Why every relationship needs a contract

In the beginning of any relationship it is lustful and exciting as you get to know one another, then you fall in love and bingo you are in a full-blown relationship. Then comes the next step of moving in together. The next decision is where do you live, who moves, who’s paying what, how big will the house be and how it will fit the both of you. This is the easy part as they are all easy to negotiate but what about the small print?
In long-term relationships, of course, there are agreements, many of which are unspoken. Many of which are invisible, until someone breaks them, and until this time they don’t give any thought at all of the relationship contract. The deal of a relationship contract is not about love, the love word does not come into it, it’s about the vision of the relationship. Do you agree on what the rules are?  Do you agree on what the boundaries are?  Do you agree on what is off-limits?  Do you agree on the vocabulary you are going to use when you talk with each other? Most likely the answer is no, you just met, fell in love and decided to be together, and as you know relationships are expensive in many ways.

This would be like myself going up to a close friend and saying “Hey you know I really like you, let’s start a company together”.  Of course my friend say “that’s a great idea”. We have no idea what the company is going to do, we have no budget, we don’t know where the company is going to be located, but we know we are going to have a company.

When a couple does not have a shared vision of the relationship they don’t know what to expect, and what they can rely on. It’s about learning and agreeing how to handle a situation.  This is why a relationship contract is advised. 

How to write a contract

A relationship contract is a document that gets written up and signed by (usually) two people within an intimate relationship. But, in truth, the contract is about having a very honest conversation. It isn’t legally binding. It isn’t a marital contract. It’s a relationship contract.

You sit down together and say, “Okay, what does being in a relationship mean to us individually? What’s important to us that we make sure we include in here? What can we put in our contract that would make you feel safe, loved, seen, and cared for?”

You write down/type up all of the things that each of you wants to include, print it off, and sign it. Then you have your very own custom-made relationship contract!

How to fight boredom

 

shutterstock_158400260If you were born before the 80’s the likeliness is that you know how to deal with boredom, born after this and you’re most likely bored out your brain. Why you may ask, well it’s because technology has taken over. Theses days the younger generation have become bored of life which has led to addictions to smartphones and virtual reality. The younger generation have managed to catch every pokermon and can access virtual reality sex making them less active and bored.

When I was a younger women I had to get out and make my own fun, I had some great adventures doing so which released stress, not create it, I was also fit and healthy with a brain that functioned correctly. Today it’s a totally different world with many children overweight due to bad diets, little exercise and many not knowing how to hold a conversation.

The world has become a screen glaring walking disaster. You only have to walk though London where people walk into you because they are on their smartphones and then glare at you like your the idiot for being normal and walking in a straight line.

Boredom has nothing to do with nothing to do in 2016, it’s down to people not stimulating their brains because they only know online activities. I’m not suggesting quitting technology but it would not be a bad thing if we left it alone for a period of time each day. If people used thier minds instead of smartphones they would activate thier brains to wake up-and help it sleep! The number of people with insomnia today  is crazy and it makes people depressed, angry..and bored!  

Whatever next cartoon pornography and robot sex?  Wait a minute we already have them both. Cartoon porn is nothing new it has been around for years and robot sex is on the rise. I have experienced both in my life time, unfortunately they passed off as human at the time. 

Women have at last also realised it’s fashionable to own a vibrator! (It took long enough seen they have been around for centuries) which now makes it possible for females to have sex without conversation. Mind you this is nothing new for some.

So where does this lead us? Do we all become single and masturbate over virtual reality and watch the human race disappear like dinosaurs or do we take action and combat boredom? We take action of course.

Here is my advice for fighting boredom in 2016.

The smartphone provides access to dating sites and social groups which will help you become unattached to your phone and help you socialise with people- this may even lead to sex and sex is great!  It also burns calories which can be classed as exercise.

Use the vibrator as a bonus to your relationships and not as a partner, go have a relationship with human interaction instead. It will also help shift those stubborn pounds and maybe even give you a hug after. Ok, I did only say maybe… You must agree it is much less boring with someone else than doing it on your own.

