The promiscuous dater

The Promiscuous dater
Promiscuous? A curious word, isn’t it? Sounds like an old Greek guy who was condemned by the gods to push a rock up a hill for eternity to repent for some sin or other. Oh, sorry, that was Prometheus – or maybe Sissyphus – I can’t recall.

Anyway, my point is that social attitudes on promiscuity haven’t progressed all that far since old Promy’s day.

Literally, “promiscuous” describes a person having or characterized by many transient sexual relationships – someone who demonstrates or implies an indiscriminate or casual approach to sex.

In a dating context, I guess that means a person of any gender who sleeps with different partners frequently. This is commonly known as having a one night-stand or regular flings.

Now, I’ve got to admit this is one article that you might want to take with a grain of salt – after all, I am the ultimate single girl – and as one anonymous whiz so astutely observed – “Single girls taking advice from a single girl is like Ray Charles giving Stevie Wonder driving directions“.

Anyway, so much for the health warning – here we go!

It’s also known as “sleeping around”. Another curious expression, don’t you think -‘cos there’s not a lot of sleeping going on in this context as far as I can tell!

And, my personal view is that it’s a good thing. Hell, I’ve been sleeping around – or a promiscuous dater, if you prefer – on and off for many years.

Why? Well, for me, I just prefer choice and variety; and I am fortunate enough to have had both. So why not enjoy it. After all, as Mae West commented wryly – “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

But seriously, how boring would life be if it wasn’t for choice and variety – in every respect, including sex.?

Just think about the variety of ice creams available. Where there’s variety, there is the opportunity to choose. And, surely, we want to try them all – at least before we decide which one is our favourite. And don’t even go near the question of which toppings you can add – oh, how my mind wonders…

Why should sex be treated any differently from any other aspect of life? Surely you want to try a range of partners, if only to find the one that’s right for you?!

And that’s even before you get to the many different kinds of relationships that are available these days – both within the traditional boundaries of man and woman – gay, lesbian and so on – all of which are far more socially acceptable these days.

So, why is promiscuous dating frowned upon? Especially if all we are doing is trying before we buy!
I’ve heard it said that a promiscuous dater is someone who is afraid of being hurt? And I guess I understand the argument – you know, along the lines that if there is no commitment, then there is no breach of trust or promise etc…. But, frankly, I don’t agree with the proposition. Why can’t it just be accepted that some people don’t want to settle down?

Hell, is the choice really between settling down with the wrong person who makes your life miserable on the one hand, and having no sexual relationship at all on the other? Surely that can’t be right.

I know for a fact that it just is not right. At a young age (18), I settled down with my first partner, and we had a child. It was my first real relationship. I thought he would be the love of my life and we’d be together forever. Then I realised he was not who I wanted to be with, so I left him. My God, the reaction from people was extraordinary – think of your son – you can’t leave and be a single parent with nothing else in life – blah, blah, blah …. I must admit I found the comments very hurtful at the time.

Stupidly, rather than ignore the comments and pursue my own path, I took them to heart and jumped straight into another relationship. And I had a child with him also. After all, what choice did I have back then (20+ years ago)? Society was incredibly harsh and, frankly, unrealistic. No one spoke of one-night stands or just getting your needs met – not in my provincial British town anyway. It’s just what society expected of young girls in those days. And again, of course, the relationship didn’t work out. In fact, it was a disaster. I remember before making the decision to leave him and take on society yet again as a single mum, I went to visit an Aunt who gave me some simple but really sound advice – she simply asked me – “in a year’s time, do you want to feel the same?” Of course, the answer was no. To this, she responded “well only you can change that”.

With this advice ringing in my ears, I returned home and told my partner it was over. He was, of course, shocked. And he hit out in every way he could to make my life hell – which, of course, completely vindicated my decision. The point is, I had every right to be happy.

Moreover, in fact, I really needed to find out who I was without the pressure of another full on relationship. I was so young and had been in two failed relationships. OMG, I hadn’t even experienced my first orgasm by then! How the hell was I supposed to have any idea of who I was and what I wanted from life.

And again, of course, I received the full judgement of society as it was then. I was looked down upon by people who judged me in total disregard of the facts – in complete ignorance of the physical and mental abuse I had been subjected to. I was again condemned as a promiscuous person (to use the politest of the terms used about me!)

So, why is promiscuity so looked down on. After all, as I have explained in an earlier article, it is so much a part of our DNA.
OMG, I can’t believe people still think they should wait until about the 3rd or 4th date before moving things to the bedroom. Can you imagine waiting for 4 dates and THEN finding out your date and you are not compatible in the bedroom. Seriously? What a waste of everyone’s time! My God, you could be still waiting and single at 90 waiting for Mr or Mrs Right! I am a very strong advocate of society accepting our desire for Mr (or Mrs) Right Now!

And, of course, despite what the various hypocritical churches preach to us – and notwithstanding what the even more hypocritical politicians prescribe for us – society isn’t like that at all.

One US university study of international promiscuity in 2008 – it measured one-night stands, attitudes to casual sex, and number of sexual partners – found that Finns have had the largest number of sexual partners in the world, with Britain bringing up the rear (if you’ll pardon the expression!).

Speaking of Britain – in 2014, a nationwide survey named Liverpool the most promiscuous city in the UK. For what it’s worth, I’m sure this has changed now that Bristol is ranked the number one UK city for single people! Yes, you guessed it, I’m a Bristol girl! Thank heavens – now I can go back to the UK and be socially accepted for being me!

