trusted you until this happened and now you have to provide an explanation of why you done this. If your happy in the relationship but lacking attention from your partner then tell him and dont go looking for it from other men.

Social media messages and pictures can cause serious issues for everyone. How do you know for sure they have not been shared amongst his friends, or worse shared over the internet.  I recommend not exchanging sexual messages with strangers online for your own safety, weather your in a relationship or not, you simply have no idea who these people are apart from what they say on their profiles. I suggest going through your friends list and deleting the ones only interested in sex messaging if you want to save your relationship.

To save your relationship and build the trust back start by showing you have deleted these so-called friends, set your privacy settings on your profile to private and build back the trust. Its not going to be easy but it is possible.

In future remeber there are two people in a relationship and how would you will feel if they done it too you.

 

I need your help,  I am really pissed off with a man who comes into the bar regularly where I work who told me I am fat!  I work nights in the bar to make extra money to support my daughter who is 12 months old, I am a single parent. I have to do everything on my own for my daughter and would love the time to workout but I don’t have the time, or energy at the moment. I can put up with most things but I am feeling self-conscious since I had my daughter as I put on a bit of weight and not a size 6 anymore. I want to tell this guy to back off without letting him know I am hurting.

Jane

 

This guy sounds like a jerk! It sound to me like he has some serious issues of his own and I’m sure him drinking every night does not make him a picture of perfection. I would remind him next time he mentions it that he has no excuse for his not so perfect features, his personality being one of them.

Some men hide behind alcohol for confidence, they also use negative comments as a way of trying to impress a women they like. Dont ask me why it works, but sometimes it does.

You need to see this as immature talk and he is probably looking for a reaction, the best one you can do  give him is not one of aany kind. If he does carry on I would not think twice in asking him to refrain from insulting you in front of other customers. Let other people know his insults are bothering you and you will not  accept them, demand respect.

If you are having self-confidence doubts about wobbly baby weight dont, a size 6 is neither attractive or healthy and your daughter needs you healthy.

Of course, if you do want to loose the weight why not ask him to buy you a gym membership,  after all if you don’t ask you don’t get!

 

 

 

 

Yes please doc! New health prescriptions

ff5511a33b14a6bae03428be2756d4b6Like all parents, mine told me that if I ate ‘an apple a day’ it would keep the doctor at bay. Well, it didn’t work. And over the years, I’ve visited many a doctor and responded to the usual array of enquiries whether I smoked, drank, exercised, did drugs etc… And, of course, no matter how I replied, I would be advised to change my lifestyle in some way.

I had worked out for myself that sex was great for my health in so many ways, especially by reducing stress. I also knew it was good for the heart, and that it helped lower blood pressure. In fact, I knew very well that sex is great for our health in many, many ways that the odd Granny Smith, Pink Lady or Cocks (apple, that is) can’t get near.

Seriously, it’s important not to neglect our health. It’s also important to stay on top of cures that work and not rely on old wives tales like apples. So, now is the best time to take a trip to the doctor and have a much-needed MOT. And you will be delighted to find that gone are old world boring prescription, and here are the 21st century alternatives such as red wine, chocolate, HRT, gym memberships and holidays!

Last year, after a long recovery from illness, my doctor prescribed a holiday for me. Trust me, my bags were packed in a heartbeat!  I was living in Western Australia at the time, and he suggested a short break to Bali. With the benefits of selective hearing, I only heard the words FLIGHT and FLY, and soon found myself with a return ticket to the UK. I set off with minimal luggage. Was the holiday good medicine?  You bet is was.

Let’s look a little closer at these alternatives to traditional prescription medicines, and why doctors are prescribing them for our long-term health.

Prescription chocolate

Chocolate is known to trigger the release of endorphins. They are  similar those released when we fall in love. A UK mind lab recently conducted a study in which 6 couples placed dark chocolate squares in their mouths and then kissed, whilst hooked up to heart monitors. The results showed doubled activity in each couple’s brain  pleasure centre, particularly in the women. Another study indicates chocolate helps people relax by releasing the same brain receptors as does marijuana.

Chocolate also helps improve circulation generally, and blood flow to the brain in particular. It also can make us feel full. Dark chocolate appears to be better than milk chocolate in this regard but they both help eliminate the desire for pizza, salty and fatty foods. People who eat chocolate three times a month have lower mortality rates to those who don’t. So, it seems, chocolate helps people. Of course, this is only true if eaten in moderation.