Replace your late night web surfing with relaxing music instead, this way you don’t even have to suffer parting with your smart phone if you are so attached. If you can replace it with the smoothing touch of a partner this will be even better… and it may lead to sex. Sex is less boring and will also help you sleep. Again it can also be classed as exercise.

Go back to tradition and start writing love letters instead of texting, start reading books and even try face to face dating.  Nothing can replace human interaction and it helps fight boredom by actually doing something with someone! This can help put a smile on your face and maybe someone elses… it may even lead to sex…and help you sleep.

Remember you only have one life, dont miss out on whats around you by being bored. There is no excuse for boredom in todays world so make the most of it and grab every oppotunity well you can. The world is a beautiful place if you acknowledge it.

One last note of advice: There is a time and place for everything which means your technology should not be taken to bed with you- unless of course it is powered by batteries.

 

 Say it as it is.. Tuesday

Every Tuesday, Lianne at ‘House of Ardent’ will answer problems on sex, relationships and life. ‘Truthful Tuesdays’ is an opportunity to address any questions you may have. If you want Lianne’s advice please email  lianne@houseofardent.co.uk

 

Lianne

I am in a 25-year-old guy who is in a long distance relationship and it is tearing me apart. I love my girlfriend to bits and don’t want to lose her but I can’t rid these feelings of insecurities. She said she wants to be with me and has put her life on hold until I finish my university degree when we can be togeather full-time. She is based in the UK and I am in Australia. I have asked her to be with me in Australia but she said she can’t leave her job which I understand. I am kept awake at night with thoughts going through my mind of her being with someone else and I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I don’t get any sleep and it’s making me feel sick and depressed. I would so appreciate your advice.

I am so sorry to hear of the anxiety and confusion you are going through, let me reassure you I know how hard it is to have a long distance relationship, I have dad one. You need to sit down and address a few issues soner rather than later as it’s clear your partner fully supports and loves you and wants you both to be together full-time once your studies are over. Start by being open about your emotions and talking about how you feel, she sounds like a supportive partner so will understand.. The best thing about long distance relationships is that it gives both people the chance to be independent and show support for the other during hard times. Why not ask her to send you a bit of her clothing so you can smell her and feel she is with you. Also try date nights where you can date on skype and flirt with one another, this will show anc reassure the other just how much you love them.

Don’t try to make the mood low by saying how much you miss her repeatidly, this can make her feel you have insecurities and can make her feel uneasy. Instead explain how much you miss her then say how great her clothing smells and how well she looks. When you make someone feel confident they will want to make you feel good about yourself. Hang in there because long distance relationships can work as long as the couple support one another and are in the same page.

Lianne

I have been dating this guy for around one month and he keeps asking to meet my friends and family. I like him a lot but am not in love with him and feel he is pushing me before I am ready. He keeps suggesting I don’t like him as much as he likes me and that I am embarrassed of him as I don’t introduce him to anyone. I am just a private person who has been single for many years and don’t feel the rush to make introductions in a hurry . How can I tell him I like him alot but I need him to back off a bit. Louise

Louise,  to be perfectly honest you have to say it how it is and be strong about it. There is nothing worse than a pushy guy demanding you introduce him to your friends and family, you need to make sure he is hearing you from the start. When you are both alone and calm suggest a chat about your relationship and how you are feeling pressured, use this oppotunity  to inform him you choose to be wirh him and not need to be, tell him to take it as a compliment and to work with you and not push you. At the same time try to find out if he has insecurities about your relationship and why, he may feel he needs to open up to you about a past relationship that he may have been hurt by, its only then you know what you are dealing with can you solve the issue. Remember stay assertive and don’t be made to feel uncomfortable.