Not that I ever gave a damn what people said about me anyway! Haha. Seriously, I’ve never given two hoots about what people thought of my life choices – especially as they were not living my life or paying my bills.

And they sure said things about me! I remember working as a consultant on the Jeremy Kyle show. On one occasion, I was giving advice about the real Adult industry and made clear my views that I was not against it; and I was explaining to a model how it really works. OMG, so many people left such dreadful comments about me on various websites. And all for just taking a stand on what my honest beliefs were.

The comments included very personal attacks. And yes, sure, they hurt. But only until I realised these people who were attacking me so viciously were sitting in their boring little living rooms, in their boring little houses, with nothing better to do in their boring little lives than watch TV and listen to my advice!

Speaking of which, one thing I do find funny – in the sense of strange rather than humorous – is the unequal treatment of women and men when it comes to promiscuity. Seriously, the double standard is breathtaking!

Just think about it for a moment. A promiscuous man is almost affectionately described as a “stud”, “player”, “womanizer”, “rake” etc … God, they are not just seen as socially acceptable. They are almost lionised and seen as heroes for their bedroom antics.

On the other hand, a woman who sleeps around is almost invariably described in very negative terms such as “slut”, “harlot”, “tart”, “whore” etc…

Let’s look at some facts.

Male promiscuity

A study of the number of sexual partners in an average man’s lifetime found 20% of heterosexual men had only one partner; 55% had between two to 20 partners; and 25% had more than 20 partners.
Another study found homosexual men were more likely to have significantly larger numbers of sexual partners.

Female promiscuity

The same study estimated that 45% to 55% of married heterosexual women had engaged in
sexual relationships outside their marriage.

Wow!

And yet so many of the people who criticised me as promiscuous simply for expressing my views on the Adult industry on TV were women. What a bunch of hypocrites!

Hey, I have absolutely no problem with people who prefer having one partner; nor do I have a problem with people who want to have sex only in a committed relationship – that’s fine – good for you. But please – I repeat, please – don’t try to shove your views down my and others’ throats (so to speak) as being some socially accepted norm – because the facts show that is simply not the case!

And, instead of using your limited energy to attack women like me who enjoy a healthy sex life, you may want to use it to engage with your partner – because it appears a lot of them are playing away these days. So and you might want to offer your man a little action and do it damned soon – if only to keep them on the porch (as Hillary Clinton might say!).
They need to do a survey on how much sex is practised after marriage and for how long. Now that would be illuminating!

Seriously, whatever your preference, make sure you choose the right date, and make sure he or she is the real deal before wasting your time hanging around too long without sex. Sex is good for us. Trust me. It has been great for me – and it still is.

Oh, and a final word – as they say – “the best thing about being single is that you can sleep around – God, you can sleep all over the bed – left, right, middle, wherever!” (Anon).

Surviving a blind date

tips-for-a-blind-date

I have been told by many friends that blind dates can be really, really good.

Danielle Esplin described the feeling perfectly when she wrote “There’s an undeniable thrill about meeting a stranger and spending a few hours together, indulging in each other’s lives. It’s that spurt of saying whatever you want and leaving it behind with someone who’ll never look at you and think of it again.”

However, the feelings I most recall from blind dates I’ve had are more along the lines of nerve-wracking, cringe worthy, intimidating … You get my drift! Yes, I’m much more in the camp of Josh Stern who brilliantly quipped that he “always splashes on cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear!”

Alleluia! Never again will I allow my friends to take over my love life!!

Having said that, I have heard of some terrific blind dates. Some people just love them, particularly when they go on a date with someone their friends consider their perfect match.

My very good friend Jay Kamiraz (aka Mr.Fabulous) is a dating advisor on the BBC Asian network. He also appeared on the UK version of Blind Dates. Jay is openly gay and really is fabulous. He says his blind date gave him a fuzzy feeling inside, and was very relaxing and FB_IMG_1458086475316open. Unfortunately, his date was just not right for him. But he added that he would not rule out blind dating in the future.

So, if you’re brave enough to take on a blind date – good on you. Here are some survival tips I’ve picked up from my experiences.

Tips on how to survive a Blind date

First, obviously, you will never have met your blind date – that would kind of defeat the purpose, I guess! So, you might want to do some preparation.

At the risk of coming across like a latter-day Glenn Close – you know, the bunny-boiler from the movie, Fatal Attraction – look on-line and see what you can find out about your date. Any of the usual tools will be fine – google, facebook, twitter feeds etc…. I must confess I do this with every date. Honesty is a really big deal for me in relationships and I want to know from day one that my potential partner is actually who and what he or my friends say he is.

But remember, anything on-line is history. So don’t judge your date harshly. Give him (or her) the benefit of any doubt.

Oh, and at least try to act surprised when they start telling you things you have already discovered through your “due diligence”!

It’s also a good idea to break the ice before you actual date. You’ll have their number in case you are delayed etc.., so why not make a call before hand and say hi; or even send them a flirty text… to spice things up a little. Who knows, you may actually like him or her.

Give some thought to what you are going to talk about. There is nothing worse – I repeat, nothing worse – than going on a date where one of you has to do all the talking whilst the other just sits there like a lemon.

Actually, there is one thing worse – that’s where just one of you dominates the conversation – you know, they just talk, and talk, and talk – on and on and on…

So, share the load and both initiate and contribute to the conversation.

