School does not educate us on emotions or how not to offend people. Yes, we are instructed to always be polite, but it does not prepare you for the warning signs of a toxic relationship. People are educated on re-production, marriage and over dated romantic stories of the past with false fairytail endings.
So how do you become prepared for the nitty-gritty of a relationship? With no guidelines and your only advice being from magazines and reality shows how are you supposed to get it right? Well it’s down to trial and error from the get-go, and if you’re like me, it’s been a lot of errors.
Many relationships are based on culture, upbringing and beliefs ad diferent of opinions, everyone of us would love a romantic love story that is always a happy ever after, but we all know this is not realistic. So what are the behaviours that are common in a relationship that people think are healthy, but are infact toxic and could end up destroying your relationship and everything you hold dear.
Keeping a scorecard
This is the ultimate nightmare, you hold score on who has done what and how many times. If Both people in the relationship do this it will become a relationship scorecard, where it becomes a battle to see who has screwed up the most and who owes what. This is so bad for a relationship because you are always focusing on the past and the negatives to try to justify righteousness. You deflect the current situation and live on bitterness from the past. This is energy sucking and is not living in the present. Drop the scorecard now, and if it’s a repeat situation deal with the problem or move on.
Many couples try to nudge a partner into doing something they don’t want to do, then instead of just saying whats upsetting you, you find petty ways to piss your partner off and complain with sly remarks. Instead Of doing this you need to be honest and be responsible for yourself and do not feel obligated to do things against your will.
Holding your partner hostage
When one has simple criticism or complaints this can lead to blackmail and threaten the whole relationship. Stating your partner makes you unhappy will make them feel less adequate for you. This is so toxic as it is emotional blackmail and causes much drama. Negative thoughts and communication leads to your partner suppressing emotions. Instead let them know their positive points before their negative points. Communicate fairly and don’t waste time judging and blackmailing one another.
Always blaming your partner for your emotions
If You’re having a crappy day the person closest to us is more often than not held responsible. You blame them for not being supportive, you lash out at them for being insensitive and your shitty day becomes worse. This is a selfish way of dealing with your emotions and it’s called passing the buck! Personal boundaries are important so take some you time alone to calm down. Blaming your partner will only lead to frustration and anger and bitterness form them. Instead take responsibility and apologise for your outburst and try to find ways to deal with them before you push your partner away.
Insecurity and jealousy are sure relationship breakers. Getting pissed off and jealous when your partner talks or hangs out with another person can make you come across as controlling. You can find yourself looking through their phone and emails and read into situations which our not there. Its controlling and manipulative and causes unnecessary drama in each of your lives. It also transmits a message of insecurity and neediness.
You need to trust your partner and deal with your own insecurity. Jealousy is a natural thing in life but when it takes over your life it’s not. If you don’t deal with your own emotions and insecurities you will push your partner away.
Buying your partner’s forgiveness
As soon as you doing something wrong that upsets the other instead of solving it, you come up with a gift to try to soften the blow. This is so wrong as you will be covering up issues instead of dealing with them. Not only does it brush the problem aside it makes the next time even worse. Its unhealthy and provides no incentive to deal with issues.
If trust is broken it’s not going to clear up by buying a bunch of flowers for someone, It needs to be dealt with personally. There is nothing wrong in doing nice things but if it’s to avoid an ear bashing then it’s not going to deal with emotional issues. Gifts are luxuries not communication avoidance tools.