Lianne

I have got myself in a crazy situation. I am in a relationship with a guy I have been with for 2 years and we are really happy. However, last week I went to a job interview for an office job which followed with wine, I got the job. The man interviewing me was so charming and before I realized what was happening we were drinking in his hotel room and undressing one another. We went on to have the best sex I have ever had, something that has have been lost with my partner recently.  I now have to go away on a training week with the same man who interviewed me and I just know I am going to fall in bed with him as I have not stopped thinking about him.  I feel so guilty towards my partner but really need this job as I have been unemployed for nearly 12 months. Jane

 

Jane,  I have to admit you have reminded me of a situation I got myself in many years ago and I’m happy to say you can also get yourself out of it to. Just like one of my old managers. I am sure he came across charming especially as he made you feel confident about getting your new job, you celebrated with drinks and it seemed nothing could go wrong, however it did and in a big way. See it as a one-off and stay focused on your job if you can’t then walk away. I can assure you these kind of flings lead nowhere and it will not help you climb the ladder in your career. There is only one industry you can sleep your way to the top and it’s not an office job! I know it’s been 12 months but there are other jobs out there. 

You also need to look at your relationship and be honest about what is missing and how you can get it back on track with your partner if you want too. Explain to him that you are feeling the relationship has lost its passion and you want it back. One more word of advise try to leave the booze alone when in situations where emotions can run wild.

 

What is a real Porn Addict?

pornaddictionSimilar to someone with a drink or drug addiction, porn addicts tend to replace important relationships and commitments with their drug of choice, pornography. It’s a compulsive and consistent sexual problem which will manifest in many ways. You can easily recognise if you are becoming a porn addict as you will isolate yourself from others, you will spend hours or even days amongst images and experiences in which porn provides. While some porn addicts use masturbation as part of their act, this can lead to no intimate sex with your partner.

I have been asked many times if I am a sex or porn addict, no I am not. I don’t see my enthusiastic desire to engage in sex as wrong, I see it as healthy and my partner is definitely not complaining. As for being a porn addict I can assure you after participating in adult movies I am way too critical of the way performers act on film for me to become an addict! I would make a great critic mind you.

Some of the signs you are becoming a porn addict are: you have an inability to stop your behavior of using porn, you get angry if asked to stop watching porn, Your hiding your amount of use of porn, your living a double secret life, you’re getting lost in porn and your spending more time than intend watching it.

Don’t get me wrong, if you use it to masturbate and  watch it before doing so, I don’t consider this a problem…I’ve done it enough myself! It’s also great to watch with a partner.

 

What is Porn Addiction

For many having a porn addiction is hard-literatly , the addiction needs honesty and outreach. This begins by finding someone who has knowledge working with sex addicts and opening up to them without feeling embarrassed. Just like the 12 step program in AA, there is a 12 step sexual recovery programme.

Pocket Porn has become a massive problem amongst men and women since the rise in technology, now they can communicate at any time with webcam and many women, and men are happy to take naked pictures of themselves and send them out. Women in particular who suffer low self-esteem or body issues are more likely to develop a sexting habit.

Porn addiction is not defined by the type of sexual act, or by the choice of sexual partner, it’s more by the person’s inability or unwillingness to stop their sexual eagerness despite the consequences.

Why is porn addiction so high?

Astonishing figures show that there is a massive rise in porn addiction, over 60% of people with a porn addiction have never visited a strip club or rented a porn movie! Easy access has made it easy for the person to be anonymous, so they can’t be embarrassed. I remember before the internet came out, whilst I was working in LA as an adult actress, it was so high standard and we made an absolute fortune compared to today. As soon as the internet came in and it was easier to access porn and the industry became a different world. It is at this point I retired.

With remarkable speed, more people who have never had an addiction have become addicted to porn. With over one million pornographic sites on the internet, 10,000 added in the last year, and one quarter of the internet request now revolving around pornography, pornography sites make up 12% of internet sites making it so widespread. There is no wonder more people are becoming porn addicts.

The Virtual reality world is now filled with sexual content, they make it possible to invent experiences, relationships and identities while experimenting in the virtual world. Unfortunately this changes people’s interpersonal skills as they become more used to tech porn.

Virtual reality porn does contain positive aspects also, it helps provides secrecy, where people can look for intimacy and feel a sense of freedom and power. As users dabble in the privacy their own homes users make it a personal and untraceable experience and can fulfil their sexual fantasies. Unfortunately with every positive comes a negative and the user may become reliant on online porn, leading to them becoming an addict.

 

pornographySo how do people get addicted?

Well the industry is great at making people stay hooked. The adult porn industry is a multibillion pound industry designed to lure in unsuspecting new customers. They use banner advertisements or spam e-mail is unsolicited. Often spam emails will hide behind their links.

