My husband and I have been married for 20 years but have not had sex for the last 5 years. I am going out of my mind and I feel unattractive and unwanted. There is no response from my partner even when I try. I am 40 and he is 60 and we met when I was 20 when I thought the older man were amazing. We have two children aged 14 and 12.
I feel like my life is just weltering away and I am going to be stuck at home in this relationship with no happiness or satisfaction. I have asked him what’s happening and he says nothing, he says he just does not desire it anymore. I don’t want to hurt the children but I don’t think I can stay for much longer. I’m scared I will have to start all over again, have no money and with place to live. I just don’t know what to do. What would be your suggestion?
Hayley thanks for your email.
There is a common phrase I use called “school gate syndrome” where couples stay together until the kids leave home.
Five years is a long time to go without intimacy at any age, no wonder you have low self-esteem! You have tried your best to talk with him and he said he is not in the mood, what about you? What about your needs? Remind him there are two people in a relationship, not one.
It sounds like you have no choice but to take control of this situation. Tell him you need to talk at time when you can be alone and use this time to explain that you’re not satisfied and are wanting to get the relationship back onto an intimate level to save your relationship. If he still says he is not interested ask if he will see a doctor with you, there maybe an underlying medical problem. If it’s because he’s not in love anymore ask if you can work at it, if not then you have to accept it is over. I understand you are worried about the children and how separating will upset them, but you will be surprised how well children pick up on their parents not being happy. It may be that they want you to be happy and will understand.
What’s important is that you decide sooner rather than later so that the kids are not confused, they need stability, it’s important that no arguing or resentment is expressed by you or your partner in front of them. Think positive, you both have made two amazing children. You’re the one making the effort to mend the relationship, if he says it’s over accept it and concentrate on yours and the kids happiness.
I need your advice, my former partner had a huge penis and I have coped remarkably well but I seem to be out of practice now and have recently started a sexual relationship with a new guy who has a surprisingly large one! I have a good blow job technique but I have totally forgot how to deal with pleasuring a guy with a big one without gagging. It’s a problem as I enjoy doing it and want to do it again.
Ah your out of practice but you sex drive is high, this is great. I want to say ‘its like falling off a bike, you just need to climb back on’ , but its your mouth not penetration we are talking about. Sorry I just had to say that.
My advice is to remember it’s not because of the size, you have done it before and can do it again. Breathing through your nose well you pleasure him with your mouth is the answer. You need to use your swallow reflex well pleasing him, this will automatically tell your nostrils to take over and breath.
The best position for doing this is to lie on your back with your head over the end of the bed, position your head so your neck is supported. This will make it a perfect angle for your mouth and his penis to be in alignment. Ask him to enter your mouth slowly, when the head is at the back of your throat perform a swallowing motion so your throat grabs his penis. This will build up saliva which will make it more lubricated and easier to swallow him. Enjoy!
My partner has cheated on me before and now he is going away on a lads week-end away. I’m so worried what he will get up to. We are both 25 and we have great sex, he’s really experienced, a lot more than me. Im really concerned and its eating me away and I cant sleep at night knowing that he will say nothing has happened, but it most likely has. How do I make him not be unfaithful?
Beca, you have made your mind up he has cheated again before he has even gone! This is not healthy for you or right for your relationship. You say he cheated on you before and you have moved on from then, I dont think you have and you still don’t trust him. If this is the case you need to be honest about it. For a relationship to work you need trust and honesty. If you can’t trust him and he is not helping you to feel secure then you need to get out of the relationship. It takes two people working togeather to recover from adultery and its not easy, it also takes time.
It’s unfair on both parties to stay in a relationship without trust as you both deserve to be happy and feel confident in your relationships. Relationships involve two whole people, not to halves so if your not whole then you cant ask someone else to fill the gaps. Hes hurt you and maybe you will not recover, many dont. What you cant do is repeatidly let it affect your life and keep reliving it, it will destory you.
Set up a plan of action with him, such as time he will call you and set boundaries for while he is away. If he breeches them, then you leave. If he does not then you have to respect it was a one off episode from a young man and work on moving forward. Trust is hard to rebuild so be honest and ak him to be the same. I hope this helps.
Good luck x