Singles therapy

Austin-Counseling-Singles-seeking-RelationshipNot too long ago I was recognised in the The Sun newspaper as being one of the most sought after sex and relationship therapist in the UK, assisting Shane Warne does have its benefits. My first article written by me was in fact about Shane and his dating antics which were published all over the newspapers nearly two years ago, therefore it must have been fate that I would eventually meet and work with him.

I am sure there are times in your own live when you have felt that fate had lent its hand, or you were simply in the right place at the right time, but how would it feel to be in complete charge of your life, your relationships and your future happiness, well you can.

Many people are falling into the trap of serial dating and rebound relationships which can cause agonising self-inflicted pain. Past partners are not to blame for your present or future relationships going wrong, you are the one person responsible for how you behave and how you package the past to be able to move forward.

No one person is to blame for our past relationships affecting our future ones apart from ourselves.

It has been recognised that self investment in singles relationship therapy is one of the best things you can do for yourself if you wish to have successful relationships, it may seem strange and weird to seek relationship therapy for yourself at first but trust me you are not alone. people from all walks of life are asking for assistance in understanding their relationships patterns in order to make changes within themselves and who they choose to have a relationship with in the future.

After a break up

Weather you ended the relationship or not it can feel like you are stuck in a situation with emotions running riot, you may be finding it hard to cope with the feelings of sadness, anger, loss, guilt and this can have a negative impact on your self-esteem. It may be a relationship that ended yesterday or years ago, if it’s having a negative impact on your outlook of relationships then I highly suggest seeking confidential assistance.

Negative habits

If you are repeatedly dating the same kind of people, your relationships all end with drama, you feel you are updatable or have unhealthy expectations of relationships then you really need to invest in yourself to understand yourself in a relationship. By exploring your past relationships and looking into your history you can start to make better choices for yourself and your future.

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Future relationships

Working out what you want from a relationship, who your potential ideal partner is, or simply how you understand yourself is the first step needed to make you have success at dating. Fear of rejection or issues around self confidence will hold you back which is why spending some time with a professional and working out your values, deal breakers and expectations will help you recognise who you can have a happy and healthy relationship with. Its a chance to figure what is holding you back and what you are telling yourself that has a negative impact on dating again.

Knowing yourself

Can you imagine being in a situation with no bondries, no stable ground and uncertainty concerning your relationship, it would be draining, Rules and respect in a relationship is a must so you dont say six months down the line “I never signed up for this”.. You need to know what you have signed up for.

Relationships are an investment just like a house or car and you need to understand the terms and conditions as you enter the contract. Knowing what you want and accept in a relationship will make sure you pair up with the right partner, if you jump in without any idea of what you accept or want then the relationship is likely to be doomed. You need boundries set so you can take responsibility for allowing them to be broken if you allow it to happen. No one can make you do something you don’t want to, not one person can hurt you unless you let them and no one is responsible for how you feel. Yes, you have emotions and no relationship is without its hurdles but you are not alone.

New beginnings

To be able to move on and get back into healthy relationships you need to let go off past anger, past upset and past expectations so you can start a fresh. You need to look for ways to find lasting love, you need to try new things and make sure your self esteem is vibrant.

Be couragious, believe you can be happy and dont put limits on your hopes and aspirations.

Think positive and be ready to catch yourself when you start to have negative thoughts, have a rescue plan for yourself when you head starts playing tricks on you.

Write down positive things about yourself and keep it within reach so you can remind yourself of how well you are doing.

If you are having issues getting over a relationship feel free to inbox me and I will see if I can help you understsand yourself.

Remember, love is a wonderful feeling so treat yourself

 

Keys to happiness

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Much research has been done to find out exactly what makes us happy and fill content, and what puts that smile on our face. The father of psychology Martin Seligman has come up with something called PERMA which is straightforward and achievable by most people.

POSITIVE EMOTION

How often do you feel gratitude, peace, pleasure, inspiration and the warm feeling of love and security. By feeling these emotions it makes you able to enjoy the here and now which can bring on positive emotions. Learn to be grateful for what you have and not focus on what you don’t. Embrace and appreciate what comforts you have around you such as, a roof over your head, food on the table and loving friends or family, Appreciating what you have here and now will bring positive emotions your way. So out with the negative thinking and in with the positive!