The sex industry also uses legitimate sites to lure new customers. Many pornographic sites have addresses similar to non-pornograpahic sites. If you search for words ambiguous such as girls, pump, young, and even ball you are most likely directed to a sex site. The internet has no bounds, it is global and it is the biggest banking business on the internet. It’s supported by all the banks as they provide the payment platform for a big percentage of the takings. Yes, everyone is connected to the porn world in some way or another.

What can be done?

With porn addiction no longer just for the creepy loner, lonely man or women, it is everywhere. Normal people from all walks of lives are claiming that pornography has taken over their lives. The criteria for determining if you are addicted to porn are much the same as ones used to identify other addictions. If you are viewing, reading, watching or thinking about pornography so it is interfering with your work, your relationships, your family and your social interactions, it is a problem.

Here are some tips to try to regain your online use.

Think carefully about why you want to avoid porn sites, what is important to you?  are you wasting time on these sites? are you concerned it’s affecting your family? are you losing sleep? do you feel guilty? Having a strong reason to quit pornography is a great motivator.

Make a promise to yourself that you will try not to watch pornography. Making a promise is setting boundaries.

Do your best to keep your promise. Habits are going to be hard to break, if you feel like you’re slipping, think about the benefits of staying away from porn.

Look at yourself in the mirror when you have tempting thoughts tell yourself that you are not that person. If this doesn’t work then see how much money you have spent on it as this should hopefully reconfirmed it’s not worth it.

Get rid of everything on your computer remotely related to porn. Delete bookmarks, delete history, resign memberships and disable your webcam.

Develop an interest away from the computer such as a hobby, join a gym, spend time with family. There are many things you can do without a computer. Think and stay positive, congratulate yourself and focus on what to do, not what you can’t do.

 

As with most addictions they can get you down, you need to ask for help and put in the hard work.

The best cardio workouts to burn fat!

Cardio can be as boring as watching paint dry and it seems the more you do the less you feel you are achieving.  What’s also true is that not all cardio equipment is going to help shift the stubborn fat. I’m fortunate enough to be able to train outside half the year surrounded by the wonderful Indian Ocean and  the remaining 6 months I use a gym where I use cardio machines as little as possible.

I am not a fond lover of using cardio machines in gyms because I find them insanely boring, the running machine is like running a long outback road in no man’s land, the bike is only working my legs and hardly raises my heart beat. The cross-trainer well when did I ever walk with such a swaggy stride, the rower is a no go for me and the stepper is far from entertaining.

Many people are under the impression that you have to be a great runner to use a running machine and be able to keep up a running speed of around 8-10km per for long periods of time. Others believe using the cycle is great because they are using the resistance so it acts as resistance training and cardio all in one. These may help with getting you healthier but if you are looking to lose the weight staying at one steady speed is not the answer.

The best and quickest way to lose weight through cardio machines is to continuously change your speed and resistance. The average amount of calories burned in a 30 minute treadmill workout is on average 250 calories. The same can be achieved by running as fast as you can in interval sets by running at 10-15 km per hour for 20 seconds, then resting for 40 seconds and repeating 20 times is the ultimate and fastest way to burn stubborn calories. Why?

Well it’s down to the heart rate rising to a high level and then being reduced, then being raised again and being reduced over and over again. It only takes around 5 minutes of steady running at 8-10 km per hour until your heart becomes used to it and starts to plateau which means it does not need to work as hard as it first did, with interval training it does not get used to one speed so cannot plateau which means the heart and lungs have to work harder, resulting in faster fat blasting.

The bodybuilding website conducted some research and provided information on what professional athletes and trainers think of cardio machines which will show you how they differ. They have picked the best and worst based on effectiveness of the most calories burned, amount of time  and improved aerobic fitness functionality.

Treadmill

This superior machine got a rating for effectiveness as  A+ and they gave it another A+ for its functionality. Unlike some of the other cardio machines available the treadmill allows you to move your body in a way it is meant to move. Its super easy to use and it can be used for running, jogging, walking and incline uphill training. Don’t use the handles for support as it will not benefit you, instead pump up your music and go for an adventure by changing the speed and incline.