98cd7505dfe4dd8dc8c9376d827f4725Prescription sex

It’s a well-known fact that people who have sex have less sick days than those who don’t. Evidence suggests also that people who have sex at least twice per week produce higher levels of antibodies than people who have limited or no sex. Therefore, people with higher sex levels are better able to fight off infections and viruses. 

So, anyone who puts off sex by saying they don’t feel well or have a headache, should think again because it has been shown that sex is definitely good for you. And, the more sex you have the higher your libido, mood and health. Plus, the more you have it, the more you want it. 

And sex is just as good for the health of women and men. In women, sex helps with bladder control, as it usually involves a decent workout for the pelvic floor muscles. Orgasms contract the vaginal and pelvic floor muscles, which helps strengthen them. And vaginal stimulation, with or without an orgasm, can help reduce chronic back and leg pain, and also pain associated with menstrual cramps and arthritis… Go sex! As for the men, a study has shown that those who ejaculate regularly are less likely to develop prostate cancer. They don’t even need a partner for this one, masturbation works just as well.

And there’s even help for insomniacs. It is said that having sex will help you fall asleep quicker. Hell, I have known one or two who were capable of falling asleep during! The hormone prolactin released after orgasm enhances feelings of relaxation and sleepiness. So sex is a much better cure than sleeping pills.

Prescription red wine

I’m guessing most of you will be keen to know about the health benefits of this one. Well, results of a recent study confirmed that a glass of wine a day helps to keep the blues at bay. Red wine can help reduces the common causes of depression and heart disease. However, again, all in moderation. And turning to wine to reduce depression is definitely not the answer, and if you don’t drink, don’t start!

And it’s important to maintain balance. Just look at the Spanish “Mediterranean diet” of olive oil, wine, high in-take of fruit, vegetables and fish, and a small quantity of dairy and meat products. These have all shown to reduce cardiovascular disease by up to 30%. A much healthier option than pizza, burgers and fries.

2cccc02b8dc1fffc98a4c93149ca04a4Prescription holiday

Holidays are much higher on the list these days since studies suggest they reduce stress and the risk of heart attack. Of course, this depends highly on what holiday you take. I’m sure e a two-week drug fuelled party in Ibiza is not what the doctors have in mind!

These days, more people than ever are complaining to their doctors of chronic stress and the toll it is taking on their bodies. It has been proven that chronic stress contributes to reduced ability to fight infection, and may lead to other health concerns such as bowel problems, depression, anxiety, memory loss and mental health issues.

Taking time out for quieter moments to break the stress cycle and give ourselves breathing space helps us to refresh and prepare ourselves to take on the world again. Holidays help us relax, and give us a break from our usual routines. This helps us gain perspective on the everyday and larger problems we all face in life. It’s easier to and much more effective in terms of monetary costs, time and long-term outcomes to act now and take a break; rather  than to wait until life becomes all too much for us and have no alternative than to turn to prescription medicines. And active leisure holidays such as golf, yoga and walking are best. Not Ibiza!

So, there you have it on doctor’s orders. Treating yourself is good for your health! Out with pills and in with the thrills!

The STI Tavern!

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A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar. He goes up and starts small talk.  Seeing that she didn’t back off he asked her name.

“Carmen,” she replied.

“That’s a nice name,” he said, warming up the conversation. “Who named you? Your mother?”

“No, I named myself”, she answered.

“Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?”

“Because I like cars, and I like men,” she said looking directly into his eyes. “So what’s your name?” she asked. “Beersex.”

Alcohol may help remove stress and many other problems from our lives. Hell, it can even help remove bras and panties! But, it is very clear that it can give rise to a few problems, including sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Recent evidence indicates that Syphilis is on the rise in the UK, and at a record rate.

The evidence also suggests that the most noticeable rise in STIs amongst promiscuous adults is in the age group 40 and above. Who knows why? It could be down to newly divorced couples getting back into the dating scene and unprepared for how that scene has changed whilst they have been away. Or, maybe, the growth in erotic fiction such as “50 Shades of Grey “. (vanilla porn in my view) has influenced this demographic to try more adventurous sex .

It might even be down to the fact that less antibiotics are being prescribed in response to concerns about over-prescription trends in the recent past. For years, doctors handed them out like smarties, unaware they were clearing up an undiagnosed STI that neither the doctor or the patient knew they had. Yes, the same antibiotics we use for everyday infections are used treat STIs. And as there is a trend of reduced prescriptions, there has been a rise in STI rates recorded.