It’s good to get your date talking about themselves. Try asking what interests they may have, or what is the most adventurous thing they have ever done…. that sort of thing. You don’t need to ask for their entire life story. But it is good to probe a few key topics, if only to keep the conversation flowing and avoid awkward silences.

Of course, this also helps you get to know whether they really are compatible with you.

And offer some of your story too. Let them know what you’re interested in, and what are the most exciting things you have done in your life.

stock-footage-bored-sad-young-couple-during-romantic-date-at-homeBut again, just as you don’t need or necessarily want to know his entire life story, he doesn’t need or want to hear your’s either. So keep the stories short – it’s a date, not a lecture, after all!

Oh, and don’t go into too much detail! Trust me, I have toned down my life experience stories on many dates, let alone a blind date!

Never just talk about yourself. Remember, we have 2 ears and one mouth. Use them – even if you’re bored.

Avoid constantly checking your phone. It’s just plain rude. And don’t put it on the table either. It can cause a negative, distracted vibe. In fact, it’s better to keep your phone in your bag or jacket and, if you’re comfortable, kept on silent.

If you do need to check your phone, do so when your date goes to the bathroom. Otherwise, explain why you have to check it – to touch base with the babysitter, for example – even if you are, in fact, texting that friend you’ve lined up to call with your bail-out excuse – another key strategy for surviving any date!

Try to mirror his or her body language. This establishes a connection and promotes a real sense of engagement. It also shows your date that you’re interested in them without having to say straight out that you like them.

It’s funny, I actually only recently became aware of how important for relationships little things like body-posture juxtaposition are. Another little but important thing is simple touching – like just putting a hand on his shoulder when you’re both in a lift, or placing your hand in the small of her back as she steps into a taxi…

Trust me, those sorts of little things go a long, long way in relationships. Seriously, one of my all time favourite partners was really into things like that. He’d always open car doors for me; and he would always – literally always – reach over to touch my hand when we jay-gatsbywere sitting opposite one another at a restaurant table. He’d also make sure we held hands when we walked. It was quite strange for me because I had never been one for demonstrative affection before I met him. Now, I love and just can’t get enough of it!

Similarly, try to use the same tone of voice and pace of conversation as they use. These things show that you are in sync with each other, and that you are genuinely interested in each other.

Oh, and it’s really important to make eye contact. Of course, don’t over do it. Otherwise, it can come across a little creepy; or, worse, mistakenly give them the “come to bed eyes”. Unless, of course, you really connect and want to have sex with them. In that case, eye contact is absolutely essential – both in the lead up to, and of course during, the bedroom action!

Oh, and whatever you do, try to remember their name. Yes I’ve forgotten some on a few dates I’ve been on – and even once or twice in the bedroom – now, that was embarrassing!

 

 

 

 

 

The male orgasmic areas

Hot-Male-Stripper-Videos-Worship-Muscle-Sexy-Body-T01As you know, I’m a huge advocate for gender diversity and equality. So it’s only fair I should follow-up on my recent article on female orgasms with one to tell you how to really help your man get his rocks off.

Men are no different to us girls – just a bit simpler – haha!

Seriously, whilst the penis is obvious, particularly when excited, the fact is men also have many other areas that are receptive to stimulation, and that help them become aroused and reach orgasm.

Here are some great ideas to help you and your partner on the road to heaven!

The ears

Just like us girls, men love being kissed, licked, sucked and nibbled around the ears. Just don’t expect them to admit it – especially the strong silent types. The area around the ear is so sensitive.

The ears are a great starting point to let your man know you are up for it. It gets them aroused so quickly.

I always find nibbling and sucking lightly on the ears, and then running your tongueerogenous-feature1 around the edges and moving slowly down to the neck is a great transition.

It also makes clear to him that you want to be in charge. May men really enjoy being subservient like this – not all the time – so pick your moments and show them who’s the boss from time to time.

Oh, and another great thing about starting with the ears is that you can whisper what you’re about to do to him, & what you want him to do with you. Trust me, that drives men nuts!

The neck

It’s location, and the fact this area has so many light touch receptors make it an easy and effective transition from the ears.

Start just below the ear whilst rubbing the back of his hairline. Add some firm touches and dig your nails in lightly. Then include some gentle kisses and let him really feel your breath whilst whispering to him about how aroused he is making you and what you want to do next. Trust me, he’ll love it!

The mouth

As I mentioned in my article on female orgasms, kissing is so underrated these days – which surprising. I would encourage you to really work on refining this part of your love-making. I have found the dividends are almost endless.

When you move on to the mouth, start with a soft kiss. Then firm up and again make him feel you’re in control by slowly sucking on and softly running your tongue over his top lip at the same time.

Gently run your tongue all around his lips, and add your fingers by softly using the edge of your nail to add some contrast. Slowly withdrawing and sucking your finger will also add some sexual suggestion of the excitement to come.

The nipples

Some men like this – some don’t. Finding out is all part of the fun!

Try gently flicking the end of one nipple with your tongue whilst squeezing the other gently between two fingers. If you get a response, fine. If not, move on.

The ribs and abdomen

This is also a really underrated part of the male (and female) erogenous zones. There are so many nerve endings in this area – which is not surprising when you think of the number of major organs the area houses – especially the heart.

So, take your time sliding your tongue and fingers along the outline of his ribs and onto his abdomen. Again, this will make them aware you are in control. and it heightens the expectation if you make him wait a little before moving to the genital area.f9018555f526ed915f7f746864cf6144

Use soft, gentle kisses under the rib area and down the sides of the abdomen until you reach the top of their pubic area.