Stair Mill

This machine is a serious workout and works wonders for the butt, it’s like the stairway to heaven, literally. Not only will it help you shift fat and burn excessive calories it will also tone your booty, hamstrings and quads all in one. Bodybuilding gave it an A+ for effectiveness and functionality.

Rowing Machine

I cannot use these machines as I can not get the motion correct, the functionality is near impossible for me and I’m a trainer.  It does however burn calories and got an A+. Not all gyms have them but if they do make sure you are shown how to use them properly. It provides a full body workout and can be hard as hell if used properly. Just 0 minutes of intervals will torch major calories.However if you’re not used to using machines keep in mind it can be hard to master, it needs serious upper body skills.

Airdyne Bike

This machine looks a bit like and 80s machine and very similar to a bike, although it only got a functionality of a B the effectiveness got an A+. It provides an ass kicking work out where the harder you pedal, the higher the ind resistance becomes.  Why not try going as fast as you can for 30 seconds then resting for 60 seconds.

Spin Bike

I love spin bike classes but unfortunately do not get to do as many as I like. You can attend a class in many gyms and fitness centres which provide a high intensity interval workout, Sitting on the seat is a little uncomfortable but that just makes you stand to use more muscles which helps burn fat. Classes are great fun and some are combined with weights just like Soul Cycle classes attended by David Beckham. Effectiveness A, functionality B.

Arc Trainer

This is not really a work out as far as I am concerned and it looks like bodybuilder website agrees with me. It really is down to why? The machine makes your body move in an unnatural way. If you have bad knees it’s better than running, swimming which is also non impact will provide you with just the same power of workout.  It got a poor rating also, effectiveness C and functionality D.

Elliptical or cross trainer

Overall this was only given a D for Effectiveness and F for functionality. You may ask why seen it is so popular in gyms. The answer just like the Arc trainer it unnatural movement and ineffective. Setting the resistance at a level and lower than 10 is about as effective at burning calories as sitting on the couch. It may be less impact so better for the joints, so is sex….. I suggest the latter one.

Outdoor training exercises if you cant stand the thought of the gym!

If you’re not a member of a gym there are other exercises you can do outdoors to burn fat just as well as a treadmill and rowing machine. They are old fashion exercise which are used by many athletes and military trainers today. So if you are looking for something outside of the gym to burn stubborn calories try out these.

Burpees

These are everybody’s pet hate! Burpees are movement of jumping up and down. It’s a full body workout that focuses on the core muscles while also increasing your stamina. It will take practice, but once you have mastered it you will get the maximum effect.

Tuck Jumps

Who would have thought staying out in one spot could help you lose so much weight! Tuck jumps burn calories and build up your endurance quickly. As you jump raise your arms up to your chest so you get the ultimate workout. The higher your knees get the stronger your core.

Skipping

I cannot recommend this exercise enough, I am a skipping addict. I discovered my love for skipping when I took up boxing and I have never looked back. Trust me it’s easier the more you do it. This beautiful exercise not only burns calories, it burns calories and raises your heart rate which is great for your stamina. If you don’t have a child that has a skipping rope you can pick them up in most sports shops and large supermarkets. They are even available in the pound shop. It will be the best one and you have ever spent.

Knee Jumps

It’s practically the same as running but with you raising your legs at the same time. You Can vary your speed and range of movement to increase its effectiveness. The bonus one is it will burn more calories than running by itself. Again practice makes perfect.

Long Jumps

I used to be fantastic in long jump at school, fast forward 25 years and I can’t say the same thing. I don’t particularly this exercise but it works wonders for the whole body. To do them effectively you need to be in a wide open space. I m going to describe it as acting like a frog and springing yourself off the ground as high as far as you can. It will involve working on your technique to get it right, when you do it will burn your legs.

Mountain Climbers

I love this exercise and I use it during most my workouts as a core strengthener and fat blaster. You would have learned these in your school days and not realised its benefits, now you will. Mountain climbers improve circulation and uses your whole body to stabilize and support you. It strengthens your arms, core and leg muscles. You can even do them in front the TV.