Whatever the reason, everyone is now more at risk to catching STIs than ever before. So, divorcees, and the older generation getting back in the game, or seeking to be more adventurous sexually, may think they’re not at risk but they are. Everyone is at risk if they are not using a condom. No one, no matter what their age, is immune to STIs.

It’s perfectly OK – in fact it’s great – that people are more sexually active and into experimenting now more than ever. But it’s really important to be sensible and take precautions!

Hey, how difficult is it to slip a condom in your wallet or purse before you leave for an evening out? Even if you’re not planning anything which may lead to sex, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Seriously, everyone knows alcohol improves your chances of having something called gogglesex!  Gogglesex is great. But long-term itchy private parts, or pain when you urinate is fare from fun!

Alcohol relaxes our inhibitions which can lead to fantastic sex. Yes, the very thought of having drunken sex on a night out may seem like a lot of fun. But unless you’re careful, you could end up regretting it – and I mean big time regret.

On a few occasions in my wilder days, I woke up wondering what the hell had happened the night before. Damn, I couldn’t even remember whether I had even had sex, let alone whether I had used protection. Come on – admit it – who hasn’t done this or something similar at least once in their lives. Denial will get us nowhere. There’s no point hiding or being ashamed of what you did after the event. That won’t deal with the problems associated with having caught an STI. What’s important is how we deal with what we did – not that we did it!

So, let’s see how it might go.

 Blind sex!

Ok, so you may have pulled a stunner, or a handsome hunk that you just must take home. That’s fine. What’s not fine is the assumption that just because your catch is god looking means that they are STI-free. You cannot tell by just by looking at them. As they say, never judge a book by it’s cover. They may seem like your perfect partner right now. But was an STI on your wish list in finding your perfect match?

These situations arise all the time. Unless you’re sensible, your eagerly anticipated long-lasting happiness with ‘Mr or Miss Right’ could be over far sooner than you thought.

Ex-sex

Ex-sex is just as bad. Just because you dated someone before and they were STI-free does not mean they are clean now. You may have known them for years and believe they are the least likely person to be carrying an STI. But you can never safely assume the last person they slept with was clean of STIs.

And then comes you!

It’s just as important to make sure you’re STI free also Just because you think you are, does not mean you are. STIs can last for years without showing symptoms.

Every new relationship should start with a STI check. I know, I know, that sounds like a bit of a dampener on the romance front. But trust me, it’s a damned sight more romantic than catching or passing on an STI.

A new relationship should always start with a clean slate. Your new partner may seem like a vanilla licker, but it doesn’t mean they have no previous experience. And if you’re new beau or belle won’t agree to a test, don’t do it. Play it safe, for yourself and your future partners.

Your local pubs and clubs are major breeding grounds for STIs. They are also very effective venues for spreading the contagion.

What about the face of it?

It’s well known that people don’t always reveal they have had an STI or even that they had the sexually transmitted virus, herpes. And you can’t tell by looking. Just try. Take a look around your local this weekend. I bet you see the same people, week in-week out. They are as regular as clock work. And, as you will see, some regulars have a different partner most weekends. Could you keep up with who has had who?  I bet you can’t. Do yourself a favour. Even if someone says they are clean, don’t take it at face value. Your health is far more important than how popular you are at your local pub, remember no sexually transmitted infection stands out in the crowd.

No matter how well you know someone, how popular they may be, how safe they say they are, or it’s just hard to say  ‘no’ because you like them so much, respect yourself and don’t take the risk. If they truly like you and respect you they should not expect unprotected casual sex from you.

If you have had drunken sex and worried, contact your local STI clinic or your doctor to get it sorted quickly. It’s all confidential. You can also do anonymous testing by ordering  a kit on-line, but these only cover a few infections so best avoided.

One tip I will give you, it’s easier to take a little prick from a blood test than a prick wanting unprotected sex!

Have an enjoyable weekend, play safe x

 

Say it as it is

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I tried to fix my relationship by offering a three some. My partner was always staring and making comments to very attractive woman. I felt he wanted to be adventurous so I took the risk based on my own confidence. I was willing to do anything to save my relationship, but when I made the offer, I was cruelly judged. It debilitated me sexually and after that reaction, I felt mechanical. I’m not sure what I did wrong.