By now you will be very, very aware what he wants from you! But again, it pays to make him wait. Try slowly running your tongue backwards and forwards over the top of their pubic bone.

Now is the time to mix it up a bit – and delay and therefore heighten the sensation – by skipping an area. Trust me, it will drive him crazy.

The testicles

Instead of going straight to the penis, try gently cupping his testicles. Trust me, he will find this so arousing. You can expect a range of reactions – from a pause in his breathing to a deep and calming exhalation of air. At this point girls, he is very much well on the way, and it is a good time to slow things down a little so as to extend the experience.

Try slowly using your tongue on his testicles and the surrounding area. You will feel it react to the wet, warm and soft touch of your mouth. Believe me, they will be gagging (no pun intended – haha) for you to take their penis into your mouth. But again, it is worthwhile waiting and stimulating this area first.

You can also try sucking on each testicle one by one in soft gentle movements, using your tongue at the same time. Some men like this done firmly – some like it soft – some even like you to gently bite or squeeze their balls – yet others (I must admit, only a few in my experience!) don’t like this at all. It’s a matter of preference – just like with us girls. But hey, as I’ve always said, half the fun of a relationship is exploring these sorts of things. So, give it a go and se what works and what doesn’t.

The shaft

You may be surprised to learn this is not the most sensitive area of the penis. Rather, the glans (the head) is much more so.

Nevertheless, the shaft can be stimulated in a number of ways, and is often best handled even before you have finished stimulating his testicles.

First, try holding his shaft in your hand and make slow, gentle up and down movements without touching the head of his penis. This is the most common way in which men masturbate – so he will feel right at home!maz-vo-krevet

Then, on one of the up-strokes – I say upwards as a lot of women make the mistake of pulling the shaft down, and this can be very uncomfortable for a man – try using one hand to cup the head. You can also rub it gently between two palms. A little lube can help – some spit works really well, and adds a certain grittiness to the experience that men seem to like. It also avoids having to run to the bathroom to grab a tube!

The perineum

This is a another really sensitive area. It’s the piece of skin between the base of the scrotum (the sack around the testicles) and the anus. Men just love to have it played with.

Try gently running your tongue up and down it. A little bit of pressure helps stimulate their nearby prostate gland.

If you and your partner are comfortable with this, and they are clean, try going from the testicles to the anus with slow licking or even in circular movements to gently tease and stimulate their anus.

The anus

Men are just like us girls in this area, where there are plenty of nerve endings. In the case of men, the entrance to their anus is connected closely to the prostate and even the glans (head) of the penis.

So, its little wonder men love their partner paying particular attention to this area.

If you and your partner are comfortable with anal play, try using your tongue to stimulate him; or try using a lubricated finger or a toy to enter their anus – not too deep now. At about 2 cm inside you should start to feel the prostate. A man can achieve orgasm through his prostate being stimulated. By all means, and in the interests of safe sex, use a condom.

The glans (head)

Now we come to the most sensitive part of all – the head (or glans) of the penis. All the nerve endings meet here. It is the closest part a man has to a clitoris.

AIt’s a good idea to lubricate the penis first. You can use commercial lube. I prefer to use my mouth by gently sucking and using my tongue in circular movements just under the ledge of the head.

If you are sexually confident, then try taking his head and shaft into your mouth and slowly run your lips and mouth down deeper towards the back of your throat. It’s not easy to “deep throat” (as this is called). So don’t think you have to do it.c9d3f9ae63590b8f0d29d39aaab89021

While we’re on this topic, I should emphasise that it’s one thing to want to satisfy your partner; but it’s another thing entirely to do something you are not comfortable with. My advice is that you should NEVER – I repeat NEVER – do anything you are not comfortable with. And if your partner insists, you should move on babe!

Having said that – as we all know, practice makes perfect. So, if you want to have a crack at this, by all means do. But remember to breath through your nose! And if you gently grip the base of his penis with one hand, you can be sure you can control how deep it goes.

Oh, and don’t forget the eye contact. It is just so important. I recall my all time favourite partner telling me this was the single most erotic aspect of our love-making – he just loved it when I would look up and deeply into his eyes whilst sucking his penis – gently wink or take a moment to smile at him to let him know what he meant to me – and then go down for a little more fun.

So, there we have it dear readers, my take on what I find helps a man reach orgasm. Go get him girls!

Of course, I haven’t dealt with the various positions we can use, all of which help of course. But as these apply equally to men and women, I shall deal with them in my “Oh don’t be shy” series. In the meantime, keep enjoying exploring one another.

Lianne xx

 

 

The female orgasmic zones

FB_IMG_1458011156433The best way to the female orgasm by Lianne Young.

Sure, we all love the big “O”. But the reality is that expectation often exceeds delivery. In fact, it’s a little like coffee, & a lot like opera – the experience often falls way short of the promise!

Seriously, the reality is that a lot of women don’t reach orgasm every time they have sex. To the contrary, some never have. I myself didn’t have an orgasm until I was 24 – and even then I hyperventilated and nearly passed out – but that’s a story for another day!

And hey, don’t worry. For women at least, the entire mystery of pleasure lies in the intensity of the pulsation just before the orgasm anyway. So, it’s all in the love-making really, not in the orgasm itself. Not all sex sessions need to end with orgasm. Sometimes, great sex is just that – great sex.

Having said that, popular theory is that the orgasm is the main game – even the only game – in town. So, for those pre-occupied with helping your partner reach orgasm, here are some great tips to ensure you come out on top in the bedroom.

