Toxic relationship habits most people think are normal

broken-heartSchool does not educate us on emotions or how not to offend people. Yes, we are instructed to always be polite, but it does not prepare you for the warning signs of a toxic relationship. People are educated on re-production, marriage and over dated romantic stories of the past with false fairytail endings.

So how do you become prepared for the nitty-gritty of a relationship? With no guidelines and your only advice being from magazines and reality shows how are you supposed to get it right?  Well it’s down to trial and error from the get-go, and if you’re like me, it’s been a lot of errors.

Many relationships are based on culture, upbringing and beliefs ad diferent of opinions, everyone of us would love a romantic love story that is always a happy ever after, but we all know this is not realistic. So what are the behaviours that are common in a relationship that people think are healthy, but are infact toxic and could end up destroying your relationship and everything you hold dear.

Keeping a scorecard

This is the ultimate nightmare, you hold score on who has done what and how many times. If Both people in the relationship do this it will become a relationship scorecard, where it becomes a battle to see who has screwed up the most and who owes what. This is so bad for a relationship  because you are always focusing on the past and the negatives to try to justify righteousness. You deflect the current situation and live on bitterness from the past. This is energy sucking and is not living in the present. Drop the scorecard now, and if it’s a repeat situation deal with the problem or move on.

Passive Aggression

Many couples try to nudge a partner into doing something they don’t want to do, then instead of just saying whats upsetting you, you find petty ways to piss your partner off and complain with sly remarks. Instead Of doing this you need to be honest and be responsible for yourself and do not feel obligated to do things against your will.

Holding your partner hostage

When one has simple criticism or complaints this can lead to blackmail and threaten the whole relationship. Stating your partner makes you unhappy will make them feel less adequate for you. This is so toxic as it is emotional blackmail and causes much drama. Negative thoughts and communication leads to your partner suppressing emotions. Instead let them know their positive points before their negative points. Communicate fairly and don’t waste time judging and blackmailing one another.

Always blaming your partner for your emotions

If You’re having a crappy day the person closest to us is more often than not held responsible. You blame them for not being supportive, you lash out at them for being insensitive and your shitty day becomes worse. This is a selfish way of dealing with your emotions and it’s called passing the buck! Personal boundaries are important so take some you time alone to calm down. Blaming your partner will only lead to frustration and anger and bitterness form them. Instead take responsibility and apologise for your outburst and try to find ways to deal with them before you push your partner away.


Insecurity and jealousy are sure relationship breakers. Getting pissed off and jealous when your partner talks or hangs out with another person can make you come across as controlling. You can find yourself looking through their phone and emails and read into situations which our not there. Its controlling and manipulative and causes unnecessary drama in each of your lives. It also transmits a message of insecurity and neediness.

You need to trust your partner and deal with your own insecurity. Jealousy is a natural thing in life but when it takes over your life it’s not. If you don’t deal with your own emotions and insecurities you will push your partner away.

Buying your partner’s forgiveness

As soon as you doing something wrong that upsets the other instead of solving it, you come up with a gift to try to soften the blow. This is so wrong as you will be covering up issues instead of dealing with them. Not only does it brush the problem aside it makes the next time even worse. Its unhealthy and provides no incentive to deal with issues.

If trust is broken it’s not going to clear up by buying a bunch of flowers for someone, It needs to be dealt with personally. There is nothing wrong in doing nice things but if it’s to avoid an ear bashing then it’s not going to deal with emotional issues. Gifts are luxuries not communication avoidance tools.

Ways you ruin your life

abcd0003The meaning of life, or the answer to the question “What is the meaning of life?”, means living or existence in general. Many people question  “Why am I here?”, “What is life all about?

Life itself is not supposed to be a straight line, neither is it a journey of mountains, how boring that would be.  I wonder how many of you have looked back and thought “I wish I had changed this” or “If I could have my time again, I would do this way”.

When growing up we are given lots of pressure, pressure to finish school, get a job, get married, have a family and to be comfortable and financially secure by a certain age! Pressure, pressure, pressure. Yes, it’s OK if you travel through life this way, and its equally important to understand that the world is not going to condemn you if you don’t.  

Many people focus on what went wrong and not right in their lives. Did you go to college, then university, then find a career with a six figure pay check? The problem starts when we do things because we are told this is expected of us, people lay responsibilities on us to achieve what they see as success. We find a job to pay bills, we have the bills because we get told we are supposed to secure or own a home. We follow steps followed by more steps thinking that we are fulfilling some checklist of life, and one day we wake up depressed, question our choices and become all stressed out, we feel pressured and we start to panic.

This is how people ruin their lives.

You ruin your life by the people you choose. There is no need to fast track relationships, Why do we need to find somebody to share our lives with instead of becoming somebody? Love comes from desire, not the need to share, the need to feel loved, the need to be given attention. Is this going to keep you inspired through life if you rely on needs instead of wants?

The ideal relationship is wanting someone to inspire you, the intimacy that is rare, rather than right there. Yes, you don’t want to be alone, but why settle for something you don’t desire just for the sake of being in a relationship. Trust me, I eat alone, spend time alone, travel alone  and I am still inspired by who I am. I also continue these habits when in a relationship. It’s about being comfortable in your own skin and at peace with yourself.

Once you love yourself you will find out your own beliefs, create your own dreams, you will grow, and then when you meet someone who has that special feeling of connection you are able to give yourself because you know who you are. The one thing I urge is for you to wait, wait for the right person and do not settle for just anyone. Remember it’s also not going to fall into your lap, you do need to make things happen. That special person does not have a crystal ball giving them directions to find you.  You need to hunt and fight for it, and you will be rewarded.



In life there is heartache, confusion, ups and down moods, sickness and hurt. Some may stick with you and you may well become your own victim. Don’t let these moments define you. If you allow negative events in your life to stick, you will see things around you as negative and miss out on some wonderful opportunities.

Don’t convince yourself you are not good enough, you are. Don’t blame a past relationship for stopping you finding love, they were just one person out of around 7 billion in the world. This is a cycle that you need to learn to break early on in life. If you don’t get over past relationships you can not develop new ones on solid foundations and you will keep comparing relationships.

You also ruin your life when you compare yourself to others. Social media is a nightmare for this but does not have to be. The amount of followers you have should not matter. It does not decrease or increase your value. The amount of money in your bank does not define you, or give you compassion, intelligence or happiness. People who have twice as much wealth do not have twice as much bliss. Don’t get caught up by following what your friends and partners like, it ruins you. It creates a need to be wanted and often pushes people away.

Don’t desensitize yourself. We are all afraid to feel to deeply, to say too much and to let people know how much they mean to us. Sometimes it’s too late. Caring is not a crazy attribute, expressing how your feel does not make you vulnerable, and it is something you should not be ashamed of. It is beautiful to be loved, cared for and wanted. Let people know if they inspire you, help people you have inspired, you will not lose out by supporting another. Open yourself up, do not harden up to the world and be proud of who you are.

You will ruin your life tolerating things. You Should be excited to live. When we settle for anything less we will always have an empty spot. You need to find your passions and follow it. You could be the next Steve Jobs or Beethoven but working as a cleaner because it pays the bills. Do not let this happen to you, it will ruin your life. Life and work, and life and love, are not irrespective of one another. They are closely linked. We have to work hard to do great work, we have to work hard to find great love. We have to work hard to follow our passion. Only then will you not be ruining your life.