Amber

The first rules about fixing a relationship is to know why the relationship is broken in the first place. It sounds to me like our partner is an inconsiderate idiot. You say you took the risk to try to save your relationship, the only risk worth taking is to confront him, be honest with yourself and not do anything you don’t want to do, offering a threesome to satisfy him is not the answer. Having to fight for a partners attention is not healthy either in any circumstances, it should come naturally. You need to put your own boundaries and expectations in order to gain confidence not offer sexual situations you may later regret. Your partner does not seem the person who has any respect for you, first making you feel inadequate and insecure by giving his attention openly towards other females in front of you. Secondly by judging you for making suggestions to try and improve your relationship. I’m sorry but he does not seem like a man worth investing your time in, you need to invest in yourself and work on your own needs and expectations. I would suggest sitting him down and asking if he wants to sort the relationship out. If he does not listen to your worries or insecurities then its time for you too move on. The relationship will keep affecting your confidence if you stick with this guy, you will also become more insecure. Take a leap of faith in yourself. Don’t try to satisfy and please others before your own needs first, a one-sided relationship will never work. Accept him for how he is or move on and find someone willing to be an equal partner, both intimate and sexually.

There is a famous saying “Dont let the heart that didnt love you, keep you from the one that will”

 I am 39 I didn’t feel like having sex very often; however I do have sex with my partner in order to keep him happy at least once a week. I have recently discovered he has been seeing another women who he met in the local supermarket and I don’t know what to do. I am doing my best to try to be available sexually for him. Should I continue being sexually available  and in a relationships with him even though I know he has been unfaithful? Should I have considered it just an affair and turn the other cheek?

Hannah

Lets slow down here, you have a lot on your plate. You must be feeling lost. You have not mentioned why you don’t feel like having sex and this is an important issue. Yo are at the age where there could be hormonal changes going on, making this a health issue and not a relationships issue. My first advice would be to go visit your doctor. The first sign of peri-menopause is a lack of interest in sex. There are many other reasons it may also be such as thyroid issues, therefore I suggest the first step is to contact your doctor and go have a check-up. Explain your situation and loss of sexual desire and get to the bottom of your own sexual issue first.

Your partner is obviously wanting more sex than you but that is no excuse to go to the local supermarket to go meet a women and start an affair. For relationships to work they do involve not just friendship and hand holding, they need intimacy. The fact he has decided to get sex from outside your relationships is something that needs to be addressed and quickly. Men are natural sexual creatures, they also have desires  but this is no excuse to be use deceit. You both need to sit down and decid if you both want to save the relationship and support one another. Tell him the affair needs to end and he needs to support you. Mediation and a doctors visit is the first port of call.

Try not to take any fault for him having an affair, ask him if it was for emotional or sexual satisfaction as thease are 2 seperate issues. If it was sexual I would suggest working on it to save the relationsip. If it was emotional then you both have to work out what you both want from the relationship and decided if it is worth investing time to try to make it work.

What ever your decision you need to go and visit your doctor and get checked-up. Life is for living and sex is a natral part of this.

My partner has accused of having an affair even thoughI am not, it really hurts me. I have been unfaithful in a previous relationship and I confessed , as soon as I could. That relationship still broke down and we seperated . I confessed to my new partner at the start of our relationship and he now thinks  I cheat in all my relationships, and all the time. I have my uspicions he is, but I have no proof. He is a tradesman and I have the feeling he crosses the professional line with his customers, especially, lonely housewife type. He carries on personal contact with some of them outside of work, while he accuses me of cheating. I’ve given up my own job to assure him of my intentions and commitment. I’m not sure what to do at this point but the changes I make are making no difference in his approach to other women.

Kim

What are you doing in this relationship? Get away form it as fast as you can, its got toxic written all over it. This relationship is never going to work, and for each day you are in it you can not claim back! You are both as bad as one another. Im sorry but you are putting yourself in a situation to be a victim. You are giving up your own identity to try and be something he thinks you should be in. Never do this. Never loose your self to please others. Right now you have your finger on the self disctruct button

My first part of advice is too go and love yourslef, go and discover who you are and quickly! You need to understand that being honest is not wrong and that anyone who uses your honesty against you is not someone worth in vesting your time in.

You are both too insecure to be in a relationship, especially with one another. Stop making excuses for him and accepting his behaviour. Run as fast as you can!

 

Every Tuesday, Lianne at ‘House of Ardent’  will be cover subjects she has been asked over her many years as a sex, relationships and life adviser and mentor. ‘Truthful Tuesdays’ is an opportunity to address any questions you may have about sex, relationships, drugs – anything to do with life, really!