The ears

I just love having my ears kissed, licked, sucked and nibbled. It arouses me so much that I nearly orgasm from that alone!

The ear is such a sensitive area. Try softly nibbling and sucking it lightly, then running your tongue just around the edges until you softly lick down her neck. Piercings make it all the more sensitive.

The neck

There are so many light touch receptors in the neck that it will drive her crazy. It’s so easy to follow on from the ear as you work down from one sensitive area to another.

a72a4f42bd48e867e034a05007156756The area just below the hairline on the back of the neck is just incredible. So, send her crazy with gentle kisses and the slight feel of your breath.

You can also rub it and even add a light nibble as you work your way around to the front of her neck before you find yourself at – yes, her mouth.

The mouth

Soft kisses to start with are the key to emotional bonding.

One of my all time favourite partners and I used to talk about our first kiss. We still do, in landscape-1431358557-screen-shot-2015-05-11-at-113545-amfact. It just meant so much to us. We took it from there and used just kissed for hours. It was wonderful. It was our first connection – and that connection has just stayed with us for some reason.

Honestly, you underestimate the importance of kissing at your peril.

So far as technique is concerned, try slowly sucking on her top lip whilst softly running your tongue over the rest of her lips delicately.

As the arousal builds, let her feel the edge of your teeth against them, and even a slight nibble of the lip is a good idea. Every woman likes a man who knows he can use his mouth – let alone his tongue!

The breasts

Start by slowly kissing or licking around her areola (the area around the nipples).

If you have worked your way down from her mouth, they will already be hard and will not need much teasing. But be sure to spend plenty of effort in this area.

Go from licking the areola to gently licking or biting the nipple. You can also squeeze or rub them as you lick and kiss gently around the rest of her breast.

Oh, and whatever you do, don’t forget to lick and kiss under the breast just on her rib cage – a massive arousal area.

The ribs and stomach

The rib area is so sensitive. Just follow their outline with your tongue and gentle kisses. Trust me, this will drive her wild.

b5f497c84da40ddcb0e2b880a586cec2Then follow it around to the side of the abdomen. Expect her to giggle or even laugh, as it is ticklish – if she does, you’re doing it just right. If not, you’re being too hard.

Oh, and this is a perfect time to look up at her face and establish eye contact – that way you maintain the all important connection and she knows you have her best interests at heart!

The groin

Don’t go straight to the vagina. Instead, try licking slowly down the sides of her pubic bone. This will prepare her vagina for stimulation.

By now, she will probably be soaking wet and encouraging you to enter her, or even pushing your head down to force you to lick her clit!

Hold that thought! You could just gently touch her clit or vagina area with your fingers just as a tease instead.

The vagina

You will have already introduced yourself to her outer labia (visible vagina lips) with your fingers and tongue.

Not all women will orgasm through penetrative sex. So, you need to really get to know the inner and outer areas.

The outer lips are sensitive, and respond best to light touch, stroking and gentle vibration.

The inside prefers pressure and motion, which in turn releases the hormone prolactin that promotes a sense of sexual satisfaction.

Try inserting on or two fingers (by now well lubricated), then slowly enter them while stimulating her clitoris with your tongue.

The clitoris

This amazing area is the most sensitive of her body. It boasts thousands of nerve endings. So, go slowly.

Gently – and I mean gently – tap it to get the blood flowing to the area. Then gently lick down the sides of her vagina.

You can also use your finger in small circular movements over and around her clit.

Whatever you do, don’t think of this process as reading a road map. Instead, just explore with your fingers and tongue, and you will be surprised what you might find!

The perineum

Not all women enjoy anal play.

I must say, however, the area between the vagina and the anus is so amazingly sensitive.

Its called the perineum is one of the most erogenous parts of the body. It’s even possible to reach orgasm from it being stimulated.

If she wants – and if the area is clean – it can be really hot to gently lick around the anus opening. The nerves in this area share a wall with the g-spot. However, never move back and forth between the anus and the vagina as this can carry bacteria that cause infection.

Oh, and don’t forget the feet – with a twist!

We are all so pre-occupied with the traditional erogenous zones, particularly the genital areas. But don’t forget the feet – so often out of sight and out of mind.

7ef99c9ca42b79f62b666169b02fb086I simply adore having my toes sucked – particularly when my partner lifts my leg and gently kiss each toe, slowly sucking between each one.

Oh, and for an added boost, it’s just wonderful if they enter you while sucking your toes – OMG, I’m not sure how much more I can take of thinking about this. Enjoy!!!

 

Women, the male orgasmic areas will follow shortly…

 

 

The stand-in penis

 

Also known as a dildo, they were originally carved from wood. How ironic is that – gives real meaning to the use men make of phrases like “You’re giving me wood” or “I’m getting a woody”. And it makes sense in the porn world when they say they are “getting wood”.
These days, thanks to plastic or latex technology, they are more realistic to touch and feel and, of course, to simulate sex with. Alas, “you’re giving me latex”, and “I’m getting plastic”, just don’t have the same impact somehow!

Dildos date back to the 16th century. Yet so many people won’t use or admit to using them. That’s like saying the English don’t drink tea. And I know plenty who do … drink tea that is.

They can be used in many ways and situations. You may be single and need to satisfy yourself sexually; or your partner may like to see you masturbate with one. Your partner may even like to use one himself to massage his prostate. This is hugely popular, trust me.

Dildos are also very useful in a relationship where the man is unable to sustain an erection and wants to satisfy his partner.