ENGAGEMENT

Do you have the ability to be in the moment? It’s when you are totally focused or in the flow with what ever you are doing either a skill or an experience. If you are able to live in the moment it seriously will bump up your state of well-being.

POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS

This is essential for your well-being, relationships need to be meaningful and not toxic. Are you really happy in your relationships? You need to feel comfortable, appreciated and wanted in your relationships for them to feel positive. Being on your own is sometimes better than being in a toxic relationship.

MEANING

We all need meaning in our lives. This is something bigger than us. We can all achieve meaning by helping others, being supportive or belonging/ connecting to a cause that does.

ACCOMPLISH/ ACHIEVEMENTS

Having a realistic set of goals and working towards them help you stay focused and engaged with life. As long as they are realistic and you flourish with them they will give you ,much positive happiness in your achievements.

Why you need to take a break from your relationship

relationshipWe have all had those moments when we have said to ourselves our partner is driving us crazy, so why do we not take a break?

Taking a break from your relationship has a bad reputation, yet it could save your relationship in the long run. The first thing most people think when their partner asks for a break is that their significant other does not love them anymore, that they can’t stand to be around them and in most cases this is far from the truth.

Many people ask for relationship breaks for a variety of reasons and it usually has nothing to do with things not running smoothly, it may be because they are restless. Many men need time out from the relationships so they concentrate on themselves instead of a “we” for a while, this way they can figure out if you are the one they want to spend the rest of their lives with. The best thing you can do is not to fight with him as this will push him further away and put your relationship on the rubbish heap completely. It is perfectly normal for them to want to make the right decision especially if it is a life long commitment. Believe me men don’t just like to settle, they like to make sure they make the right decision.

REASONS FOR A BREAK

1. The main reason people have breaks from relationships is because of arguing. Arguing occasionally is normal, however when it becomes constant it can be sole destroying and can harm your health and your mind. Its is said by psychology now that if you argue more than 20% of your relationship then you should definitely take a break. During the break you need to use the time to think about your own options and find ways you can avoid arguing in the fture, learn how to communicate without attacking one another again.

2. Taking a long break due to relocation or travelling is also a common reason for putting hold on your relationship. People seem to think distance will make you grow apart, however take it from me this is not always the case, I had a partner who lived 12,000 miles away and we learnt about quality time over quantity of time and it provided much-needed “me” time  to concentrate on my own ambitions and future. So if you partner wants to achieve something from his/her bucket list don’t hold them back instead support them. Of course if your partner really does want to break up then ask them straight if it is you they want to break up from or the relationship itself. You have to be brave and accept their decision if he wants to move on and use this time to invest in yourself. Remember you lose the relationship not your life.

3. People need time for reflection and it helps makes the heart grow fonder with the absence. This time will give you both a new perspective on your relationship and determine how you both really feel about one another. It is very difficult to be able to reflect on your relationships well you are actually in it so using the break time will allow you to figure out if the relationship compliments you long-term. During your time apart you can talk about the difficulties your relationship has been going through and discuss if it is really what you both want.

HOW TO COPE ON A BREAK

It can feel emotionally and physically draining when you encounter a break up, use this time to set yourself ground rules. Set time limits that you allow yourself to think about your significant other so it does not take over your whole day. I used to allow an hour a day for focusing on the relationship and by allowing myself to think about it helped me manage it better.

Make ground rules on whether you can date others during your time apart, this way you can determine what determination you both have about saving the relationship. Seeing other people during a break is not something I recommend unless you are both strong-minded people and see it as a physical connection and not an emotional one. Seeing other people during a break up does not always lead to a full-time break up, sometimes it makes someone realise how much they wish to work at the relationship, however tred carefully if you decide you can see others during this time.

The final key point is to discuss the length of the break up, you need to mark an end date on when to discuss if you are going to continue with the break up or not. During the break up do your best to be social and not to wallow in self-pity, otherwise what is the point in taking a break? Use this time to enjoy time with your friends and invest in yourself for a while.

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I specialise in singles counselling therapy to help individuals during break ups and help them learn about relationships. Many people carry emotional baggage from one relationship to the text spreading the damage along the way. In every relationship we need to leave the past behind and invest in our futures. If you need help please email me.