If you have any issues and want Liannes advice please email Lianne direct on: lianne@houseofardent.co.uk

 

 

The Porn Identity

FB_IMG_1457875693565 ” I  am a movie star, I have starred in over 100 blue movies before my retirement as a performer in 2001. Sure there are some similarities in my life style and that of Matt Damons character in “The Bourne Identity”.  I have suffered many episodes of drunken amnesia and memory loss, I must also admit to having slept with a few government bodies in my time… but I have never been chased by the CIA.  I am also very qualified in a more subjects besides sex.

My PA said to me this morning, she wants sex, she is yearning for it, she wants as much as she can possibly get and she wanted it now, in writing form of course. With my partner 12,000 miles away in Australia I need something to help me release tension mentally, the physical side I can do for myself. My PA is good,  but I’m much better in this department!

Thousands of times I have been asked questions as one of the world’s former top porn stars, ones like, “What is it like being a known sex star? “-  “Are you a sex addict?”-“Have you ever been in love” -“What about your kids?” and more often than not “Were you taking drugs when making movies?”

Serious, I am not a robot, I have emotions and feel pain the same as everyone else. I am however able to separate love and sex. This does not make me invisible.

Google searching myself is hilarious and entertaining, I love it. I have had to deal with a lot of critics. In march of this year I gave an interview to British tabloids covering my decision to become a porn star in my 20s, I openly said I felt it was a positive step for my children. The tabloids used the heading “Porn star who made over 100 mucky flicks says it was good for her children”.  My movies were not mucky, they were bloody excellent! 

Here are some questions I have answered on life as a former porn star and having a porn identity:

Why was it good for my kids? It made me happy in myself,  so of course it was a good thing, it left me less stressed. It made life as a single mother easier as I was able to become a working single mother. It also gave me financial stability and self worth. It helped me feel and be financially independant, it helped me provide for them.

Did I provide for my kids? Yes, of course. In every way possible.  I was a single parent and I done my best. My daughter lived with her father from aged 2 and my son lived with me. It was not a situation I wanted and my job helped me provide for both of them equaly. 

Do they have morals and education? I would certainly hope so! 

Would I let them be a porn star? I would do my best to put them off, it’s no longer a professional industry and there is no money to be made. I have supported them both in their choices and I will always look out for them. Its not my place to tell them what they can and cant do for themselves career wise, but I would advise against it.

Are they into drugs and wild sex?  No, I don’t think so. My son is happy living quietly in Vancover and working. They have travelled, they have had education and they had a stern mother who made enough mistakes of her own to advice them and tell them what to avoid. You see being a porn star never made me less of a mother.  It helped me be more educated on issues which would affect their lives. 

What about your critics? Some home alone critic suggested I put down the porn industry on TV, they could not be further from the truth. I totally support the professional side of the adult porn industry, not that there is much left of it.  I don’t support suitcase pimps and ass holes of the industry. Nor do I have any respect for any critic sat at home who judges me, then provides negative comments on my professional advice for TV shows to help others.  Maybe, whoever critics me has gone deaf, not just blind from too much wanking. The only thing I will always be is 100% honest.

lianne_web_02.jpg Why a porn star? Let me explain, I look at things differently, I realised at a young age if we were clones of one another the world would be a bloody boring place . My decision to be a porn star was based on business, one of financial gain and development. I had a 2 year plan, I wanted to move away from my small town in Bristol to London. I wanted to get myself off and out of the council system.  I lived off benefits as a single parent and I wanted more for myself. Did I expect anyone else to pay for my dreams to be turned into reality, no, I wanted to do that for myself. I was very happy to put in the hard graft and do it for myself.  Did I like sex more than anything else,  if I’m honest, yes!

That’s where it started, with a dream and some passion. I knew I had the skills to make money from the worlds biggest industry, I knew sex sold everything. I began by writing a 2 year business plan covering finances and marketing and I made a start. It really was that simple. 

What made the difference is 18 years ago it was pre-internet. There was money to be made unlike today. The salary was very attractive, some weeks I easily made $10,000 depending on what, or when I choose to work. Did my business plan work?  You bet it did.  Did I sleep myself to the top of my work place?  Damn right I did, I was supposed too.  Unlike many other people in regular jobs.