The range of dildos and other sex aids avaialable today is almost as limitless as groceries -from “love eggs” to the “rampant rabbit”, there are so many to choose from. So how do you choose?

I thought it might be helpful to provide my insights. You see, I have experience with nearly all of them. I’ve given talks on them to a wide variety of audiences – even to a room full of 1000 Jewish women for charity.

Even funnier, was when I tried one out on camera! Now, before you get excited, it’s not what you think. I was filming a show called Sexarama for Bravo television. They needed someone to use the then relatively new “love egg” sex toy that works in sync with the bass of any tune being played on your iPod whilst you’re exercising. When they asked whether I would try it, why would I say no … after all, an orgasm is an orgasm … and I’ve never had a bad one!

So there I was, in my gym kit with an iPod attached to some love eggs inside me whilst I went for a run. No-one even noticed. Of course, they would have if they had followed the course of the leads from the iPod to a place that definitely was not my ears!

They vibrated in sync with the chosen tune. But for some bizarre reason, they had chosen a love song with no bass whatsoever. Seriously, where is the bass in a love song! It really didn’t do it for me. If they had chosen Bat out of Hell by Meat Loaf, they may have received a better review – and I might have had some more fun!

Anyway, back to dildos and other sex toys

There are all kinds ranging from ‘pocket rockets’ to ‘double enders’. So how do you choose the one that’s right for you? And how do you use them?

Size isn’t everything – at least in this aspect of the game

My advice is to start small and build up.

How to use them?

First up – no pun intended – make sure it’s lubricated. You can use spit or any number of the commercial lubricants available. Oh come on, don’t be squeamish about spit. If you’re going to have sex with yourself or another, there’s nothing wrong with it.

Don’t use perfumed oils down below in your nether regions, as they can cause irritation and lead to yeast infection.

Whatever lubricant you choose, make sure you use it – don’t just ram it in dry.

And, don’t ram it in hard. You need to slip it in and out lovingly. This works both ways on men and women.

Of course, if you are using a double-ended one – designed for use with 2 viginas or two bottoms or a combination of both – just make sure each of you uses a well synchronised seesaw method.

Which one is best for me?

There are so many to choose from. And the price range is enormous.

Speaking of which, if you can’t afford to buy a good dildo, you can always get a cucumber, carrot or courgette from your local supermarket. The Health Department recommends we get at least 5 of these a day! LoL. But be sure to put a condom on them. Don’t re-use them. Oh, and remember to chuck them out straight afterwards – if for no other reason than to avoid an unpleasant experience for your house-mates!

Now, let’s consider some of the more sophisticated kinds available.

Pocket rocket

My personal favourite. It’s also known as the “clitoris stimulator.” This is definitely one that is good for beginners. I highly recommend it, as around 76% of women experience orgasm through external rather than internal stimulation.

When used by partners, she can use this on her clitoris while you finger her or insert your penis. Trust me, she will be more than happy.

Vibrating cock ring

The vibrating cock ring is exactly what it says on the tin – well package.

It is essentially a latex ring that slips over your partner’s penis, and has an attachment that vibrates against your clitoris when he is inside you.

Of course, you can use it over your fingers too, so you can satisfy yourself alone. I use this method when the batteries in my pocket rocket ran out .

Glass slipper

As the name suggests, this is a glass dildo.

It is really silky when it enters you.

It doesn’t vibrate. So I don’t recommend it if you are after a buzz.

They come in various shapes and sizes. There is even one that makes it possible to see inside the vagina.

You will need lubrication.

For a really sensual and heightened sensitive experience, put it in the freezer for a bit first.

Vibrating dildos

As I have said, there are so many vibrators around today. It’s really a question of knowing what size and action you are after.

They range from $20 right up to $750.

You don’t need to go with an expensive option.

Trust me, I have a $20 one of mid-range penis size and 3 different vibration levels, and it’s absolutely fine for me.

I once tried something called “the bone”. It cost $500, and it did nothing for me. Yes it came in a pretty box but that was not what I was after.

Don’t go for an over-sized or an over-adventurous option either. There is no point. As I said, only around 24% of women experience orgasm from internal sexual activity.

The rampant rabbit

This is probably the most famous dildo of them all.

However, I must say, quite frankly, that I’m not at all convinced by the circulating love beads mid-way up the shaft. So far as I feel, there is way to much going on.

And the rabbit ears do nothing for my clit.28B6DCDC00000578-3083362-image-m-80_1431698320633

So, why the rabbit is marketed as the best or the first one to choose from is beyond me – or beyond my nether regions anyway.

In summary, I recommend you should experiment with different ones and find the one that’s best for you.

Hygiene rules

As you know, I always promote safe sex. And it makes no difference whether we’re talking sex with a partner or with toys. Always use condoms with dildos, or purchase and use the recommended cleansing liquid that is available for them at good sex shops.

Unless they are cleaned properly, you risk health issues such as thrush and urinary tract infections. You can also risk e-coli bacterial infections in going from the anus to the vagina.

Refrain from sharing sex toys, except maybe with your partner of course.

Oh yes…. and dont forget the batteries.

 

Early menopause and sex

Why do they call it ‘menopause’ babe?“, my (now very much former partner) asked me one day.

I don’t know“, I replied.

Because ‘mad cow disease’ was already taken!“, he guffawed.

 Bastard!

But to be fair, he had a point. The effects of menopause, are many and varied! And they impact both you and your partner.

Trust me, I know. I went through menopause very early – at the age of 37.

Fortunately, I noticed the signs and I didn’t have to suffer the full intensity of all the effects for too long.

Nevertheless, I did experience many of them. And, when I think back, I have some sympathy for my then partner’s analogy of menopause with Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (aka mad cow disease).

 

My friends and family will attest I have been known to lose my temper a few (ok, many) times. But throwing the front counter of my local phone shop at a sales person was a first in terms of temper tantrums, even for me! As was my decision to pull a metal-frame bed through a wall rather than take apart and re-assemble it in the next room!!

And let’s not go near the emotional roller-coaster I was on, including the uncontrollable episodes of crying over Disney movies.

Sorry darling!

In fact, fortunately, I didn’t have a full-time partner when I went through menopause. So some poor sod was saved from the horrors associated with my hormone changes – yes, it was like a scene from the Omen movie.

The many “joys” of menopause

As I said, I went through premature menopause – technically, that’s when the final menstrual period occurs before a woman is aged 40.

This is associated with a number of factors, including physical (such as surgery) or emotional trauma, and smoking. And family history increases your chances of experiencing it my about 12%.

Of course, whatever age you go through menopause (the average is around 50), you will probably experience the same symptoms as I did – temper tantrums and crying. But there are a host of others you might get to “enjoy” also – irregular or absent periods, irritability, anxiety, bloating , breast soreness and, the all time fave, “hot flushes”.

I guess my circumstances were a little more complicated than most. I had been sterilised at 33 because I knew I did not want any more children. I had also undergone surgery for a number of health conditions around that time. And my immune system had crashed. All this resulted in my weight dropping to 47kg, and my periods stopped.

I am fully recovered. However, my periods never returned. The doctors had warned me after being so unwell that it could take up to a year before they did. Well, they didn’t – not that I’m complaining!

A year later, I was back fit as a fiddle and able to exercise and live my life to the full in every way, including sex thank heavens.

I knew something was wrong when I put on 7kg in a month.

And then I really knew something was wrong when my sex drive evaporated – and I mean literally – completely – zilch! I had also gone dry down below, which made it painful to even masturbate – a first for me.

So, not only was I acting completely bonkers, but my sex drive had disappeared. So I knew something was very wrong and I took action. I saw my doctor as soon as possible. She did some tests that revealed I had an under-active thyroid, and that I was in menopause. A scan also detected a benign growth in my uterus. I had the growth removed within 3 days and a coil fitted to keep the lining thin – I understand this reduces the risk of further growths developing.

But back to menopause and sex. Trust me when I say when Estrogen levels are reduced, it affects you sexually.

Sex drive and Hormone Replacement Therapy

As I mentioned, my libido practically disappeared. I know my sex drive very well indeed. I know it is higher than most, which is great. But when your libido goes from high to non-existent, you need to see your doctor as there is something going on. And I did.

The good news is that you don’t need to suffer. My doctor took fortnightly blood tests and put me on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).

Unlike the UK, HRT is commonly accepted practice in Australia. Fortunately, HRT has recently been re-introduced in the UK. I wear Estrogen patches, and I take Progestogen pills. And I can assure you, it’s fantastic! I have re-discovered the sex drive I had in my early 20s!!

A few words of warning. First, HRT is not a contraceptive. And, second, you need to be patient – it will take some time, and trial and error, to get the doses right for you. But trust me when I say it is the fountain of youth.

Relationships

Thank god I was not in a relationship when I went through menopause.

Women who experience menopause may experience issues that affect their relationship. One is the fact it seems to make communication difficult. And let’s face it, it’s hard to explain this stuff to men at the best of times!

Frankly, you need to prepare your partner for the reality that you are most likely going to put them through hell from the other side of the room. And you need to prepare yourself for the fact that they will just look at your strangely as if they don’t understand what the f*** is going on. And you know what, for the most part, they won’t – and that’s where they need your help – to help them help you.

Try to maintain a dialogue. Discuss what you are going through. Re-assure them it is not about them – if you can – since when do men think anything is about anything but them!

Seriously, partner attitudes to menopause are important to support you, and to sustain your relationship through this difficult phase of your lives. Having an informed, supportive partner can help enormously.

Suggest to your partner they should do their own research so they don’t take anything personally.

When you cry – trust me, you will – a lot – tell them you just need a hug, not the psychiatrist they have suggested!

It is very important to be able to discuss what you are experiencing openly and without argument or abuse. Having said that, you need to understand, and make clear to your partner, there will be times when things become heated and emotional. Again, re-assure each other it is not about the other person.

If you suffer emotionally – and trust me you will – talk to your doctor. Life’s for living. You do not need to suffer unnecessarily.

HRT certainly helped me in this and other ways.

If you don’t want to go on HRT, there are alternatives. A psychologist who specialises in couples counselling can be useful. You may only need one or two sessions. They should be able to help support you both in your communication, and in understanding the issues you are both going through and how to manage them as best you can.

If you are experiencing sexual problems within your relationship – and, again, you almost certainly will during this phase – it may be helpful to consider the extent to which they are due to the physical symptoms of menopause on the one hand, and other issues. You will probably find they are a combination of both. On these occasions, try to maintain a positive and constructive attitude – after all, obstacles are just opportunities in disguise! And don’t hesitate to seek the help you might need – whether it is medical, psychological, counselling etc… Knowledge is power in all things.