What now, what is life like after porn?  I used my infamous label to help others. I have helped people of all ages from teens to married women on sex, relationship and confidence issues. I learned the practical sides of sex from being a porn actress, then I got qualified in the theory side of things via the family planning association. I have a strong belief that ex sex-workers, the ones that have the highest personal hygiene and top knowledge covering sex and sexual health should be teaching sex education. Recently Italian Porn star Rocco Siffredi has came out and offered to help educate Italian schools on sex education. Look at it this way, he know’s more than most. I have a joint venture “House of Ardent” which I use as a platform to advise, educate and help others on all things concerning sex and relationships and how to get through lifes hurdles. Trust me, I have survived all of them,

How do you cope with negative comments? Many people, on many occasions  have labelled me, some have been damn right nasty and vicious, some have called me disgusting names and others have used me for blame and excuses to protect themselves. Quite honestly I no longer give a damn, nor will I. They can accuse me and say whatever they like, most don’t even know me and none of them have ever offered to pay my bills. Too many people judge others and that’s never going to change, I just feel sorry for them. It used to really hurt me and leave me feeling worthless. I went through intense therapy at 30 years of age, not because of having been a porn actress, but because of some people who had tried to destroy me with thier beliefs of how I should have been living. I had to suffer mental and emotional abuse because I put myself and my own needs first, and not theirs. Everyone has a right to be themselves.

How do women view you?  When I first started my career in porn, many women would grab their boyfriends and partners by the arm the minute I walked through the doors of a bar/club. They seriously thought I would want to fuck their partners! And for nothing?  The worse part about it was they obviously never trusted their partners, that’s sad being with someone you dont trust. Take it from me, it is not a porn star or any sex worker they should be worried about-sex workers do not give out free sex!  There are a lot of people going out and getting drunk and giving it away freely, that’s who they should worry about. On occasion it did piss me off enough to say “ look darling I don’t want your man, but when you sleep with him tonight he will be thinking of me”. I gave as good as I got.

How did you become good at sex ? Honestly I have no idea, I just knew I liked it!  I openly admit to having experimented, and I had friends with benefits before porn, I will always say “porn never made me, I made porn.”. I was tested regularly and I would turn up for work everyday, I always used protection and no one was getting hurt. The hilarious part about when I choose to be a single parent, was my ex saying “you will never find sex as good I gave it to you?” yeah right, he had never even given me an orgasm!  So I proved him wrong and became the Porn Queen of England. I should thank him.

Of course, if I wanted to be a porn star today I would go into the “Big Brother house” and be a sub standard porn star, not tested, no protection and not get paid for it!  However I will leave it to them to make porn stars look educated! Im happy of my 4 years involoved in the industry during my 20s, both as a perfomer and manager. I helped many well known faces get treated correctly, get paid what they deserved and not over work. I also helped them rebuild their lives after.

wp-1460195502620.jpegSo did you enjoy your work?  Damn right I did, I got to sleep, well have sex with some of the best performers in the world who were attractive and with bodies to die for. It also made me look after myself and stay healthy and in shape, I had to maintain a perfect size 10. Did I ever get forced to do anything against my will?  Yeah right,  I am Lianne Young- would you try making me do something I don’t want to do, the answer is no.

Did you do drugs to get through work?  No bloody way, when I was performing I had to be in fantastic shape. I ate well, I trained hard and I looked after myself.  If not I would have been out of work. The Industry may have a label as being full of drugs, however in all my time as a performer and talent manager I never once saw drugs, not on set, or did I see any performer high on drugs. Did I see it in my regular jobs after porn? Yes I did, it was everywhere. 

Many people have perceptions because they don’t understand the real porn industry, or what it used to be like. Many say we are fucked up characters , it’s more likely those saying this that are messed up. If you don’t understand something, don’t judge it.  Ask questions instead. You will be pleasantly surprised how intelligent the industry used to be.  As for the industry today I would not go near it.

Do I mind being recognised as someone who had sex on film? No, not at all, it partly made me who I am today and it helped me become a businesswoman. I have learned all about independence and self discovery along the way. It also helped me turn all my dreams into reality. Why would I mind being recognised. I will never hide from my past, its part of me. I just asked to be respected. I have helped many people and I will continue to do so.

Did it mess me up emotionally in any way?  No it never, it showed me how small minded and crawl some people can be from so called normal lives. Negative comments, feedback and remarks online leave me with nothing but a smile now.  It informs me I have had an impact on their lives, I hope they use it too, to have as much fun as I have!

So what does it fee like to have A Porn Idenity?

Its ace, why else do you think I always have a smile on my face.

Xxx

Lianne


Interview conducted  by Tomera Rodgers.