Early menopause is no reason to abstain from sex. In fact, if you work at it constructively, you can get it sorted relatively quickly. In particular, choose a doctor you trust and with the right experience with these issues – someone you can talk to well. They will help you re-balance your hormones and get your sex life back on track. And you’ll be at it like rabbits in no time. Good luck ….. to you AND to your partner.

Oh, and remember – they’re not “hot flushes” – they’re POWER SURGES”!

 

Aphrodisiacs

Sometimes, even within the best relationships, one or other, or both, of you needs some help with raising sexual desire.

I’m not talking here about issues such as erectile dysfunction and so on, for which there are a number of drugs, including sildenafil. Viagra is the most well-known brand but there are other, new generation versions worthwhile considering and discussing with our doctor.

Today, I want to talk about forms of food and drink that are believed – rightly or wrongly – to assist in enhancing the libido.

The number of so-called aphrodisiacs is virtually endless – oysters, asparagus, bananas, ginseng, ginger, red wine, and so the list goes on.

Incidentally, it is often said the best aphrodisiac is power. And I agree. But it’s the power of knowledge that I have in mind – the knowledge to know what is best to keep the libido in tip-top shape. I admit that I have been, and can assure you I shall never again let myself become, involved in a relationship where there is a power imbalance. Power in that sense is certainly not an aphrodisiac for me. So, stay strong and equal, and enjoy the ride!

Meanwhile, back to aphrodisiacs you can eat or drink – what to take and how to take it to boost your sexual desire.

In my experience, yes, some foods and drinks can trigger highs and lows. And, yes, some raise the libido levels, enhancing the sex hormones testosterone and progesterone … in rats I might add … but I’m sure it’s the same for humans. Here are a few of my faves.

Chocolate

The good news is that most of us can’t resist chocolate. So, what a bonus that it also contains a neurotransmitter that stimulates the pleasure zone in our brains, phenylethylamine (PHE).

The bad news is that an average person would have to consume 11kg of the stuff to significantly stimulate their libido.

So, perhaps the best way to use chocolate in the context of sex is to surprise your partner with this treat. After all, whether or not chocolate is an aphrodisiac, it’s the thought that counts. A sweet surprise gift is almost certain to make your partner feel special and lead to more bedroom action. And what better way to burn off the calories!

Ginseng

Experiments with rats indicate ginseng improves the libido in both males and females. And some small studies have shown it may be helpful for erectile dysfunction.

So, whoever is in charge of the kitchen should start spicing up the cooking to boost performance in the bedroom – remember we both benefit.

Oysters

Commonly claimed as the ultimate natural libido booster, oysters contain zinc which helps raise testosterone levels. But you’d need to eat around 50 to have an impact on your sexual desire – making it a very expensive option.

So why not try natural supplements as an alternative. They are available from good health stores, and are a more cost-effective way of keeping up your zinc levels.

Having said that, oysters are delicious and a perfect accompaniment to champagne. So, why not give both the expensive and cheaper options a try?

Truffles

Truffles have an aroma similar to aldosterone – a male pheromone that boosts female arousal levels. We ladies are simple creatures. Treat us to truffles and our libidos will be sky-high –
especially if they are served with the perfect match of an excellent French sauterne. This is almost a guarantee of sex. See, we’re not that hard to please.

Ginger

I highly recommend this one. The aroma stimulates the arousal centre in the brain. Ginger is also available in the form of bath salts. I have tried this and it makes the blood rush to the labial and clitoral areas, making you so horny that you will want to rush to the bedroom! It also works for men by stimulating blood flow in the testicular area.

Just imagine – lights turned down low, a warm ginger infused bath, candles glowing, red wine, and chocolate – you’re on to a winner here.

Chilli

This amazing spice is like a chameleon. It mimics the effects of sexual arousal by increasing the heart rate, raising your body temperature and making you sweat.

Perhaps most importantly, it’s a very healthy ingredient and will give you more energy for the bedroom.

Cinnamon

Like chilli, cinnamon raises the body temperature and, in turn, raises your sexual desire.

It’s also an amazing anti-inflammitory – fortunately not to the areas that matter most!

Try sprinkling it over your morning porridge or stir it into your coffee, and start your day with a bang!

Asparagus

You have to give credit to this healthy little vegetable. Let’s face it, it already looks like a penis. So it is no surprise that it helps increase circulation in the genital area leading to an increase in sexual desire.

Red Wine

And finally, back to my former all time favourite – I’ve given up the booze, of course.

I most certainly agree that red wine helps in the sex stakes. Mind you, in my partying days, almost any alcohol would likely have led to sex. And, frankly, the more I imbibed, the more sex I wanted to have!

Red wine increases blood flow, relaxes you and lowers inhibitions. Obviously, you don’t want to overdo it and get smashed – after all you want to perform at your best and remember how good the sex was! But with a little moderation, it’s almost a sure-fire thing.

Having said that, a word of warning – the combination of alcohol and sex led to a number of awkward situations that I regret. Some even had the potential to result in dangerous outcomes. And, of course, alcohol is a depressant and can lead to lows as well as highs. So, at the risk of making this a “sermon on the mount” (haha), it’s important to adopt a safe approach to both alcohol and sex – in particular, only drink with someone you trust and, if you meet and move on with a stranger, make sure you let your friend know where you are going; and don’t drive etc…. Oh and, of course, always prepare for and practice safe sex.

And why go once when you can go twice?

If you find any of these work for you as an aphrodisiac and you put in a great performance, ask your partner to make you a coffee and add a pinch of cinnamon – you never know, you might get round two sooner than you think!